Against All Odds

Yesterday afternoon I was reading the newspaper and found this article on diets failing in the long run (this is the same AP article but on Yahoo, which Lori referred to on her blog today).

There's nothing in this article that was news to me. Diets are hard to stick to; they can be boring and depriving and it's hard to break old habits. The odds are that most people will quit and regain the weight they lost, if not more. According to this article, "between one-third and two-thirds gained back the weight they lost. A small number were able to successfully maintain their weight loss."

Right now I'm part of the odds-breakers, that small number who has been able to maintain the majority of my weight loss. (For example, I've regained 4 pounds, but held up against a 120-pound loss, it's minimal.)

I say right now because I know this is a tenuous condition; I have no delusions that at any time I could (and can) lose my focus and fall into the pit of overeating. I know that in order to maintain this loss, I am going to have to be vigilant the rest of my life.

This article could really be discouraging for some people who are just starting out trying to lose weight. I know if I was 338 today and reading this article, I'd say, "Oh, forget it. I'll never beat those odds. Why bother?"

However, the one good thing about the article comes at the very end:
"Dr. Samuel Klein, an obesity expert at Washington University in St. Louis, said a diet's success shouldn't just be measured in pounds. If a person becomes healthier even if the weight loss is temporary, that should be deemed a success. 'There might be benefits in losing weight for a period of time even if you regain it than not having lost the weight at all,' Klein said. "

This made me think more about what I've been pondering lately; if my goal to reach 199 or 180 is an arbitrary thing and I should focus more on being healthy: eating nutritionally-dense foods in sensible portions and keeping up regular exercise.

In a way this article takes me off the hook, so to speak. It's telling me that it isn't realistic to think I'll ever be thin, so just try to be healthy. But do I really want permission to quit trying? It's like the parent telling their child, "Why set yourself up for disappointment? There's no way you're going to [insert goal/dream here], so why not aim a little lower?"

My daughter wants to join a competitive gymnastics team. If I told her the odds where she won't win first prize and would probably fail miserably, how would she feel? Not good, I don't think. I doubt she'd even want to join the team any more. Don't most parents try to encourage their children, tell them that if they do their very best, even if they don't win first prize, their effort and hard work will pay off later in life?

I may never be thin and have a BMI of 23, but I have dropped my BMI by 20 points. I've improved my health and fitness and have learned so much about nutrition, exercise and coping skills to deal with stress, anger and sadness. If I had read this article in 2004, would I have bothered to make the efforts I have and gained the accomplishments I've collected? I'm thinking maybe not.

This morning I walked 5k (3.2 miles), drank my green tea, took my flax seed oil gel cap and multivitamin and ate my whole grain waffles with strawberries. This afternoon I'll eat my salad, do my Pilates and clean my house. I don't know if these things will get me to Onederful Land, but I'm going to keep doing it anyway. What do I have to lose? That's the big question...

Encourage or Discourage?

I'm so disgusted -- after all the nice weather we had at the beginning of the week, now we're getting pummeled with a Northeaster that will dump 8-12 inches of snow on us in the next 24 hours. Aargh!

It shouldn't be a surprise, because this is typical March weather in my neck of the woods. It's still discouraging after basking in balmy temperatures just a few days ago. But it is encouraging to think that next week is the first official day of Spring. It won't be long now!

I didn't exercise this morning; Mabel woke up at 5:30 and had me distracted and off my routine. But I have a feeling I'll be getting plenty of cardio doing some snow shoveling later today.

Also discouraging was my weight this morning. Things are not looking good for tomorrow's post, but like I said yesterday, I still need to stick to the plan and do the best I can. Yesterday went well, and Hubby made an excellent supper. He grilled strips of eggplant, then made them into a roll filled with a cheese mixture of ricotta, Parmesan and mozzarella, sauteed onion, mushroom and chopped asparagus, all covered in homemade tomato sauce. He even made two batches -- mine with fat free ricotta and mozzarella. Despite my occasional gripes, I know he's a keeper!

After a long weather-induced break, I finally got back in to see my therapist Dr. K. She immediately told me she thought I looked thinner, and I relayed a good bit of what I tell you here. One interesting thing happened: a mother she knows has a daughter (early 20s) who has gained a lot of weight over the past five years, and she is looking for something to motivate her to address it. Dr. K. asked me about the book I had mentioned that inspired me (Frances Kuffel's "Passing For Thin"), and I also told her about the AFG web site.

However, while I offered this information I felt weird about it. While I am eager to help others, the thing is, I don't know if this young lady wants help. Her mother definitely wants her to lose weight, but does the daughter? This is such a touchy subject, and I know because I've been there. While I didn't have a lot of people offering to help me and refer me to books, resources, etc., when I was 300+ pounds, would I have even accepted it? Or would I have been hurt, defensive and rejected all of it?

Like I told Dr. K. yesterday, while I could sit here and regret that I spent my entire 20s in the 300 pound range, I really don't think I was ready at that point to let go of the weight. It took a lot of time, a lot of growing up and therapy to get me to the point where I could address it. I could mourn the "lost" years that I wasn't dating, but what if I had lost a ton of weight and wound up in a horrible abusive relationship? Or I could have shed the weight and taken up another addiction like alcohol or other drugs to take the place of food.

This girl, whoever she is, has her own personal journey going on, and for the time being the food and the fat is serving a purpose. Until she's ready to let go of that or at least start looking for an alternative, I don't know if any book titles or blogs are going to help. While it would be great if my suggestions helped her, I sure hope my "interfering" doesn't backfire and cause more harm than good.

Not sure about my weekend plans since the weather is bad. We were going to take my mother on a trip to Pittsburgh tomorrow as an early birthday present. But now we'll have to wait and see if the worst of the snowfall is over and how the roads are. Hubby loves to drive in the snow and isn't afraid of it, but I hesitate to get on the Pennsylvania Turnpike in bad weather because you never know what an out-of-state driver will do on unfamiliar roads. Our route of the turnpike is especially curvy and treacherous, and it's the site of many nasty accidents. So we'll see. As for Sunday, it would be nice if our Wednesday night dinner with the in-laws would excuse us from going out again with them this week, but it's doubtful. This family loves to eat out, multiple times a day if possible.

Well, I'm going to wrap things up here and get to work, because I have a feeling Mabel will have an early dismissal from school today. I'll see you tomorrow with the official weigh-in.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

OK, the grand experiment has begun.

Check my archives for 2004. I've started entering my handwritten journal entries, and in the comment section I've added my two cents' worth as an older, wiser and much smaller self!

I hope you enjoy it. If not, write and complain!

In the Beginning

I don't know what I should call this -- a wake-up call, hitting bottom, reaching and epiphany -- but I've hit a wall and realize I need to make changes in my life, in the way I do things and the way I think.

This past year has already seen a lot of change -- last March [2003] the stress and events finally came to a head at the newspaper, and I decided it was time to go. Although I miss writing the column, I have no other regrets -- except, of course, not being as close to A*. Although that was definitely a friendship under fire -- we bonded due to the circumstances we were forced into together. While I could hold a lot of anger and resentment towards Y* and Z*, it's not worth my energy. Besides, I'm so glad to be away from it! And I wouldn't have left if their toxic, unacceptable behavior didn't force the issue. [* I removed the names for obvious reasons.]

As fate would have it, I've forged out a new career -- with my mom, I've opened the bed and breakfast, which incorporates so many of my talents and interests -- decorating, cooking, website building, entertaining and tourism.

There are so many benefits to this job -- a flexible schedule, free time for Mabel, monumentally less stress and aggravation. However, without the pressing deadlines and demanding schedule, it's been harder for me to keep disciplined, and this winter I've fallen into the age-old problem of depression -- and overeating.

Now, in the past 18 months I started going to the gym regularly, first in M* and then in B*. For a year I kept it up religiously, and for the past six months it's been sporadic, but still regular. And I did manage to lose 30-40 pounds because of it. But this winter, mainly due to a knee injury and these old patterns, some of the weight has crept back on.

While this has been discouraging, a more important revelation has become more and more apparent. Over the past year I've had this reoccurring but very new thought: "I wish I didn't have to eat anymore," or "I wish I didn't have to think about food." And lately, more and more, I've come to realize that my addiction to food to medicate and comfort me is as real and damaging and out of control as any addiction to drugs or alcohol could be for others.

This is a pretty major revelation for me -- something I've never been quite able to admit. But now, whether it's due to age, increased self-awareness or an end of denial, I've come to accept the fact that there is a problem there, mainly a self-inflicted one, and the only way it's going to change is if I begin changing the way I cope with my feelings and changing behaviors that lead me to overeating and binging.

In some of my weakest moments I've considered -- but only for a few seconds -- gastric bypass surgery. But having myself butchered and putting myself at risk for deadly complications isn't going to fix the real problems; it's my brain that needs to be bypassed, not my stomach!

This has very little to do with fitting in a size 12 or meeting an imposed standard of attractiveness. I am tired of being controlled by food and feeling helpless against it.

Part of me is terrified by all of this; I'm an intelligent person -- now that I've come to this realization, how can I not try to do something about it?