Ham-Packed Weekend

Surprise, surprise, I have another jam-packed holiday weekend (I had a typo there earlier that read "ham-packed," which would have worked, too).

Today Hubby and I are going to the grand opening of a new furniture store to buy a new reclining chair for my FIL, whose birthday is tomorrow. It's going to be a birthday/Father's Day/thanks for helping us remodel our house gift. We are also going out to dinner with him, MIL, B&SIL tonight.

This afternoon my nephew has a baseball game, which Hubby wants to go to. However, our niece is in town for the weekend and wants to play with Mabel at our house, so I'm going to beg off the game and stay home with them. Of course, there won't be any R&R for me -- I have to clean the garage out because we are now hosting the Monday Memorial Day picnic, since there's a chance of rain and my B&SIL, who were going to host it, have no place for people to go because their house is under renovation. You may ask why I'm cleaning the garage and not Hubby: it's because I'm cleaning out the last of my stuff out that I took out of storage a few weeks ago.

Then of course there's Sunday. I've got a family reunion at noon, then at 4 p.m. my daughter is singing at a Memorial Day service at a local cemetery. My Dad lives near this cemetery, so I'm going to try to catch him at home and say hi. He just got home from an extended vacation and I haven't seen him for months.

And then there's Monday. We have an annual parade that Mabel and I usually march or ride bikes in, and then there's our picnic.

Can you say OVERLOAD? I don't know how this keeps happening to us, but we never seem to have a moment to spare. Of course I'm a little worried about keeping mindful and conscious about my body and eating this weekend, because I will be inundated with lots of food and eating opportunities: dinner, reunion, picnic. I'm going to do my best to honor my hunger, not eat until I'm stuffed, and not get overcome by urges to binge. Wish me luck!

Have a good holiday weekend, everybody!

Just A Muffin

Still fighting whatever it is I have-- I'm still not sure if it's a cold or allergies. But my throat's better today, which is good.

A few minutes ago I did what up until, oh, today, was the unthinkable: I walked away from a half eaten double chocolate muffin, one of my current favorite foods to "indulge" (i.e. binge) on when I'm "bad." I'm still kind of amazed and dazed by it. But I really paid attention to my body, and halfway through I knew I had eaten enough to satisfy me.

It was almost like someone else was steering the controls as I watched myself put the muffin down on the table and walk away. I am a charter member of the Clean Your Plate Club, so to leave something behind is working against a behavior I've had since childhood.

I purposely didn't throw the rest of the muffin away, pour dish soap on it, etc., because that would have smacked of diet mentality to me. Besides the fact that I can't stand the thought of "wasting" food, tossing it or soaping it makes me think I've done something wrong by eating it and I'm now either hiding or destroying the evidence. Knowing that I can go back and finish the muffin when I'm hungry again was half the reason why I could walk away.

I feel kind of silly posting about eating half a muffin, but this simple act is revolutionary to me. Before IE, this muffin probably would have been the start of a binge that would last the rest of the day, even the rest of the weekend. The following Monday morning I would promise myself I'd never buy those muffins again, declaring them evil and off limits. But of course, a few weeks or months down the line, after a lot more dieting and deprivation, I would be driven to buy them once again. Now, it's just a muffin.

Yesterday in my comments, Tree Lover asked, "Are you sure you have only been at this IE thing for a few weeks? Every time I read your blog I am amazed by your insights."

I may have only been following IE for a few weeks, but the truth is I've been reading about it for at least 15 years. Each time I'd read another book I would nod my head, intellectually getting what the author was trying to say. But each time I was nowhere near ready to put it into practice. Before I lost my weight I was still too dependent on the eating and shut down to my emotions and body signals, and when I was dieting I kept telling myself "When I lose xx more pounds, then maybe I could try this as maintenance." (If I've posted this before, I apologize for repeating myself)

I suppose I could compare it to the way my weight loss happened; I had tried to lose weight several times before, but in 2004 all the elements came together and clicked, and I shed the weight. Of course, as you know, by 2007 I'd dieted myself into a diet/binge cycle. I hate to say that it was this series of events that made everything click for me with IE, because I certainly wouldn't recommend everyone mess up their heads with dieting in order to "get" IE. But I suppose in my case I did need to "hit bottom," so to speak, to reach that desperation level when I knew I had to find another way to deal with eating and food.

But the most crucial thing I've learned in the last couple weeks is this: the actual food we eat is truly secondary. This is all about our bodies and minds. So many of us learn to shut down our emotions and ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us. I definitely have, and I'm learning a lot of the why and how of that through Karen Koenig's "The Food & Feelings Workbook." Every time I pick it up I think, "Yep, that happened to me," or "Oh yeah, I do that all the time." And best of all, I'm learning how to work through these issues and replace all the screwy beliefs in my head to more rational and nurturing ones.

Do I still have my fears and doubts? Yeah, sometimes. I'm still holding on to some concerns about gaining weight, although they are decreasing. I'm realizing more and more that my sanity is more important to me than my clothing size, and this is the only way I know of that I can find that sanity when it comes to food and eating. While I'm still proud of the weight I've lost, I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being content where I am. All the books I've read say that if you follow IE you will most likely lose pounds and get to your "natural" weight, whatever that may be. However, I'm not going to hang all my hopes on that possibility. If I would happen to lose weight, so be it. But it's going to be much more of an accomplishment to me when I can reach the day when I can't remember the last time I binged. Now that would be truly wonderful.

Can Your Head Really Explode?

What a morning. I don't know if it was the TOTM headache I woke up with, the rain, or the fact that I'm getting backed up at work and everyone and their uncle has been calling my office, but I really thought for a few minutes that my head might actually explode.

Fortunately, the ibuprofen I took is kicking in and I'm starting to feel a little better. I'm chipping away at the piles of work around me, but I'm still wading through it and trying to figure out how I'm going to get it all done.

In a sick twist of fate, my deadline week for the monthly church newsletter, entitled "The Visitor," has been coinciding the last several months with my monthly visitor. I swear this adds to my aggravation levels each month as I wait around for my regular procrastinators to get their information to me, or else the other people whose psychic powers propel them to call me with all kinds of crazy, last-minute requests when my workload is already at its maximum. Today for about an hour, maybe 90 minutes, the phone seemed to ring every two minutes. Included in this chaos was two calls each from my husband and his mother. No emergencies or urgent reasons, just odd things that really could have waited until I got home. Can you say OVERLOAD?

I should be working right now, but I had to take a few minutes to collect myself and decompress. I'm kind of disappointed a little because I ate my morning snack earlier during the phone call madness and didn't get to enjoy it much. I was legitimately hungry then, so I wasn't eating it for emotional reasons, but there were too many distractions going on and it took away from the enjoyment of it. I should have put it away and saved it for later, but the physical signs of hunger were there and I didn't want to get in the "too hungry" category, which would have made things even worse.

Well, this morning I finally broke down and got back on the scale. I wanted to wait until Friday, making it a week, but I'm pretty pleased I made it five whole days. While the lingering diet mentality thoughts had made me hope for a lower number, it was exactly what I expected it to be, just by judging how I felt. This is actually a good sign because not only does it mean I'm pretty in tune with my body, but that I'm basically in a maintenance mode right now. That's a huge relief to me, because in the days that I didn't weigh I kept having these concerns that eating what I wanted was going to shoot my weight up astronomically.

While I know it's a good thing to back off on weighing myself, I did discover that as time went on I was actually afraid to get back on the scale, because of these fears of gaining weight. While I don't want to be obsessively weighing myself three times a day, I don't want to be in avoidance mode because I'm filled with worry and dread, either. Hopefully in time I will reach the point that what I weigh just doesn't matter to me anymore. It seems very difficult, however.

Well, I better get back to work here. I have more to say, but I guess it will have to wait. At least my head feels better. Maybe this afternoon I'll try to get back online in between loads of laundry and other housework. An AFG's work is never done...

The Morning After*

Debra posted yesterday about dream eating, and I had to laugh because I had one of those dreams a few nights ago. Mine often revolve around being at some big buffet, or food court, or a farmer's market kind of place with all kinds of booths, usually involving a lot of pastries.

The dream a few nights ago involved some kind of concoction that was part cookie, part scone, part cheesecake covered in sliced strawberries. It sure looked good in my dream! It was huge, the size of a big cheesecake, and I remember getting ready to buy it and savor it later.

I've already awoken from these dreams in a panic, fretting over what I've done, when I realize it isn't real. I wonder if these dreams are caused by hunger, by cravings, by anxiety, or just my compulsive desires invading my subconscious. Perhaps a little of each.

I didn't exercise this morning. I still got up fairly early but wound up doing housework instead. This wasn't the plan -- I was going to sleep in -- but when I let the dogs out and went to get them breakfast I discovered the dog food bag had fallen over during the night and sprayed bits of puppy chow all over the basement steps. So instead of crawling back into bed I was sweeping up kibble, then decided to go ahead and empty the dishwasher and take the garbage out, too.

The reason I didn't work out this morning was because my neck really had me worried yesterday. It was so tight I could hardly turn my head, so I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon with a heating pad wrapped around my neck and shoulders while I caught up on some of the shows I taped and haven't watched since I've been walking outside. Last night before bed I gave my neck, shoulders and back a thorough going-over with my big massage wand and laid down with my heating pad again (don't worry, it has an automatic shut-off, so there were no concerns of burning myself up in my bed).

But this morning it does feel a lot better. I'm thinking my problems are muscular and not my spinal reconstruction breaking down on me, because all the relaxing and stretching techniques I used seemed to have made a difference. It's still not back to normal, but I'm not worrying as much about it, either.

This afternoon I'll be busy with housekeeping/mother duties again. I have to clean up our very messy den and take boxes up to the attic, and while I'm there find Mabel's sleeping bag, because she's got a Brownies sleep-over tonight. I'd call it camping but they're sleeping indoors in a local lodge, but they'll be hiking and making trail mix and other scouty things. The leaders gave us a huge list of things to pack, so I've got to get that all together and ready for this evening.

If Hubby's game is called off for rain (which is very likely), I think we'll be having a date night. We've been trying to make more of an effort to do this, because we really do need time on our own once in a while to remember we're married and not roommates. This leads to the big question: do I work hard to eat healthy on our "date," or do I throw caution to the wind? Despite my dream earlier this week, I'm really not in the mood to stuff myself like our last date night a few weeks ago. We did Italian then and it was a carb-filled night with Italian bread, pasta and deep fried eggplant (which I have to confess was fantastic -- sorry for the food porn).

The problem is, I often have trouble remembering the unpleasant feeling of being too full when I'm perusing a menu and looking at all the endless possibilities. I get that "oh, come on, it's a special occasion" mentality when at a nice restaurant and I start splurging and "treating" myself. But then the next morning I pay the consequences when the scale displays the bloat my eating has caused. It's then that I have to remind myself of the great feeling I get when I choose wisely, eat sensibly and see it pay off on the scale the next morning. There's always that sense of accomplishment and success that makes the whole rest of the day better.

It all comes down to how I want to dole out my pain and pleasure. There's the temporary pleasure of eating comfort foods that is followed by regret, or I can cause a little discomfort at first by holding myself back from overeating, which is followed by a feeling of pride and a boost to my self-esteem the next day. When I think of it that way, the latter choice makes a lot more sense, doesn't it? In both instances my feelings the morning after are the ones that stick with me the longest, so it would be logical to make the positive feelings last longer. But we aren't Vulcans, and unlike Mr. Spock, our emotions often lead us to very illogical choices. I'll just have to do the best I can and keep trying to make the right decisions.

*Darn, now I've got that Duran Duran song stuck in my head! I was such a huge D2 fan in my preteen days -- my biggest debate was who I loved more, Simon LeBon or John Taylor.

Confrontation Can Be My Friend

I was so glad to have a mindful food day yesterday. Now granted, not all the food choices were healthy and low-calorie, but everything was portioned, and nothing was eaten compulsively. I drank lots of water, exercised and blogged, and I made real conscious choices about what I ate before I ate it. And fortunately, this morning the scale confirmed I'm on the right track as the bloat is coming off.

For the time being I'm going to go with this method. Instead of going extreme and trying to lose the bloat as quickly as possible by severely restricting myself, I'm going to take it easy and not risk the chance of falling into the perfectionist all-or-nothing cycle that leads to trouble.

This isn't a race, I keep telling myself. Even though the title of this blog is Onederful Bound, I'm not going to give myself a deadline to reach 199. My priorities have to be non-scale related, because if I don't focus on the mental aspects, the eating and the exercise, the scale is irrelevant, because even if I managed to get to a low weight, it won't last.

Wow is today hectic. Since 6:30 a.m. I've felt put upon, at that point by husband, puppies and child needing me simultaneously. Work has been even worse: I think every single person who occasionally needs something from me has called or stopped in today for their requests.

All of this leaves me feeling very ... jittery. My mind is racing because I'm trying to figure out what to get done first and making sure I don't forget anything. Plus I have to stop by my eye doctor and give somebody hell because they're messing with me.

(I'm going on a rant here because I need to -- skip ahead if it's annoying)
I switched to this optometrist on my husband's recommendation (first mistake). Our new health insurance covers the exam and your choice of contacts or glasses. I went with the contacts.

The troubles began immediately when what should have been a one-week wait for my contacts took over a month. I finally get them and didn't realize until after the holidays that what I thought was a year's prescription (I wear disposables) was only three month's worth. I called them a few weeks ago about this and their response was that this was a 6-month supply and that all of their clients wear these contacts for a month at a time. Well, I've been wearing these contacts for years, and I've always been instructed to wear them for 2 weeks. I told them this and they said they'd order me more.

Well, I still haven't gotten a call saying these contacts are in for me to pick up, but yesterday I get a BILL in the mail for $40 for contacts! I'm assuming the doctor's office informed my insurance company that this was an "extra" purchase, so they refused to pay it. Getting miffed, I go online to the manufacturer of my contacts to see what their recommended usage is for my type of contact. And there in black and white it says my lenses are designed for two week use, and only ONE week if you don't take them out every night! So why should I be penalized because my optometrist is incorrectly prescribing these lenses!?! And shouldn't I at least get my year's worth (to the optometrist six months) before I have to start paying out for more?

I'm going to call my insurance carrier about it this afternoon, just to make sure I have all the information I need before going in there. Part of me wants to go in there and really raise a stink, but I'm soooo bad at confrontation. I don't feel comfortable getting angry, even if it is to stand up for myself. But I feel like I'm getting screwed here, and I don't want to just cough up the cash without at least presenting my case. Besides the fact that I haven't even gotten the damn things yet! Unless something really impressive happens and things go well, you can believe me that I will never be returning to this optometrist and will tell everyone I know not to go to him.

(Okay, rant is over) I feel stretched so thin by days like this. Actually, it's been ongoing, hasn't it? Last night Hubby and I had yet another "discussion" (I'd call it a fight except we don't yell; I guess argument would be better) that left me mentally exhausted, too. Again, I hate confrontation, but Hubby had said something Monday night that left me fuming all day Tuesday, and I knew I had to address it or it would never go away.

What makes me furious about our arguments is that Hubby always tries to find a way to push the blame off of himself. It's always about me (or Mabel) taking things the wrong way, blowing things out of proportion, or interpreting things that he didn't intend. In the beginning I used to accept this, but more and more I refuse to let him off the hook, which makes him even more defensive, or the one I love, try to pull the guilt trip ("I better just learn to shut up and not talk at all; I guess I'm not allowed to have an opinion," etc.) I tell him he's entitled to opinions and to talk, but he better start thinking before letting things fly out of his mouth, and if he doesn't, then he better accept the responsibility of the reactions his words cause.

The funny thing is, after these "discussions," after he gets so defensive and blustery, he suddenly switches into this "forgive me" mode and tells me how horrible it is when I'm mad at him. I think I'm starting to figure him out. When confronted with something he's done that I don't like, his first instinct is to protect himself. But I think once this first automatic response wears off, his need to be a people pleaser takes over and he becomes more conciliatory and remorseful.

So what's to be learned from all that I've spewed here today? That confrontation isn't that horrible a thing. I always have so much fear and anxiety about standing up for myself, and I guess it comes down to the fear of rejection and failure. It's the misconception that if I tell someone I don't like what they're doing, they won't like/love me any more, and that will make me a terrible person.

The truth is, no one can know something's bothering me unless I tell them. A lot of things are a misunderstanding or miscommunication, and sometimes bringing it to the person's attention improves things immensely. I've learned that I can express my displeasure to my husband and he doesn't hate me or ask for a divorce; he still loves me and wants to make things right. And what's the worst that can happen by investigating and probing into this contact business? I pay $40 for my contacts and remind myself to set up my next annual exam with another optometrist. No one dies, no one goes to jail, no one goes bankrupt. In the grand scheme of things it's a minor annoyance and a lesson learned.

I think this knowledge will help me get through this crazy day without turning to the leftover Easter candy. It's good to know that confrontation can actually be a good thing, and I shouldn't dread it like the Grim Reaper knocking on my door. It takes effort, but usually the end result benefits me. Kind of like this mindful eating thing!

Easter Vacation

My friend has sent me another odd vintage holiday card. Here the poor little chick is forced by her mother to watch her unhatched sibling offered up to the giant skillet, held by a disturbing upright rabbit (The Real Easter Bunny?) in a jaunty little outfit. Not sure what's so joyful about this.

I've come to the decision I'm giving myself another "by week," which I haven't done since Thanksgiving. It sort of started last night, when we went out for dinner and I made some not-so-great choices. It was by no means a binge or even an overeating session -- I simply went with full calorie salad dressing, ate 1 piece (not 2, 3 or 6) of garlic bread, a few tiny bites of chili, mac & cheese and broccoli salad (none of which were that great so I didn't finish them), real butter on my sweet potato, and I finished off with some dessert. One small plate, not three trips to the buffet with the big salad plate. And the scale confirmed this morning that I didn't go overboard.

I'm also still exercising. Despite the howling winds, snow and cold temperature this morning, I got up and did my half hour each of bike and treadmill. I measured out my breakfast and packed my healthy morning snack, and I have a steak salad planned for lunch. Having said that, I must also admit I took three pieces of Easter candy from my daughter's stash. Not the whole thing, just three small pieces.

So here's the plan: I'm going to try to eat healthy meals and snacks, but I'm not going to berate myself if I eat something that isn't low fat or calorie. I'm not going to fret over calories or fat grams, and I'm going to officially hide my scale until late next week. I plan on doing some form of exercise every day. I really feel that I need this little break. I'm definitely feeling some diet fatigue, bordering on burn out, and I think a few days of not worrying about it. This is all with the knowledge that on Monday I go back to the routine.

Although from the previous paragraph it doesn't sound like I'm veering that far off my routine. I guess that's because a lot of it has become second nature. The exercise feels good. I truly enjoy the flavor of many healthy foods, especially vegetables! I really don't like the feeling of being so full I'm physically ill. These are great, and proof that some of these changes I've made have been deep and life altering.

Posting will be a little dodgy the next few days. Tomorrow my niece is coming over to play with Mabel while my sister is at class; Saturday is my family's holiday dinner, and on Sunday my sister-in-law is having one for hers and our husbands' family.

So if I don't post again until Monday, have a great Easter holiday.

Don't Give Up, Don't Hold Back

We officially own our house. Hooray! The closing went smoothly without any problems.

Then, in true food addict fashion, we had to go out for dinner to "celebrate." And because the in-laws picked Mabel up from school, they came with us. I know this sounds completely ungrateful and nasty. But I guess I'm seeing through the "let's use food for every emotion and event" mentality that's so prevalent not only in our family, but in our society. I'm not saying I don't do it, because believe me I do, but I'm really becoming cognizant of it. Like Adam and Eve when they ate the apple, once you have that awareness, that loss of innocence/ignorance makes it impossible to stay blind to it. I can't go back to mindlessly eating anymore, because I'm instantly analyzing why I'm doing it. And the good thing about this is that I often catch myself and prevent it from happening.

For example. This morning the scale was not good because the meal I had last night, while low fat with lots of veggies, must have had a lot of sodium in it, because I was pretty bloated. And I knew my calorie total for the day was about 1365, so I knew it was water retention. My internal voice said "Crap, it's Thursday and I'm all bloated up. I'll never have a good weigh in on Saturday. I should just throw in the towel this week and not worry about it." Not worry about it in this case meant eating whatever I want, i.e. overeating.

Instantly I scolded myself. So what if this Saturday's weigh-in is high? I knew going in to this week that I would probably encounter this (PMS, time of the month), so it's no surprise. That's no excuse to break my Monday-Friday rule. Because if I do, the Saturday weigh in will be even worse! At least this way, if I stick to my guns, the damage will be minimal.

I reminded myself once again that this lifestyle change isn't all about the number on the scale. It's about ending the compulsive overeating, becoming more active and living a healthier life. Right now this Monday-Friday rule is very important to me; it means the majority of my life is under my control. It means I can enact limits and goals and follow through on them. While ideally it should be seven days a week, at this point in my life I've negotiated the five days with myself, and it's working. So I don't want to blow that. Not now, not after 130 pounds!

So I'm not giving up this week, saying what the hell and starting over on Monday. I'm sticking to it, and on Saturday when I post my weigh in, even if the number isn't good, I can least write that I ate healthy all week and exercised every day. I'll know I did the best I could, and if I keep doing my best, eventually the results will come. Maybe not this week, but maybe in a week or two.

Big breakthrough on the Mabel front. She confided in me yesterday she got in trouble at school for hitting two boys in two different incidents at school earlier this week. She lost two recesses because of this. I'm pretty convinced her stomach ailments were due to nerves because she was afraid to tell Daddy and me about this. She even told us afterwards, "I feel so much better now!"

Coincidentally, earlier this week report cards were sent home, and on the signature page there's a box to mark if you want to have a conference with the teacher, and I had marked yes. This was before the hitting revelation. Pretty timely, huh? We'll have a lot to talk about.

As for our reaction to this, I was really pleased how Hubby and I handled it. We told her she has to be open and honest with us, because we don't want to hear about these things first from a teacher, etc. While she is being punished at home -- four days without computer games (believe me, this hurts) -- we told her she needs to not be afraid to talk to us, and even if she does mess up, we still love her. We also talked to her about controlling her anger -- each incident involved a boy who "annoys" her, she said -- and tried to drive home that hitting and violence isn't allowed.

This morning Hubby agreed with me that her stomach problems do seem to be coming from emotional causes, and it concerns him. I replied that we're already addressing it by teaching her how much better it feels when she talks about her problems instead of holding them in. "I wish I had had that when I was her age," I added. "Because when I was growing up, I never felt like anyone wanted to hear about my problems."

After I said it I realized I deal with this to this very day. And it has a lot to do not only with my weight, but with the depression I've battled since my teen years.

So there are the two big lessons for the day: don't give up, and don't hold back. Good things to remember.

Looking Forward

Another day, another festival goodie. Today was the curly fries with cheese, which I must say was much cheaper and more satisfying than yesterday's soup in a bread bowl. I was so hungry by 4 p.m. that I had to eat my half bagel sandwich, despite my fruit snack mid-afternoon. But instead of going berserk after that I ate my planned dinner and evening snack, and I got back to the gym this morning.

I don't know if I'll go to the gym tomorrow; I got my four days in and it is kind of hard juggling Mabel around in the morning before I head over to the festival. So I might just do my treadmill at home in the morning. I hate the thought of sitting on my butt all day in the kids' building and eating my goodie (which will either be the fried veggies or the apple dumpling) and then facing a very binge prone weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm going to wait an extra week to weight myself after this because there's no point getting myself disappointed with something out of my control.

I mean, I will control my urges to binge and overeat as much as possible, but at the same time, I'm not going to make a scene and not eat what the others are eating, even if it isn't the healthiest choice. A lot of this project is eating "normally," and part of that is being able to eat a variety of foods, "good" and "bad," without going bananas.

To kill time today I was filling out my meal planner notebook and took it to July so far. I suppose the question is, how long do I monitor my meals? Until I reach my goal weight; indefinitely? I do think I'm always going to have to be very conscious about what and why I'm eating, because I am so prone to falling back into old habits. But something tells me I won't always have to record every bite I eat forever. Eventually these new habits should become second nature. I hope so. I hope I can make lasting improvements that I'll be able to maintain the rest of my life.

Maple Fest -- Day One

Well, I survived the first day of the festival. While I did eat differently than I would have in my normal routine, that was just the point -- I was out of my normal routine and still managed to eat pretty healthy and not compulsively.

I did eat a couple crackers (and a pretzel) sampling some dips at one of the stands, but that's far from overeating. I bought one goodie -- a burnt sugar gob [for those of you wondering what the heck that is, they're also called whoopie pies: two round pieces of cake with icing in the middle; the burnt sugar thing deals with caramelizing the sugar in the batter and the icing] and saved it until I got home. Probably the biggest divergence from my plan was eating the remainder of Mabel's nachos with cheese -- there were only about 10 chips left, I'm guessing. So I ate those and the gob when I got home and decided that was my supper and dessert, and it was enough.

For the first time ever, I wasn't driven to go out and buy every deep fried, breaded, fat-laden thing I could find. While things looked tasty, nothing was so tempting as to be calling my name and beckoning me to gulp it all down. It was really quite strange and truly liberating for me. Could I really be breaking free from the addiction of food? Granted, I sort of "treated" myself when I packed a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, but that pales in comparison to what a day at the festival was last year. What I ate in one day last year is what I plan on spreading throughout the whole week this year, rather than all of it on a daily basis!

I watched a show on Discovery Health about Ann Wilson from Heart, who had the lap band surgery, and the whole thing gave me a bad vibe. Am I kidding myself that I can change my life on my own, when you see these people who could only do it when forced to by surgery? They showed her and her lifestyle now -- exercising five days a week, eating healthy foods -- which is what I'm doing now -- and I think, "couldn't this rich and famous rock star figure this out before subjecting herself to the knife?"

Maybe addiction's like that: for some people you have to force the issue -- whether it be the Betty Ford Center or bariatric surgery -- to finally break free of it. I guess my question is, am I strong enough to do this without such drastic measures? Will I be able to make permanent changes in how I think about and eat food that will enable me to get to a "reasonable" weight and maintain it?

I'm very anxious and impatient to see the scale move down again, but somehow I doubt I'll lose much (if any) during the festival, since I'm allowing myself my daily "goodie" (rather than calling it "bad" food). But for heaven's sake, I've lost so much so fast already, and isn't it better to get me through this immense trigger week by teaching myself to think and eat sanely -- eating small portions of trigger foods without prompting an enormous overeating session? If I can make that happen, that's real progress -- not on the scale, but for my emotional well being. And that's what's going to make this thing work; changing my brain, not necessarily the size on my clothing tags.

Stepping Out

Well, disappointment. OA is not meeting in M anymore. The closest place that I'm aware of is J-town, on Monday nights during my daughter's dance class, and Saturday mornings, when I'll be working most weekends at the B&B. So I made some calls and left my info with the regional group, and I think they're going to send me information. I find it shocking that there isn't a meeting in our county seat -- there are certainly enough overeaters around!

So, for the time being I'm reading stuff on the Internet and I'm looking into books and OA literature. If I can at least keep myself motivated that way until I can find a meeting that works or a support person to talk or email with about the steps and OA issues.

Tuesday was Shrove Tuesday and we had a typical Lutheran pot luck dinner at the church. I was a little nervous about going and being tempted to overeat, but I thought I did very well -- I got little samples of different dishes and didn't overload my plate, and I limited myself to one small piece of dessert. I didn't feel deprived and I left feeling satisfied, not stuffed. In fact, earlier that day I went to lunch with S.A. at the Chinese buffet, which I was concerned about, too. Again, I thought about what I picked, went heavier on veggies and lighter on rice and breaded items, and didn't even have an urge to get the desserts. I went up twice, but I didn't pile up my plate. Again, when I left I didn't feel like I had overeaten and didn't feel like I gorged.

Now some people might say, "but you ate high-starch, high-carb or sugary food," or "you should be avoiding buffets and pot lucks." But then I would have missed out on the fellowship and friendship that were the reason for the get-togethers. In my opinion, if I hadn't gone, I would have felt that I was depriving myself, which would have made me feel sorry for myself and would have very likely led to a binge, which almost always happens when I'm alone. I truly believe I ate sensibly and mindfully, and that's the main idea of this whole thing.

In fact, today was the first time since I've started that I had a binge craving -- I was driving in the car and started thinking about making a pumpkin pie that's in the freezer. I was fully aware of it and thought it through, and instead I went home and started to make my healthy dinner, which included my maple mashed sweet potatoes, and they took care of the pumpkin craving quite well!

Later, Mabel and I treated ourselves by watching our brand new Yoga for kids tape and trying out the various poses. We had a lot of fun, and actually did physical exercise rather than eating, which is very good indeed.

I'm not going to kid myself. I know there will be days ahead where the temptations will be greater and my resolve will be less. But I know how to make healthy choices, not just with food but with activities, too, and the more I do them, the more habitual they will become, and hopefully that foundation will get me through those rough days.