Hitting the Wall

My friend e-mailed me today to let me know how he's doing in his effort to quit smoking. He's trying to quit using a medication called Chantix. When I read the following paragraph I have to admit a surge of jealousy welled up in me (I hope he doesn't mind that I'm quoting him!):

"The Chantix works so well that even if I did have a cigarette now, within seconds I'd feel awful and wonder why I ever did it. What the drug does--and this is the freaky part--in "lame man's terms" ;)--is that it makes me forget why I liked smoking. There's a more scientific explanation on the website, but that's how it feels to me. "

God I wish I had a magic pill that would do this for me when it comes to compulsive eating. If I had a pill that made me forget why I liked eating in a disordered way, it seems like it would solve so much grief for me.

Of course, there's always a price to pay, even with my friend:

"The downside is I don't really sleep well--only a few hours at a clip. Hence, I've been cleaning, reading, blogging, walking...anything to occupy the time that I devoted for so many years to the act of smoking. That's the hardest part--especially after I eat, when I wonder 'What do I do now?'"

I've been there and know how hard that can be. You spend so much time concentrating on your addiction -- be it an eating disorder, smoking, alcohol, gambling, etc. -- that when you try to give it up it leaves a gaping hole in your life.

Right now I can't even seem to get close to quitting my disordered eating. I feel so lost, so adrift in the void, so caught up in the habit and compulsion of it, I can't even see a way out of it. Maybe it's the medicine, maybe it's PMS (time of the month will begin any minute now), or maybe it's some elemental weakness in myself I can't overcome.

Whatever it is, I'm feeling so low about myself right now that I'm mentally grasping for straws. I think about weight loss surgery, I think about going away to some intense program for eating disorders. Of course, in reality, I don't know how I'd leave my responsibilities (work, husband, child, house, etc.) to go away like that. And I'm always scared of WLS, even if it's the less invasive methods like LAP band.

I think maybe I'm hitting the wall. I feel like Wile E. Coyote here -- my head is spinning -- and I don't know what to do anymore. Dieting doesn't work; I think Intuitive Eating would work if I could get my head on straight. But how do I do that? I feel so helpless right now.

Of course, maybe feeling like I've hit bottom is actually a good thing, because it means I won't get any lower and I've got nowhere else to go but up. Feeling this desperation and hopelessness might actually be a sign that I'm beginning to feel emotions again, which is what I wanted, right? I don't know why it has to be so hard... God I sound like such a child right now. Life is hard! We all get handed our lot of challenges, and it's our job to work through them. I guess I just feel like I'm not able to handle mine right now, and I just wish I had a better arsenal of tools to cope.

To illustrate this point, I'm not at my yoga class right now. This is a bad thing, because I know how good it makes me feel. But I talked myself out of it with a list of excuses: feeling miserable from PMS and what is either the beginning of a cold or fall allergies. This triggers feelings of guilt and I proceed to feel even worse about myself.

What a whining, miserable post. I sure hope my attitude improves in the next few days.

Feelings and Changes

Went to church today and KB was there looking amazingly trim, and I heard a few days before at the gym that it's due to WLS -- not sure what kind. It's weird: I always feel this sense of loss when I hear someone else has had the surgery -- another person trying the "quick fix" solution. It's a combination of sadness and anger, however. Could it be I feel it's yet another condemnation of fat people -- me -- and that once again I'm being told that I'm not good enough, etc.?

But, what happens if one day I'm no longer a fat person? Hard as that is to believe, if I can make this a permanent lifestyle, it could very well happen. Will I be offended when people come up to me after church to tell me how wonderful I look? "What, I looked like shit before?" Is that what will be stuck in my head? "Oh, my body finally meets your approval?"

Will I be angry and resentful about all the years I've been invisible and sub-par to the general consensus? That's something I definitely need to address in therapy, especially on the miraculous chance that it actually happens. I still teeter on the It's Gonna Happen/It's Impossible seesaw, and I don't think that will change until I've lost considerably more weight.

Last night we had a prime rib dinner for Mom's birthday, and I thought I did really well. I only had half a piece of bread with some pesto and bruschetta topping, saved part of my meat for tonight's dinner, took it easy on the potatoes and ate more of the roasted veggies, and topped it off with a small Caesar salad. As for drinks I had two small ones (1/2 glass each) and had seltzer the rest of the evening. Probably the only thing I ate a little too much of were green olives, and I know I had less than 10, so it wasn't by much. I was able to eat with everyone else, not make a fuss, end the evening not stuffing myself and can enjoy some leftovers tonight.

Mabel told me a few days ago that my "boobies are shrinking," which I guess means even she can notice a change. It's exciting for me to see these changes, but of course, I wish it was faster (don't we all?).

Sakes Alive, I lost 25!

I was about shocked senseless when I weighed myself today -- I am now down 25 pounds! I guess my plan is really working. By allowing myself one treat a day at the festival and sticking with my regular meals, snacks and exercise, I'm still able to lose weight! I thought I would just keep steady throughout the week, but I guess I'm still burning more than I'm consuming.

However, this weekend it's going to be near impossible with SS, B and his folks coming and adding more meals and snacks (with a party Saturday night) to the mix. All I can do is eat sensibly -- try to eat regular portions, try to make some healthy choices, and not gorge myself.

I'm a little curious to see if they notice a change in my appearance, and if they mention it to me. On the grand scale of my body (hee hee) 25 pounds isn't a whole lot, but it is starting to melt away some of the excess. I know I can literally feel the changes on my body: more definition, actual bones (!!!) and muscles emerging out of the fat.

I got my TV Guide yesterday and celebrity Star Jones was on the cover about her current weight loss. However, the article was a total cop-out. It didn't mention how much she lost, what she weighs now or how she even did it. There was a sidebar of "experts" discussing whether she could have that much weight loss (how much?!?) in six or seven months without bariatric surgery, because she won't say. It's like, honey, if you're gonna do an article, at least say something! If you didn't do it with surgery, be open about how you did it, and if you did have WLS, be honest about the pros and cons. And the thing is, she's nowhere near thin now, and she's going on and on about how wonderful she feels, and how her life is so fantastic now.

I just get so tired of these celebrities going through these surgeries and making it look like it's a miracle cure and it's going to give you a fairy tale life. It just doesn't work that way, and I almost wish one of these stars would have terrible side effects so the public would finally get an honest look at what WLS can do to people.

Maple Fest -- Day One

Well, I survived the first day of the festival. While I did eat differently than I would have in my normal routine, that was just the point -- I was out of my normal routine and still managed to eat pretty healthy and not compulsively.

I did eat a couple crackers (and a pretzel) sampling some dips at one of the stands, but that's far from overeating. I bought one goodie -- a burnt sugar gob [for those of you wondering what the heck that is, they're also called whoopie pies: two round pieces of cake with icing in the middle; the burnt sugar thing deals with caramelizing the sugar in the batter and the icing] and saved it until I got home. Probably the biggest divergence from my plan was eating the remainder of Mabel's nachos with cheese -- there were only about 10 chips left, I'm guessing. So I ate those and the gob when I got home and decided that was my supper and dessert, and it was enough.

For the first time ever, I wasn't driven to go out and buy every deep fried, breaded, fat-laden thing I could find. While things looked tasty, nothing was so tempting as to be calling my name and beckoning me to gulp it all down. It was really quite strange and truly liberating for me. Could I really be breaking free from the addiction of food? Granted, I sort of "treated" myself when I packed a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, but that pales in comparison to what a day at the festival was last year. What I ate in one day last year is what I plan on spreading throughout the whole week this year, rather than all of it on a daily basis!

I watched a show on Discovery Health about Ann Wilson from Heart, who had the lap band surgery, and the whole thing gave me a bad vibe. Am I kidding myself that I can change my life on my own, when you see these people who could only do it when forced to by surgery? They showed her and her lifestyle now -- exercising five days a week, eating healthy foods -- which is what I'm doing now -- and I think, "couldn't this rich and famous rock star figure this out before subjecting herself to the knife?"

Maybe addiction's like that: for some people you have to force the issue -- whether it be the Betty Ford Center or bariatric surgery -- to finally break free of it. I guess my question is, am I strong enough to do this without such drastic measures? Will I be able to make permanent changes in how I think about and eat food that will enable me to get to a "reasonable" weight and maintain it?

I'm very anxious and impatient to see the scale move down again, but somehow I doubt I'll lose much (if any) during the festival, since I'm allowing myself my daily "goodie" (rather than calling it "bad" food). But for heaven's sake, I've lost so much so fast already, and isn't it better to get me through this immense trigger week by teaching myself to think and eat sanely -- eating small portions of trigger foods without prompting an enormous overeating session? If I can make that happen, that's real progress -- not on the scale, but for my emotional well being. And that's what's going to make this thing work; changing my brain, not necessarily the size on my clothing tags.