Queasy

Not a great day. Food wise, yes, it's been good -- I was mindful and resisted temptation and ate healthy things.

But my mood has just been lousy. I'm worried about this mammogram I have to get tomorrow, even though the rational part of me says it'll will be fine. My OB/GYN ordered it (I'm 35 and not to the point where I get regular ones) because there were a few spots he was unsure of. I've been through this before -- a few years ago I had to get a lump checked and checked again six months later because it was questionable, but that one wound up not being a concern. I don't have a family history of breast cancer, but what I do have is a mother and aunts with cystic breasts (I think they're called fibrocystic) that are all benign. I too have inherited these "lumpy bumps" as I call them, but I still worry that I will be the one who has something bad happen.

To add to this, I cut my finger on Wednesday and it still hasn't healed shut. It's on the back of my wedding ring finger, on the fattiest part of the finger, and it's a pretty deep cut. I've had it bandaged with antibiotic ointment every day, and I don't know if keeping it moist and the constant movement of my fingers is preventing it from sealing. How did I get this? I reached in to my closet to grab something from the back and scraped my hand against these metal shelves along the side of the closet. Whoever installed this thing left horribly sharp edges on the metal posts, and it sliced me but good. (By the way, I have since covered every sharp edge I could find with duct tape. A little too late, but at least it won't happen again.)

So I went to Hubby and asked him if he thought it was too late to get stitches for this thing. He said if it was still bleeding (it was when I went to him because I had the adhesive band off for a while and clenched my finger really tight and pulled the cut it apart), I should go to the doctor and they would either do stitches or some kind of medical glue.

"You do know they're going to want to check your sugar," he added.

"What?"

"A cut shouldn't take that long to heal; they're going to think diabetes."

Well, that did it. I finally surpassed my stress threshold and pretty much melted down right then and there. As my luck would have it, at that moment my in-laws pulled up to take us out to lunch and shopping (I swear my in-laws' coat-of-arms should include a knife and fork and a shopping bag on it), so I had to suck up my mental collapse and suppress it all afternoon. I know I wasn't the least bit fun -- it took all the energy I could muster to crack a half-hearted grin -- but I followed along and did the best I could not to cry.

I don't really think I have diabetes. About 12 years ago I got tested because I was having a lot of yeast infections but it turned out negative. (A very short time after that I wound up with a severe case of mono, so I'm pretty sure my immune system must have been at an all-time low). I have no family history whatsoever of diabetes, but again, like the breast situation, I have this fear that I will be the one to buck the trend.

I just hate the whole scenario of going to the doctor, doctor sending me off to the hospital to test for any number of horrible things, and me worrying myself to a frazzle until the test results come in. So far I've been lucky and everything has been okay -- I've dealt with the diabetes testing, the breast lump testing, and two different EKGs to test for heart murmurs. But each time it terrifies me.

So to have two possible scenarios at once, on top of the week I've just had? Goodbye sanity. Or at the very least, hello to anxiety and mild depression. I am officially on Overload right now, and it's really hard to get myself out of the funk I've fallen into.

At least I got my food under control. It's the one bright shiny thing I'm hanging onto right now, and I'm determined to not let go of it.

Also, I wound up feeling really queasy all afternoon, but I'm not sure what to pin it on -- anxiety, motion sickness from sitting in the back of the in-laws' SUV, the onions on my black bean burger, or my first day on the new pills. Whatever its cause, it's a little better now, but I'm going to keep a record of any odd symptoms for the next few weeks as I start this new medicine.

Wow, I feel bad writing all this gloom and doom on the blog this week. Here I am again, worrying about bringing everyone else down! This is my space to vent and wring out all my worst feelings, and most days I feel a lot better once I've spewed it out and left it here. So please don't worry about me too much. I'll calm down and soon I'll be looking back at this post and telling myself, "Quit worrying yourself to death over everything!"