Friday, June 25, 2004

Post Vacation Report

While I got down to 252 on my birthday, you do not want to know what the scale says today! However, most of that is water retention and should quickly dissipate.

But this was my vacation week, with lots of oh so tempting foods around me. I actually did really well the first part of the week and really only crumbled after Miller's Smorgasbord in Lancaster, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. I'll just pick myself up, dust myself off and get back into my routine.

My only headache this weekend is not one but two family reunions with big covered dish meals, in addition to our neighbor girl's birthday party. While I could easily say "oh, just pig out until Monday," I realize more and more how badly I feel when I do that. I am just going to limit myself to small portions, work hard to not over stuff myself, and just be in the moment instead of worrying about calories and goals.

Friday, June 18, 2004

New Weight, New Job

I actually hit 255 a few days ago, but I just wasn't in the mood to write. But now I've got even bigger news - tonight I accepted the job as church secretary, only a few hours after the interview. Two council members interviewed me, and I've known them forever, so I sort of had a feeling that it was going to go my way.

While I know it's going to be overwhelming at first and there will be plenty of new stress coming my way, I need to take this as an opportunity to work on my coping strategies -- mainly, NOT eating! I will need to do some serious work Fly Lady wise, rebuilding routines, not only for my house but for the B&B, too. I just hope I can manage it all! I am a little worried about it, but something tells me I'll figure out a way.

I need to rework my exercise routine, too. That means getting up at 6(!), doing the treadmill and bike before my shower (at home, of course) then just doing the weights and toning at the gym. I have a feeling that'll be tough at first, but like everything else, we'll manage it somehow.

I guess the hardest part will be juggling Mabel for the rest of the summer. In the fall it'll be no problem-- I'll take her to the bus, stop at the gym, then to work. But for right now, it'll mean either Mom dealing with her, bringing her to work with me, or squeezing another 30 minutes into our morning by driving her to day care. I just hope Mabel doesn't feel too pushed aside by my getting this job. But the fact is, I'm quickly running out of money, and this was the best option I could think of besides begging my parents for more handouts.

Good thing I'm going to Morgantown tomorrow, then Lancaster with L next week -- I can stock up on some new work clothes, since I can't wear gym clothes to the office. Because I am very quickly running out of clothes that fit me any more!

Saturday, June 12, 2004

I Went Down to the Crossroads

I feel almost ashamed to put another day on my total. I did so badly today, with no other excuse than to say I want to stuff myself, so I did. Again, Thursday and Friday I did fine, although I didn't get to the gym Friday because a) I had to cook breakfast at the B&B and b) Mabel was sick the night before and I got no sleep, so I was also very tired.

I can't keep doing this "two days good/one day bad" routine. I can feel it derailing my momentum, not only on the weight loss aspect but mentally, too. I guess I've finally reached my first real crossroads in this journey -- 115 days and 53 pounds later! It would devastate me to give up now that the going's getting a little tougher, not after all that I've accomplished. Analyzing the situation, I know that there are two major things contributing to it -- the plethora of events/temptations bombarding me these past few weeks, and an increase in stress in my life. The picnics, parties and other food related gatherings are so hard to turn away from. Business has picked up at the B&B, and I'm semi-flitootzed (Pa. Dutch slang there) about lingering problems from my last job and waiting to hear about the new one.

I am very concerned that stress, even the small amounts I've encountered recently, have been making my determination to stick to this plan falter so. It's apparent that I still haven't been able to master my stress, and clearly food is still the main drug of choice to medicate myself for it.

Here's what I think I need to do, starting tomorrow: 1. Get back to my routine as soon as possible. 2. Make a real effort to start incorporating yoga back into my day. 3. Crack open my meditation book and work self-reflection time into my day. 4. Crack open the books that helped to inspire me early on in this journey.

It's time to get serious about this and not fall back into my dysfunctional ways. I am bound and determined not to fail. Irregardless of the weight loss, I have to stop letting stress get the best of me and quit letting food be the answer.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Concentrate on the Positive

I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling like I'm slipping on my plan, having yet another "bad" day yesterday. Chinese with SA and a hot dog and buttery potatoes and onions for supper at SM's. I really felt like I had failed -- even though I did fine Monday and Tuesday, have gone to the gym all this week, and have gotten right back on track today.

How do I stop beating myself up over the occasional day of not eating at my ideal? How do I let myself be an imperfect human being and not sabotage myself in the long run with this negativity? It's totally unrealistic to expect myself to lose 3 to 5 pounds every single week. I've got 20 more days to love seven more pounds -- it doesn't happen in 10 days! I just have to concentrate on being the best person I can be for that day -- forget about any failures in the past and not fret about what's ahead.

I need to focus more on all the compliments I'm getting from so many people -- concentrate on the positive!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Adding Up to Less

257! I weighed myself on Friday just to make sure I was back down to 260, and I was shocked to see another three pounds gone! Part of me can't figure out how it's happening. In the past I could never budge my weight, and now it feels almost effortless. Of course, I know that's not true -- despite my occasional dalliances with unhealthy food, overall I've greatly changed my eating habits. It's just that I've gotten so used to it that it is in fact habit.

The exercise, too. If I don't do at least four days (1.5 hours each) at the gym a week I don't feel complete. And that's not counting all the walking, mowing, cleaning, etc., that I also do every week. It's all adding up -- to less!

I even fell of the wagon yesterday -- B&B leftovers, birthday party and Block Party all conspiring against me -- but I'm shrugging it off. I recorded everything I ate in my food journal, worked hard yesterday cooking, cleaning and straightening up the B&B garage, and today I "busted hump" cleaning my garage at home. It seems like I'm always on the move. I even walked to and from the BB during Sunday school to bring down leftover cookies and pretzels for the kids.

It's rare that I don't have at least one person make a comment about my weight loss every day that I'm out in public. You can't really ignore 53 pounds, can you? It really struck home with me yesterday when I got a glance at a Christmas picture of me with Mabel, and my face was so much fuller. But it's a lot of things: realizing I have "sitting bones" and other re-emerging bones all over my body; feeling colder because I have less insulation covering my body; even being able to stand better because there's less fat on my thighs pushing my legs apart. And I'm sure all the exercise and better eating is helping with all my numbers: cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. I'll be curious to see what they are this fall during my annual exam.

Actually, I've had this reoccurring thought/daydream of walking into my doctors' (general and ob-gyn) offices and for once not walking to the scale like it's the gallows. If I go by my 10-pound a month goal, I should be around 220 to 210 pounds -- possibly 100 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this year! I can't even quite grasp the enormity of that, or if it's even possible for me to do. It does help that I keep my mind focused on the 10 pounds. It's a much easier goal to comprehend and doesn't seem so difficult. But I do sit there (usually on the stationary bike as a motivation), thinking how I'll relish it when I go in there and won't have to withstand another round of "the talk" -- how I should lose weight.

Sometimes I feel like a sell-out to the fat acceptance movement, and when I read the Gab Cafe on I feel like I'm betraying those who've given me so much encouragement in the past. But I know I will never be skinny. I will never be what society deems ideal. I'm taking my body and mind on a journey to discover at what point it feels healthy and at peace, and then we'll start a new phase.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Too Good to Be True

I didn't mention that I've now reached the triple digits in days (105) -- and I'm amazed that I've lost 50 pounds in 100 days. LH made such a fuss over it and kept saying she's worried I'm becoming anorexic or bulimic. And while I am surprised at how much I've lost, I know that I'm not starving myself. I know I'm eating healthy foods, and while I'm exercising a lot, it's not excessive or causing me any pain. I do admit the exercise is addictive, but I take the weekends off and know I need to give my body time to rest and recover. While I give myself free days, I find myself not counting the days toward them anymore, and I am slowly finding them less satisfying.

I bought a tape measure today, and while I don't remember exactly what my "before" numbers were, I've lost at least 5 inches off my hips, and my bra size has gone from 44DD to 42D, in addition to the couple inch loss around my waist.

Anyway, enough about weight loss! Last week I found out our church secretary resigned. Well, the past few weeks I have been thinking about finding a part time job, but wished I could find one close to home with hours that would fit around both the B&B and Mabel's school. It seems almost unbelievable, too good to be true to have something so perfect practically fall into my lap. But I sent in my resume last week, and now I'm just waiting to hear from the church council. I have no idea how many people will apply, but hopefully I've got a good chance at it. It's almost too much of a coincidence not to happen.

The other unexpected event was my run-in with D during the after-party high jinks after my class reunion. I was just starting to get bummed out as P, one of the few eligible bachelors left in my class, made it very obvious that he was interested in my best friend L. Then D made a beeline for me and proceeded to hit on me the rest of the night. Maybe I was just an easy target for a horny drunk guy, but at least nothing serious happened and I managed to let some of my guard down for a while. More on that later.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Fifity Pounds Gone

I did it! I made it to 260 before the end of May! I almost couldn't believe it when I saw it on the scale Wednesday morning -- I've recently learned the term is "whooshing" when your weight suddenly drops several pounds overnight (or seemingly does).

However, I feel like I damaged the success with my eating this past weekend -- Memorial Day weekend -- and I don't plan on looking at the scale until next Wednesday before my appointment with Dr. K. I ate so much junk food Sunday and Monday, in addition to the drinking I did Saturday night during my class reunion. Monday was the worst, because I was in total "eat it to get it out of the house" mode. I was so glad to get back to reality today, and I did just fine until I got to the Block Party and got a funnel cake. The good news is, it made me half ill and I threw the last part of it away -- that in itself is an accomplishment!

So, I'm guessing I stalled my efforts at weight loss for a while, but since my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the month, I have plenty of time to recover. Even though in past months I've lost more, I'm sticking to the 10 pound guideline as a reasonable expectation. I shouldn't have another complete "free day" until my birthday later this month, so that should give me an adequate time to get back on track.

Really, it was a relief to get back to my routine today. I even did Slim Fast drinks and a meal replacement bar for breakfast, lunch and snack and felt perfectly content with it, probably because my system was still so over -saturated from the weekend. Food just isn't the solace it used to be.

By the way, S.S. finally did say something to me about the weight loss -- on instant messaging after he went home! So funny, but typical. I also had some comments during the class reunion, too, which was a nice ego boost.

I'm getting tired. I'm going go for now and continue tomorrow.