An Unconventional Day

Yesterday was a real experiment in Intuitive Eating. Before lunch my Mom stopped by my office with my daughter (she babysat Mabel while Hubby was at his last day of school), and they stayed and hung out for a while. Mom had just gone to the dollar store and cracked open a can of cashews, and since I was beginning to get hungry, I took a handful and slowly ate them as I finished up my work for the day. Nuts have always been a "danger" food for me in my dieting/restricting days, one of those high calorie no-nos that often became a trigger food. But I was determined to break that old association with nuts and teach myself that I can eat a handful of nuts without starting binge mentality.

The nuts tided me over a little while, but when I got home I was still hungry and I threw together a fish sandwich to eat before Mabel and I went shopping. I normally eat a larger lunch, but the nuts had apparently taken care of some of my usual appetite and I was content with the sandwich.

Several hours later after some shopping at the mall, Mabel was finally hungry for lunch, and she wanted to go to the food court. She decided on the Japanese hibachi place and ordered the chicken teriyaki with rice and vegetables. I grabbed two forks, feeling kind of hungry but not ravenous. She and I split the meal, and when we were done I felt satisfied, not full.

By the time we got home it was 5 o'clock. Hubby called and asked if it was okay if he grabbed a bite to eat with some teacher friends of his, and I told him that was great, because Mabel and I were quite content with our early supper.

An hour later, however, Mabel wanted ice cream, and I decided I could go for some, too, so we went and I got one of my favorite sundaes. I ate it all, felt comfortably full when I was done, and that was it for the rest of the day.

While it may have not have been the healthiest food in the world, I was pleased that I was able to eat "unconventionally" for the day. If I had been in "free" (not dieting or overeating) mode, I would have eaten half the container of cashews, or if I didn't, I would have felt deprived or triggered and eaten a big lunch. I would have ordered my own meal or something equivalent from the food court when Mabel ordered hers , then very likely would have had supper on top of that. And ice cream? Hey, at that point, what the heck? And I might have topped that off later that evening with whatever "bad" food was lying around the house.

There's something nice about what I consider eating like a kid. I didn't eat according to a schedule, I ate what I wanted and didn't think about fat grams or sodium, and I didn't sit around afterwards feeling stuffed and bloated.

And I wasn't worrying about how I'd fit in my bathing suit next week. In fact, I was actually pleased that during my clothes shopping that the L size (14-16 in this certain store) in the misses' section fit the best. It's so odd for me to walk past the women's section now, and even more bizarre that I'm bypassing the XLs in the regular section. Crazy!

I even had another one of those light bulb moments last night about emotional triggers. My Hubby made a comment that instantly made me defensive, angry, and sad, and sent me into the "I can't do anything right" martyr mode. But it only took just a few short minutes for me to dissect this and realize what was going on. My rational side told me that Hubby didn't make the comment to criticize and degrade me. In fact, he was talking about an inanimate object, but I was connecting myself to it and associating myself with the criticism because I was the one who bought it. While he does have this habit of speaking in a tone that comes off harsh and critical, I've been around him enough to know that this often isn't his intention.

I looked at the incident and statement objectively and tried to find a reason why it triggered this emotional response. I immediately realized that his tone was very reminiscent of my father, and my reaction to him in those moments was to always feel hurt, rejected and that I couldn't do anything right.

Once I put these things together, I was intrigued to find that while I had solved why I felt this way, all of those feelings didn't magically disappear. Although the feelings of anger and hurt had dissipated, I was still a little defensive and irritated. I thought about this and realized I would just have to ride them out -- as I've learned, there are no emotions that I can't handle. The funniest thing was, while I was irritated, I actually found myself laughing to myself about it, because I knew it was based on ancient history and that my feelings would quickly pass.

The best part was when Hubby and I finally went to bed. He asked me if I was all right, and instead of taking the passive route of saying "Yeah, I'm fine," I began to tell him about what he did and my response to it. He immediately tried to defend himself and I interrupted him, telling him it wasn't necessary, because I already knew he didn't say it to attack me. I explained to him how I recognized the trigger and figured out why it brought out these emotions in me.

Not only was I able to share my feelings, which is huge progress for me, I was able to do it in a way that didn't cause an argument or make Hubby feel defensive. Hopefully he realized that sometimes the way he talks has this old association for me, and perhaps in the future he just might remember that and try to tone it down a little.

I guess it was an unconventional day all around. While this feels so new and exciting right now, I'm hoping this becomes the norm and those old days of dieting and binge eating become a thing of the distant past.

Monday Part Two

I did not mention that I've been quoted again on Angry Fat Girlz! Two times in one month; I'm really amazed that someone out there (thanks, by the way), sees my over-analyzed navel gazing as something worth sharing. But it's great that people identify and relate to what I have to say. So often in my life I've felt alone: both when I was super obese and now that I'm a "super loser."

Lori asked a question to Sunday's post that I never got to answer but has been sticking with me. She asked, "If someone else had a similar meal or dessert, would that have made you feel better or less alone?"

And you know, the more I thought about it, the more I agreed that yes, I wouldn't have felt so James Dean about it all (i.e., the lone rebel) if at least one other person had gone the healthier route with me. I talked to my friend L about it this morning. She was in our gang Saturday night and said she could tell I was getting a little frustrated by all the unhealthy eating going on while I was trying to do the right thing. Of course, that didn't stop her from doing it, but let's face it, it's not her job to make me feel good all the time. We're all adults, we all make choices, and in the end we all had a fun evening out.

She and her husband (my brother-in-law) considered Saturday night their splurge night and went back to their healthier diets on Sunday. They have been on a mission to eat healthier for several months now, when BIL's cholesterol was getting so high the doctor was considering medication (and he's only 36). Since they have made adjustments to their eating habits -- more broiled and baked lean meats instead of fatty, fried ones, lots of whole grains and a regimen of garlic supplements for BIL -- he has knocked his cholesterol down 30 points, lost a few pounds, and the doctor has said forget the meds.

This is my Hubby's brother, and I really wish some sibling rivalry would rub off here. Hubby's cholesterol is in the borderline zone, although it did drop a few points once he started cooking healthier suppers for me. But it's still not where it really should be, and with both his parents' history of heart problems (MIL had bypass surgery after a heart attack; FIL is 100% dependent on a pacemaker), and inheriting their apple shapes, the odds are good he'll run the risk of heart disease, too. My biggest fear is getting a phone call from the school where he works, telling me he collapsed and was taken to the hospital. I hope the call never comes, but I still worry.

Mentioning all this medical stuff, let me finally get to my doctor's visit. First thing was the scale, and I have to say I was a little dismayed to hear my height was 5 ft. 5 3/4 in. -- I've always been 5 ft. 6 in., so either I was slouching, or I'm shrinking. More calcium! Now!

The good news was my weight was 210 on their scale, which is at least a pound less than the last time I was there a month to six weeks ago. So I got to breathe a sigh of relief there.

The funniest/best part was when the doctor came in and immediately shook my hand, saying, "Good for you." I must have looked at him quizzically, because he added, "For the weight loss."

"Well, I keep trying," I replied.

"And it's working," he stated. "Most people are losing the battle, but not you."

Encouraging words after the last few weeks. The rest of the exam went fine and other than wanting more blood work in six months (keeping track of my thyroid levels, as well as checking my cholesterol, triglycerides, etc.), I was good to go. Who knows, I may get over my fear and loathing of doctors after all!

Emerging from the Puddle

I've talked before about my favorite show, The Vicar of Dibley. In my favorite episode, Autumn, the Vicar is walking down a lovely country lane with her new beau. They come up to a series of puddles and at first she playfully splashes around in one. Then she goes to splash in the next one and plunges in over her head. The first time I saw it I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face.

Today I feel like I'm bobbing up from that muddy water, wondering what in the hell happened.
As you may notice, I haven't said I've dragged myself out of it yet. But I'm getting there.

It started this morning with an hour on the bike (10 miles), my green tea, and right now I'm sipping at a ginormous mug of water. My food still isn't perfect, but today is the first real day since Thursday that I am craving the need to portion and control my intake. Going to exercise wasn't like pulling teeth this morning, it was just something I wanted to do. I'm taking these as good signs.

So yeah, although I am fairly disgusted with the tumble I've taken, I'm aware that this is incredibly brief compared to even last year. I mean, now I can't go a whole week without the New Me tapping on the inside of my skull and saying, "Yoo-hoo, it's me. Enough of this silliness. It's time to start getting back on track now."

I guess I understand deep down that this compulsive eating is no longer the Normal Operating Procedure. While it's easy to go back to (too damn easy, unfortunately), it doesn't feel right any more. After a few days of it I feel myself wanting to return to the new way I've learned to live.

I am incredibly bloated right now. I won't even say how much because I don't think anyone would believe me. The only way I can figure that this can happen is that all my depleted fat cells fill with this water retention, because I don't know where else this massive amount of weight gain can be coming from. Yes, I've been weighing myself daily, even though I wasn't going to. But I think I needed to do that to keep me grounded and not in denial about what I was doing.

So I'm going to mark my successes for the immediate future by recording my exercise and celebrating each day that I can prevent compulsive overeating. I'm not going to worry about the calories, I'm more concerned about limiting my portions and listening to my body. I guess this is called intuitive eating, which I should really read more about.

Thanks for the support, commenters. I'm feeling kind of fragile right now and knowing you're out there helps so much. I know this blog is one of the big reasons this stumble has not become a complete crash and that I'm picking up the pieces so quickly. So don't worry, I'll be here.

The Week 26 Weigh In

Alternate post titles for today could have been
Truth and Consequences
or
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The truth is, I am up 1.5 pounds, back up to 206. I have to admit this bums me out a bit. I do know that last week I was taking a lot of decongestants to dry up a cold, and they tend to dehydrate me, which may have contributed to the 2-pound loss last week. So 206 is probably a more accurate -- true-- reading this week.

But let's face some other truths, and their consequences -- I slipped up last Friday with the seafood buffet, and although I did my best to limit my eating on Saturday, Sunday was pretty wild with the festival food. Add to that a lot of stress and lack of sleep this past week with Les Poopies, and despite the healthy eating and exercising Monday - Thursday, it didn't make up for it. In addition, I'm weighing in a day early because we're going to the last Lenten dinner of the year tonight. So I am also paying the consequences for that.

Vickie also brought up another very good point. While I'm doing lots of cardio, I haven't been able to keep up a steady routine of toning. I'll do good for a week then not do it all for two weeks. I know this would probably make a big difference, not only with increasing muscle tone and burning calories more efficiently, but also with my appearance.

The question is how I fit this into my daily schedule. I don't really want to decrease my cardio -- in fact, I need that hour so I can work on my 5 or 10K coming up in June. That means finding another 30-60 minutes a day to tone. I either need to commit to the Pilates, which I could really feel the effects of when I did do it, or join a gym and use the weights. Or, I can do a combination of the two for maximum variety and results.

The problem is carving the time out of my day. Afternoons make sense, because generally I have time then, but there are some weeks that every single day has some kind of afternoon errand -- doctor appointments for me or Mabel, mainly. Evenings are nearly impossible because of the time taken up with homework, piano, Brownies, dinner, bath and bed time routines. And now, of course, I've got the puppies who need lots of human interaction, not to mention taking them outside to go potty about every two hours.

It really comes down to making the effort and not making excuses. There's another good alternate title -- Making the Effort, Not Excuses. This Fitness Challenge is the perfect opportunity to establish this new routine. I've got an outside motivator (the amount of time I do it gives our team more points), and the tally sheets give me a means of documenting and staying accountable.

Even if it's only 20- 30 minutes three times a week, doing it regularly will make a difference. The hardest part is training myself to adopt the new habit. I managed to establish the other healthy habits -- mindful eating, nearly daily cardio -- so I know I can do it.

Another cold hard truth: back in the early days of the weight loss a big part of my success was the fact that I was at the gym 90 minutes a day five days a week. And a good portion of that time was spent doing toning and weights. Now granted, I was losing a lot of weight at that time because I had a lot to lose. But I think I would have better results now if I devoted more time to it.

Of course, at that time period I was only working very sporadically at the B&B, mainly weekends; Mabel was little and not in school and she wasn't involved in Brownies, piano and running to allergy shots and orthodontist appointments; and I wasn't married to a husband whose family was born to run -- and eat! I had a LOT more free time in my day to spend at the gym! So I've got my work cut out for me.

The big pressing issue right now is today. The combination of the disappointing weigh in this morning and knowing I'm eating out tonight is really making the Fat Girl voice in my head sing a chorus of "What the hell, eat crazy all day!" But I'm putting up the good fight. I've stuck to my healthy breakfast and mid-morning snack, and my healthy lunch is in my fridge at home ready to reheat. After that, well, I can't give you or myself any promises that this evening won't fall into gluttony. But if I can limit it to half a day instead of a whole day, that's success in my book.

I have one more festival day on Sunday, and I know it will be near impossible to resist the treats there. But I have nothing planned for Saturday; Hubby's taking his parents to the airport for their week-long trip to Las Vegas, and I'm staying home with the puppies. So I am bound and determined to make Saturday a healthy day, because I really shouldn't have any outside temptations, and anything else is an excuse and a cop-out.

So, now that I've put it here for all to see, I better stick to it, huh? Thank you and this blog for keeping me honest and accountable. I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how it's going!

Adding Up to Less

257! I weighed myself on Friday just to make sure I was back down to 260, and I was shocked to see another three pounds gone! Part of me can't figure out how it's happening. In the past I could never budge my weight, and now it feels almost effortless. Of course, I know that's not true -- despite my occasional dalliances with unhealthy food, overall I've greatly changed my eating habits. It's just that I've gotten so used to it that it is in fact habit.

The exercise, too. If I don't do at least four days (1.5 hours each) at the gym a week I don't feel complete. And that's not counting all the walking, mowing, cleaning, etc., that I also do every week. It's all adding up -- to less!

I even fell of the wagon yesterday -- B&B leftovers, birthday party and Block Party all conspiring against me -- but I'm shrugging it off. I recorded everything I ate in my food journal, worked hard yesterday cooking, cleaning and straightening up the B&B garage, and today I "busted hump" cleaning my garage at home. It seems like I'm always on the move. I even walked to and from the BB during Sunday school to bring down leftover cookies and pretzels for the kids.

It's rare that I don't have at least one person make a comment about my weight loss every day that I'm out in public. You can't really ignore 53 pounds, can you? It really struck home with me yesterday when I got a glance at a Christmas picture of me with Mabel, and my face was so much fuller. But it's a lot of things: realizing I have "sitting bones" and other re-emerging bones all over my body; feeling colder because I have less insulation covering my body; even being able to stand better because there's less fat on my thighs pushing my legs apart. And I'm sure all the exercise and better eating is helping with all my numbers: cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. I'll be curious to see what they are this fall during my annual exam.

Actually, I've had this reoccurring thought/daydream of walking into my doctors' (general and ob-gyn) offices and for once not walking to the scale like it's the gallows. If I go by my 10-pound a month goal, I should be around 220 to 210 pounds -- possibly 100 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this year! I can't even quite grasp the enormity of that, or if it's even possible for me to do. It does help that I keep my mind focused on the 10 pounds. It's a much easier goal to comprehend and doesn't seem so difficult. But I do sit there (usually on the stationary bike as a motivation), thinking how I'll relish it when I go in there and won't have to withstand another round of "the talk" -- how I should lose weight.

Sometimes I feel like a sell-out to the fat acceptance movement, and when I read the Gab Cafe on fatso.com I feel like I'm betraying those who've given me so much encouragement in the past. But I know I will never be skinny. I will never be what society deems ideal. I'm taking my body and mind on a journey to discover at what point it feels healthy and at peace, and then we'll start a new phase.

Fifity Pounds Gone

I did it! I made it to 260 before the end of May! I almost couldn't believe it when I saw it on the scale Wednesday morning -- I've recently learned the term is "whooshing" when your weight suddenly drops several pounds overnight (or seemingly does).

However, I feel like I damaged the success with my eating this past weekend -- Memorial Day weekend -- and I don't plan on looking at the scale until next Wednesday before my appointment with Dr. K. I ate so much junk food Sunday and Monday, in addition to the drinking I did Saturday night during my class reunion. Monday was the worst, because I was in total "eat it to get it out of the house" mode. I was so glad to get back to reality today, and I did just fine until I got to the Block Party and got a funnel cake. The good news is, it made me half ill and I threw the last part of it away -- that in itself is an accomplishment!

So, I'm guessing I stalled my efforts at weight loss for a while, but since my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the month, I have plenty of time to recover. Even though in past months I've lost more, I'm sticking to the 10 pound guideline as a reasonable expectation. I shouldn't have another complete "free day" until my birthday later this month, so that should give me an adequate time to get back on track.

Really, it was a relief to get back to my routine today. I even did Slim Fast drinks and a meal replacement bar for breakfast, lunch and snack and felt perfectly content with it, probably because my system was still so over -saturated from the weekend. Food just isn't the solace it used to be.

By the way, S.S. finally did say something to me about the weight loss -- on instant messaging after he went home! So funny, but typical. I also had some comments during the class reunion, too, which was a nice ego boost.

I'm getting tired. I'm going go for now and continue tomorrow.

Back on Track

Rough week, both with the level of activity and the eating. There was just so much going on -- dinner with my uncle friends of the family; and adoption day picnic, a neighbor's birthday party, in addition to other meals out. While I did my best to eat healthy and exercise before, during and after all these temptations, I still ate foods I shouldn't have and more than I should have.

Why, you may ask? Well, a good part of it was because I wanted to be part of the gang, not single myself out by saying, "Oh, I can't eat that!" or sound like an idiot. In some instances there just weren't any healthy alternatives -- I wish parents would start offering fruits and veggies at these birthday parties instead of just pizza and potato chips.

Does that sound like a massive cop-out? Do I sound weak-willed and full of excuses? Do I consider it a failure if I don't reach 260 by Saturday? I just can't think that way and hope to succeed at my intentions.

Instead of throwing my hands up in the air and saying "I give up! I'll eat like a fiend all weekend," I tried my darnedest to eat sensibly when I could. Instead of thinking about the upcoming weekend and thinking, "What the hell, I'll just eat this week and start again next week," I instinctively got back to my routine immediately -- anymore it's as basic as brushing my teeth.

Was I disappointed that S.S. didn't make a single reference to my appearance? Yes. Did it bum me out that when I was introduced to a new guy at the party Saturday (and who everyone thought I should be fixed up with) that it left me feeling inadequate and not good enough? Oh yeah. Did these things contribute to my overeating -- not a lot, but more than my regular routine allows? You betcha.

I don't know how anyone could have gotten through all of that without treating themselves some. At least I'm back on track for now, and even after this upcoming weekend I'll get back to it and feel good.

Fifty Days, Thirty Pounds

What a great way to celebrate 50 days -- by marking 30 pounds gone since Feb. 17! It really just blows my mind. I don't think I've ever been able to maintain a routine like this for this long and with these results -- not without making myself miserable.

Granted, there are still temptations, still moments where I think about making myself a mountain of quesadillas and stuffing myself. And believe me, I'm counting the days until Easter when I can dive into that peanut butter meltaway egg! That will never go away. But if I can regulate those moments to the occasional "treat day" instead of an everyday occurrence, I hope I can keep myself from falling back into my old ways (and weighs!).

What's fun, however, is watching my body change. Even my face is slowly changing as I'm losing weight. It's all the little things I observe on a day to day basis that remind me that there are already results, even if it seems like they're minuscule sometimes. It's difficult to keep that "I've got so far to go" attitude out of my head. Instead, the other day I was calculating numbers in m head, and I figured that at 3 pounds a week, I could be down to around 250 by my birthday. Seeing that my average loss has continued to be about 5 pounds per week, that should be a very attainable goal and one that thrills me. That's not far away at all! Even if I go down 2 pounds a week, I could be awfully trim by Christmas time if I keep faithful to my current plan.

I keep worrying that something is going to derail me -- some stressful event or injury that will sabotage me. But nothing's been able to derail me so far, and I can only hope I've picked up enough knowledge and skills to keep me going even during the harder times.

By now the gym, recording my meals, even the portion sizes, are becoming second nature to me. While I'm still wishing I could get my ass in gear with housework and B&B maintenance, I suppose most brains can only acquire so many new routines at once, and eventually I can get to those. But for now I'm feeling good, and that's the important part, right?

Looking Forward

Another day, another festival goodie. Today was the curly fries with cheese, which I must say was much cheaper and more satisfying than yesterday's soup in a bread bowl. I was so hungry by 4 p.m. that I had to eat my half bagel sandwich, despite my fruit snack mid-afternoon. But instead of going berserk after that I ate my planned dinner and evening snack, and I got back to the gym this morning.

I don't know if I'll go to the gym tomorrow; I got my four days in and it is kind of hard juggling Mabel around in the morning before I head over to the festival. So I might just do my treadmill at home in the morning. I hate the thought of sitting on my butt all day in the kids' building and eating my goodie (which will either be the fried veggies or the apple dumpling) and then facing a very binge prone weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm going to wait an extra week to weight myself after this because there's no point getting myself disappointed with something out of my control.

I mean, I will control my urges to binge and overeat as much as possible, but at the same time, I'm not going to make a scene and not eat what the others are eating, even if it isn't the healthiest choice. A lot of this project is eating "normally," and part of that is being able to eat a variety of foods, "good" and "bad," without going bananas.

To kill time today I was filling out my meal planner notebook and took it to July so far. I suppose the question is, how long do I monitor my meals? Until I reach my goal weight; indefinitely? I do think I'm always going to have to be very conscious about what and why I'm eating, because I am so prone to falling back into old habits. But something tells me I won't always have to record every bite I eat forever. Eventually these new habits should become second nature. I hope so. I hope I can make lasting improvements that I'll be able to maintain the rest of my life.