A Weekend of Progress

Well, the weekend could have gotten better, but it could have gone a whole lot worse, too.

Sunday went fairly well: I stuck to my game plan of packing up desserts to eat later, and I left the reunion feeling good -- not overstuffed with food. I overate some later that night, but I knew by enacting my plan I kept the overall intake of food for the day a lot less than other years.

Monday wasn't so good. As I feared, I fell into the overeating habit that is so common at our get-togethers. I compare it to being at a bar with a bunch of friends who are all drinking beer and having a great time. Without really thinking about it you fall into their pace of drinking (eating), and before you know it you're drunk (stuffed). But I'm not beating myself up about this; I overate a lot, but I didn't wake up that morning with any urges to binge, and I didn't feel any underlying feelings behind it -- stress, anger, anxiety, etc. It was more recreational than emotional.

This morning I tried really hard to look closer at it to see if there were ANY other causes to this overeating. All I could come up with was being tired from a long, hectic weekend, and that tiredness affected my strength to keep up my IE principles. I worked hard at being mindful Friday, Saturday and Sunday despite so many difficult situations, and by Monday I guess I was worn out and wasn't able to maintain it.

I did do something I was proud of. I broached the subject of including more non-food activities into our get-togethers, and it was received in a positive way. My father in law even dug out his volleyball/badminton set, and a few of us, including my daughter and I, played badminton for a while. I plan to keep encouraging this, and hopefully by the end of the summer we'll spend less time at the food trough and more time doing fun things. And even if I can't get everybody away from their plates, if I can at least pry myself away and give my daughter more memories than her mom stuffing herself at every picnic, then I'll have accomplished my goals.

While I'm trying not to feel guilty about yesterday's eating, I did wake up bloated and with an upset stomach. I haven't eaten breakfast yet, but not because I think I need to fast or diet to compensate for yesterday. I wasn't hungry at all, so I decided to honor that and wait until my body tells me it needs to eat again. There's no point in eating breakfast if I'm not hungry, right? I brought some food along to work in case that happens, so I won't be forced to chew on something that isn't appealing.

So, in retrospect, while I wasn't able to follow the IE principles on Monday, I'm pleased that the majority of the weekend did go well, which means there is progress. On Sunday I wore my smallest pair of shorts (a "regular" -- not plus -- size 16!) and they fit, so while I still haven't been weighing, I could tell by the fit of my clothes that I'm staying pretty stable with my weight, whatever that is right now! I'm not sure those shorts would fit this morning, but I know that this bloat will dissipate in the next few days as I return to eating normally and exercising regularly.

I hope everyone else's holiday weekend went well. I have to admit I'm glad it's over, however!

Surviving the Red Monster

The first time I ever took Mabel to Red Lobster, she was about three or four years old. We were taking a friend of mine out to dinner for her birthday, and as we drove into the parking lot Mabel asked, "Why are we going to a red monster?"

The name has forever stuck with me, and I have passed the usage of "Red Monster" on to my husband and several friends. This is where we went last night for my FIL's birthday dinner, and I must say it is now one of Mabel's favorite restaurants, as she has a particular addiction to crab legs.

It was an interesting discussion as we looked over the menu. Several people debated about ordering just an appetizer for their meal, and I was one of them. But on the way to Red Monster I knew what I was craving, so I went with it -- the shrimp and lobster linguine Alfredo. I saw that they had a half-portion available, so I went with that. My SIL also ordered the Alfredo with her meal.

After we all ordered a discussion went around the table about Alfredo sauce. My BIL normally doesn't like it, except when my husband makes it. Then my dear husband and his mother got into a big discussion about how bad it is for you, blah de blah. I just smiled to myself, feeling the diet mentality arrows coming at me, but they bounced right off as I told myself I was honoring my hunger and doing the right thing by not demonizing certain foods.

These "health-conscious" people ordered the cheesy seafood fondue bread bowl appetizer, and they passed it around for everyone to try. I took two small pieces and refused any more as the "pushers" at the table tried to force one of us to finish it off. Then our salads and rolls came, and I ate all of my salad and one roll.

By the time our entrees arrived I felt pretty satisfied. So when they put my plate down I didn't even touch it and went to work cracking and opening Mabel's crab legs for her. SIL commented half way through that I hadn't touched my meal yet, and I admitted that I wasn't that hungry and if need be I'd get it packed up to take home. When the crab leg cracking was done I finally addressed the pasta. I wound up eating less than a quarter of it and knew I had had enough. So I put my fork down and pushed the plate away from me, and when the waitress came I asked for a container to take it home.

Since it was FIL's birthday, he ordered dessert, and he passed it around for everyone to try. I took one bite, and it was to die for, but I quickly passed it on and took my time savoring the flavors as they lingered in my mouth. And I wasn't filled with envy or regret that I hadn't ordered my own. I do remember thinking, though, that the next time I return I may just order a salad and save room for the dessert!

When I got home later than evening I did wind up eating two pieces of fudge instead of one, but it was by no means a binge, and it didn't feel like one, either. I ended the night really pleased with myself that I ate what I wanted (both selection and quantity) and didn't feel remorseful or worried about it.

I will admit I'm a little bloated this morning (Red Monster's food is so salty!), but I know it could have been so much worse if I had ignored my body's fullness signals and gone overboard.

Now that I've survived the Red Monster, now I'm off to my family reunion. I'm going to employ a technique I used at a previous family dinner that worked well for me. I'll go around the food table once, getting my meal items, and eat until I'm satisfied. Then, when it's time to make the rounds for dessert, I may keep one item out to eat right then and pack the rest away for later. The last time I did this I ate my Thanksgiving meal with my family, then that evening I had my desserts for my evening meal. So instead of eating it all that afternoon and then eating even more that evening and feeling miserable that night, I spread the afternoon food out for the whole day and I felt so good, not only physically, but mentally, too.

That way I still get exactly what I want -- removing deprivation -- but eating it when I'm actually hungry -- following the IE principles.

Now if I can just master this two days in a row when my picnic comes around on Monday. It's always harder when you're the one stuck with a house full of picnic leftovers. But I have to say, knowing that I don't have to "get back on track" with restricting calories on Tuesday, the pressure to "eat it all now!" really isn't there. So if I have a bunch of brownies or chips or whatever it may be left over, I don't have to gobble them all up Monday night since they won't be Forbidden Food on Tuesday.

I just looked at the clock and it's definitely time for me to get ready for my day. I'll let you know how it goes.

A New Game Plan

After posting yesterday's rant I felt like I may have exaggerated a bit. I do have some other emotions other than anger and exhaustion. I guess it just seems like those two have been in the forefront lately. Last night, for example. I wanted to chill out and relax, but my relax time was spent doing laundry, then I realized that Mabel hadn't done her homework because I didn't remind her. She then went through her Helpless Eight Year Old routine of "I can't find a pencil and now the only one I can find isn't sharpened and I have some irrational fear of going upstairs by myself so I can't go to the den and use the sharpener."

This sent me off the deep end. While I don't think I scarred her for life, I went on this tear through the house, my irritation spilling into the piles of clutter on every flat surface of the house. While I will accept my one-third responsibility for putting it there, I find myself resenting the 100 percent responsibility for cleaning it. This isn't a good feeling to have -- resentment eats at you like a cancer, spreading and killing off the healthy, positive feelings you have about yourself and others.

I tried to explain this to Hubby last night as I collapsed into bed, and tried to do it in a way that wouldn't offend him. Because it would have been easy to say "I'm tired of keeping after you and Mabel like you're both three years old!" I tried to explain the pressure I feel, the feeling that everything I do is half-assed because there never seems to be enough time to do one job thoroughly.

Hubby responded that he thinks I do a wonderful job as a wife and mother, and that he doesn't consider anything I do half-assed. That was nice, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But that's partially my fault. I should have said to him, "I need more help around the house, and I'm not just talking about our daughter. I need you to take on a couple chores and I don't want to ask you every time it needs to be done."

The thing is, Hubby is very open about not being a good housekeeper, and the fact is he doesn't view it as a priority and doesn't really pay attention to things like dust and clutter and clothes on the floor. He has told me numerous times that I need to tell him when to do things around the house. But sometimes I don't want to have to be the responsible one all the time; I want someone else to notice the garbage can is overflowing and take the bag out without me having to mention it. I want someone else to look at the skyscraper pile of hunting and fishing magazines teetering precariously on the coffee table and purge them without me having to bring it up. I want someone else to pick up the children's and men's socks off the floor and take their glasses and dishes into the kitchen. Better yet, put those glasses and dishes in the dishwasher instead of piling them in the kitchen sink!

Okay, enough housewife griping. But lately it's just gotten to me and is in the forefront of my mind. FlyLady talks a lot about getting rid of resentment when it comes to cleaning the house and taking care of one's family. I may need to revisit her sight and reacquaint myself to her advice and wise words.

I continue to knock off more bloat from my Easter blow-out. But it will still be a while until I'm back in the groove and zeroing in on 200-199. But that's okay. Really.

For example, last night we went out for dinner and I found myself automatically ordering a healthier meal and the smaller portion the restaurant offered. But I also heartily ate the two little rolls that came with the meal and even put a little butter on them. And I found myself quite content. I wasn't wracking my brain trying to figure out the calorie count of everything, and I wasn't fretting over eating white flour and half a pat of butter. I just ate, knowing that overall I had made decent choices, didn't stuff myself and enjoyed my food. It was a good feeling.

I know the time is approaching for a weekly weigh in, but I'm doing something different this time. On Sunday I'm going to view my week from Monday-Sunday and lay out how I did. So far, other than Monday I've been doing great. No compulsive eating, no binge eating, and an hour of exercise a day. Lots of vegetables, small portions of meat and grains, and snacks that are portioned out and controlled. Yet I've pretty much eaten whatever I wanted when I wanted it.

So here's the new game plan: since I haven't deprived myself all week, I'm going to carry this same method to my weekend. I have no excuse to pig out because I can have whatever I want, as long as I take a specific amount and not make it a free-for-all. This is new territory, trying to eat intuitively, and it may take me a while to get the hang of it.

But I need this right now. I need to take some of the pressure off of myself somewhere in my life, and this seems like a way to do it that won't cause me or my loved ones any harm. The weight may not fly off, but it won't fly up, either. And it's a real taste of what life could be like once I reach maintenance; a feeling of control and contentment that keeps me healthy and sane.

The Week 26 Weigh In

Alternate post titles for today could have been
Truth and Consequences
or
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The truth is, I am up 1.5 pounds, back up to 206. I have to admit this bums me out a bit. I do know that last week I was taking a lot of decongestants to dry up a cold, and they tend to dehydrate me, which may have contributed to the 2-pound loss last week. So 206 is probably a more accurate -- true-- reading this week.

But let's face some other truths, and their consequences -- I slipped up last Friday with the seafood buffet, and although I did my best to limit my eating on Saturday, Sunday was pretty wild with the festival food. Add to that a lot of stress and lack of sleep this past week with Les Poopies, and despite the healthy eating and exercising Monday - Thursday, it didn't make up for it. In addition, I'm weighing in a day early because we're going to the last Lenten dinner of the year tonight. So I am also paying the consequences for that.

Vickie also brought up another very good point. While I'm doing lots of cardio, I haven't been able to keep up a steady routine of toning. I'll do good for a week then not do it all for two weeks. I know this would probably make a big difference, not only with increasing muscle tone and burning calories more efficiently, but also with my appearance.

The question is how I fit this into my daily schedule. I don't really want to decrease my cardio -- in fact, I need that hour so I can work on my 5 or 10K coming up in June. That means finding another 30-60 minutes a day to tone. I either need to commit to the Pilates, which I could really feel the effects of when I did do it, or join a gym and use the weights. Or, I can do a combination of the two for maximum variety and results.

The problem is carving the time out of my day. Afternoons make sense, because generally I have time then, but there are some weeks that every single day has some kind of afternoon errand -- doctor appointments for me or Mabel, mainly. Evenings are nearly impossible because of the time taken up with homework, piano, Brownies, dinner, bath and bed time routines. And now, of course, I've got the puppies who need lots of human interaction, not to mention taking them outside to go potty about every two hours.

It really comes down to making the effort and not making excuses. There's another good alternate title -- Making the Effort, Not Excuses. This Fitness Challenge is the perfect opportunity to establish this new routine. I've got an outside motivator (the amount of time I do it gives our team more points), and the tally sheets give me a means of documenting and staying accountable.

Even if it's only 20- 30 minutes three times a week, doing it regularly will make a difference. The hardest part is training myself to adopt the new habit. I managed to establish the other healthy habits -- mindful eating, nearly daily cardio -- so I know I can do it.

Another cold hard truth: back in the early days of the weight loss a big part of my success was the fact that I was at the gym 90 minutes a day five days a week. And a good portion of that time was spent doing toning and weights. Now granted, I was losing a lot of weight at that time because I had a lot to lose. But I think I would have better results now if I devoted more time to it.

Of course, at that time period I was only working very sporadically at the B&B, mainly weekends; Mabel was little and not in school and she wasn't involved in Brownies, piano and running to allergy shots and orthodontist appointments; and I wasn't married to a husband whose family was born to run -- and eat! I had a LOT more free time in my day to spend at the gym! So I've got my work cut out for me.

The big pressing issue right now is today. The combination of the disappointing weigh in this morning and knowing I'm eating out tonight is really making the Fat Girl voice in my head sing a chorus of "What the hell, eat crazy all day!" But I'm putting up the good fight. I've stuck to my healthy breakfast and mid-morning snack, and my healthy lunch is in my fridge at home ready to reheat. After that, well, I can't give you or myself any promises that this evening won't fall into gluttony. But if I can limit it to half a day instead of a whole day, that's success in my book.

I have one more festival day on Sunday, and I know it will be near impossible to resist the treats there. But I have nothing planned for Saturday; Hubby's taking his parents to the airport for their week-long trip to Las Vegas, and I'm staying home with the puppies. So I am bound and determined to make Saturday a healthy day, because I really shouldn't have any outside temptations, and anything else is an excuse and a cop-out.

So, now that I've put it here for all to see, I better stick to it, huh? Thank you and this blog for keeping me honest and accountable. I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how it's going!

Get Over It Day

Yesterday's lunch was fun. I love getting together with this bunch: my mother, her two sisters, their cousin, and my first cousin, who is nine months older than me and was one of my closest friends growing up. So you've got four women in their 60s and two in their mid 30s, which is an interesting dynamic. It's great to get their perspective on life, kids, marriage, and we discuss almost every subject under the sun. These lunches often run three hours long because we're so busy chatting, sharing photos, planning holiday get-togethers. Plus we only do it about once every month or two, so we always have lots to catch up on.

Unfortunately, I'm not pleased with the changes at the restaurant we usually go to. I think their ordering options have actually decreased, especially if you're looking for "healthy" choices. Finding something to eat also got tougher for my cousin, who has been a vegetarian since the 1980s. In addition, they remodeled and gave up seating space for a lunch buffet (fried chicken, pasta, etc.), so we lost our big table in the back of the restaurant where we could hide out and talk the afternoon away. Now we're stuck right in the middle of the restaurant with everyone trying to squeeze past us. I have a feeling we may be looking for a new place to gather.

I wound up getting a side salad (my low-cal dressing came in handy because their dressing choices were poor), and a side of baked beans for my lunch. For dessert my aunts always order ice cream (it's been a soft serve ice cream place for as long as I can remember), so I ordered a baby size vanilla cone. Not the most exciting meal, but it was satisfying enough.

Supper was very light (baked fish and roasted asparagus) and within half an hour I was hungry. I forced myself to wait another half hour before I had my evening snack, then ate one of my high fiber snack bars, and that did the trick. I just don't know how people can do the low carb diets. Granted, they're eating all the bacon, cheese and nuts they want. But I just don't think I could go without my carbohydrates. I've definitely reduced the number I consume during the week and have make them high quality ones (whole grains, high fiber, etc.), but I don't think I could go cold turkey. Nor do I think it's very healthy to do so. But that's my opinion.

Yet another weekend is approaching. Talking about carbs, I've got "Pasta Night" coming up Saturday and know that will be a blowout. Sunday will be yet another meal out with the in-laws, which I actually made a game plan for with Hubby this morning as we got ready for work. Why, you may ask? Because I'm getting to dodge a bullet tonight and don't have to go to the high school musical at Hubby's school. I went last year, and while it was okay, it was such a long night (we didn't get home until 11 p.m.), I don't like being crammed into a packed auditorium for hours, and I don't know any of the kids in the production (they're Hubby's students who I've never met). Plus last year we took the in-laws and had to go out for dinner with them, too, which added even more hours to the evening.

I know I sound like a party pooper and an ungrateful wife and daughter-in-law. But I have to draw some lines somewhere. We see each other and eat out together so often (meals once or twice a week, plus visits), it's not like I'm missing out on some rare opportunity to be with them. Plus, I admit I'm a bit claustrophobic, and I get uncomfortable in that sardine situation those high school auditoriums produce. It's not only the sitting on top of each other in those rows of seats, it's getting crushed in the throngs of people getting to and leaving the seats.

I'm glad Hubby's giving me this one, because it's only fair. I don't give him grief about not coming to church with me. This past week I gave him a bye and took Mabel to an evening school event without him. My thinking is, if he doesn't want to go, and as long as it's not an important event (mainly something Mabel's performing in), I'm all right with it. I don't give him guilt trips about it.

Mabel may give me grief, however. She likes to pull the "I want to have Mom and Daughter time" guilt trip on me. But I know the truth: it's just Mom & Mabel every morning (Hubby leaves early for work), and Daddy isn't involved in the bath and bedtime routine. I'm the one who takes her to lessons, doctor appointments and the like. And sometimes after dance class on Saturdays we have a Mom & Daughter lunch (which is usually Chinese because Mabel loves it and it makes Daddy sick). And in the evenings when Mabel wants to cuddle it's rare that she's not curled up on my lap. We're even planning some more Mom & Mabel trips for this summer. So I won't let her try to sway me.

What will I do? Oh, something crazy like read a book (such a huge indulgence for me now!) or rent a girly and/or artsy movie my husband and daughter would turn their noses up to. And no, I'm not looking for an opportunity to sneak in a binge; I'm determined to stick to my Monday-Friday rule, even if it's just for the principle of the thing. Although I may have to switch this to a Sunday-Thursday week here soon so I can go to one of our local Lenten fish frys. But that's another post.

Feeling confident about tomorrow's weigh-in. Not sure if it will be a loss, but I expect it to be within a few pounds. At this point, with the illness and everything, I'm happy to be maintaining. Now that I'm near the end of the antibiotics and I'm beginning to feel rested and energetic again I'm getting geared up to get back to the regular exercise. I have a 5 or 10K (haven't decided which yet) walk to train for in June, so I want to be in top form.

Oh! I almost forgot! Today, March 9, is Get Over It Day. According to the site, "Everyone, at one time or another, has needed a little help or encouragement to let go of something, to forget about something, and to just get over it! Well, we've created a new holiday. The exact midpoint between Valentine's Day and April Fool's Day, March 9th, shall forever be known as Get Over It Day, an inspirational annual holiday to encourage people to get over whatever is holding them back." They even have a fire pit page where you can type in what you want to get over and throw it in the fire! Very cute.

I plan to get over my guilt about not going to the musical tonight. What would you like to get over?

The Andrea Diet Plan

I think Hubby's giving up on his diet, or at least close. He complained to me yesterday that he's gained back almost all the weight he lost. And the day before he made a statement that was basically "I'm just going to be fat and die when I'm 50."

My reaction to this was to lightly joke, "What, are you so eager to leave me?"

His response? "That way you'll get rid of me quicker."

I know some of this negative attitude has to do with his injury and being in a lot of pain. But the last two weeks he has definitely been "cheating" on his food plan. The fact of the matter is, he loves food, and without finding something to replace that need to eat chips and brownies and cookies, he's going to keep coming back to it.

I've tried to be supportive, but mostly I'm working hard to not get sucked in to his cheating. On his first day home with his injury, I came home to find him making deep fried macaroni and cheese balls. I wasn't feeling well, and the thought of that crunchy, cheesy ball of sin was so tempting. I did wind up eating the littlest one, but I stopped there and went on with my healthy dinner and no evening snack.

I'm so torn about him giving up on this diet. Part of me wants him to succeed, mostly for his health -- I worry about heart attacks and diabetes because he has a family history for both. But there's part of me that would almost be relieved if he quit; he's clearly miserable trying to stick to his low-carb food plan and it's difficult to watch.

Once he mentioned trying my method, but he's never brought it up since. Coincidentally, I emailed one of my friends who attended my Tet party over the weekend and mentioned to her that my sister-in-law and I both noticed that she and her husband looked noticeably leaner. Her reply:

"I’ve adopted the 'Andrea Diet Plan,' which, as you have demonstrated, works wonderfully! We’re just basically trying to step up the exercise a bit and slow down on the eating. The holidays, of course, were bad for us when it comes to stuffing our faces, as I suppose they are for everyone...We’ve been hitting the gym about 10 minutes earlier each morning; I’ve started a bit of weight training again; and we’re of course doing the 'yoga thing,' too. We are certainly not on any kind of strict diet or anything, but we’re trying to watch ourselves. I’ve been doing pretty well on the whole 'no snacking' rule. So, we’ll see. "

Here I am fighting the need to bash myself because I don't think I'm doing well, and here is a friend who thinks my plan "works wonderfully!" Just the kind of morale booster I needed.

Now if I can only get Hubby to try a different approach. But he's not fond of psychology and therapy, so I don't know if he'd be able to really analyze himself and get to the root causes of his eating. I'm convinced tackling the mental/emotional aspect is half the battle, but not everyone is comfortable delving into that. But I think once you do that, the food and exercise fall into place much more easily.

Post Vacation Report

While I got down to 252 on my birthday, you do not want to know what the scale says today! However, most of that is water retention and should quickly dissipate.

But this was my vacation week, with lots of oh so tempting foods around me. I actually did really well the first part of the week and really only crumbled after Miller's Smorgasbord in Lancaster, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. I'll just pick myself up, dust myself off and get back into my routine.

My only headache this weekend is not one but two family reunions with big covered dish meals, in addition to our neighbor girl's birthday party. While I could easily say "oh, just pig out until Monday," I realize more and more how badly I feel when I do that. I am just going to limit myself to small portions, work hard to not over stuff myself, and just be in the moment instead of worrying about calories and goals.

I Went Down to the Crossroads

I feel almost ashamed to put another day on my total. I did so badly today, with no other excuse than to say I want to stuff myself, so I did. Again, Thursday and Friday I did fine, although I didn't get to the gym Friday because a) I had to cook breakfast at the B&B and b) Mabel was sick the night before and I got no sleep, so I was also very tired.

I can't keep doing this "two days good/one day bad" routine. I can feel it derailing my momentum, not only on the weight loss aspect but mentally, too. I guess I've finally reached my first real crossroads in this journey -- 115 days and 53 pounds later! It would devastate me to give up now that the going's getting a little tougher, not after all that I've accomplished. Analyzing the situation, I know that there are two major things contributing to it -- the plethora of events/temptations bombarding me these past few weeks, and an increase in stress in my life. The picnics, parties and other food related gatherings are so hard to turn away from. Business has picked up at the B&B, and I'm semi-flitootzed (Pa. Dutch slang there) about lingering problems from my last job and waiting to hear about the new one.

I am very concerned that stress, even the small amounts I've encountered recently, have been making my determination to stick to this plan falter so. It's apparent that I still haven't been able to master my stress, and clearly food is still the main drug of choice to medicate myself for it.

Here's what I think I need to do, starting tomorrow: 1. Get back to my routine as soon as possible. 2. Make a real effort to start incorporating yoga back into my day. 3. Crack open my meditation book and work self-reflection time into my day. 4. Crack open the books that helped to inspire me early on in this journey.

It's time to get serious about this and not fall back into my dysfunctional ways. I am bound and determined not to fail. Irregardless of the weight loss, I have to stop letting stress get the best of me and quit letting food be the answer.

You're My Obsession

Man, what a hard week it's been! For some reason it's been really hard to fight the urges to binge, and although I thought I did really well last night when I went to the pizza place with JB, I've just felt all week like I'm faltering, and a lot of that is because the scale hasn't dropped at all.

I think one reason this week hasn't gone well for me mentally was because it's been a hectic one, and although it hasn't been extremely stressful, it's still more than I've had lately, and it's really clear that without my unchecked eating to comfort me, I'm definitely feeling the strain.

I may also be hitting my first real plateau, and it may be time to kick up the exercise another notch, because I don't really want to decrease my current food intake any more than I am right now. My average day falls between 1300-1500 calories, which is just enough to keep me from feeling really deprived. And I should not be having a major anxiety attack over eating four bites of Mabel's soft pretzel at the school musical tonight! This is ridiculous, and I really think I'm getting way too obsessive about all of this. It's unrealistic to think I'm going to keep losing weight as fast as I was, and I'm getting perilously close to the old feelings of "poor me" and that this is all a punishment. Clearly this is a major crossroads time for me, and what happens in the next few days -- which contain several temptations -- will determine if I can continue into the long term.

And I think part of that long term and its success is taking some of the pressure off of me. I think the first step is to stop weighing myself so often. I've been doing it daily, and it's definitely controlling my mood, usually in a bad way. I need to literally hide the damn scale in a closet and out of sight so I quit judging myself by what it says. I also think I need to forbid myself to calculate calorie totals in my head, because I'm getting way too worked up over my daily totals and if I'm over or under. I know what healthy foods and portion sizes are, and I need to focus on that instead of numbers and forbidding "bad" foods.

While these steps will probably wind up slowing down my weight loss, I have to realize that it's the only way it's going to actually happen. Better that it take two years than never.

The new plan is to focus more on the exercise -- commit to more walking yoga and even swimming. I also need to quit obsessing about this, because in the meantime my housework and B&B chores are suffering. So I need to buckle down with FlyLady and try to re-establish my missions and weekly home blessings.

The sad thing is, I want to get to a lower weight on the scale before I take a "break" and not use it daily. Is that pathetic or what? Maybe tomorrow I'll get lucky, but what if I don't? I wish I could find better ways of validating myself and measuring my success.

Maple Fest -- Day One

Well, I survived the first day of the festival. While I did eat differently than I would have in my normal routine, that was just the point -- I was out of my normal routine and still managed to eat pretty healthy and not compulsively.

I did eat a couple crackers (and a pretzel) sampling some dips at one of the stands, but that's far from overeating. I bought one goodie -- a burnt sugar gob [for those of you wondering what the heck that is, they're also called whoopie pies: two round pieces of cake with icing in the middle; the burnt sugar thing deals with caramelizing the sugar in the batter and the icing] and saved it until I got home. Probably the biggest divergence from my plan was eating the remainder of Mabel's nachos with cheese -- there were only about 10 chips left, I'm guessing. So I ate those and the gob when I got home and decided that was my supper and dessert, and it was enough.

For the first time ever, I wasn't driven to go out and buy every deep fried, breaded, fat-laden thing I could find. While things looked tasty, nothing was so tempting as to be calling my name and beckoning me to gulp it all down. It was really quite strange and truly liberating for me. Could I really be breaking free from the addiction of food? Granted, I sort of "treated" myself when I packed a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, but that pales in comparison to what a day at the festival was last year. What I ate in one day last year is what I plan on spreading throughout the whole week this year, rather than all of it on a daily basis!

I watched a show on Discovery Health about Ann Wilson from Heart, who had the lap band surgery, and the whole thing gave me a bad vibe. Am I kidding myself that I can change my life on my own, when you see these people who could only do it when forced to by surgery? They showed her and her lifestyle now -- exercising five days a week, eating healthy foods -- which is what I'm doing now -- and I think, "couldn't this rich and famous rock star figure this out before subjecting herself to the knife?"

Maybe addiction's like that: for some people you have to force the issue -- whether it be the Betty Ford Center or bariatric surgery -- to finally break free of it. I guess my question is, am I strong enough to do this without such drastic measures? Will I be able to make permanent changes in how I think about and eat food that will enable me to get to a "reasonable" weight and maintain it?

I'm very anxious and impatient to see the scale move down again, but somehow I doubt I'll lose much (if any) during the festival, since I'm allowing myself my daily "goodie" (rather than calling it "bad" food). But for heaven's sake, I've lost so much so fast already, and isn't it better to get me through this immense trigger week by teaching myself to think and eat sanely -- eating small portions of trigger foods without prompting an enormous overeating session? If I can make that happen, that's real progress -- not on the scale, but for my emotional well being. And that's what's going to make this thing work; changing my brain, not necessarily the size on my clothing tags.

First Month Total

I wanted to weigh myself today because #1 it is the end of the first month, and #2 I wanted a last minute update to give Dr. K. at our therapy session today. And the total is 22 pounds in one month!

We spent most of the hour talking about this "project," "lifestyle change," and she seems to be very supportive of how I'm doing it.

I have to admit I'm a little excited that I'm past the stalling point of 290, even by just such a little bit, because it's one more hurdle gone. Once I get down to 270, that'll be the lowest I've been in well over 10 years -- more like 14!

And yesterday I even managed to get through a lunch out with my aunts, cousin, Mom and Mabel. I got a cup of chili, a grilled chicken salad, then shared a hot fudge sundae with Mabel. I could only eat half the salad, and I was quite content eating Mabel's leftovers -- heck, she only ever eats a couple bites of dessert -- ever. For supper I finished the salad and topped it off with an ounce of ham and some carrots, then had my butterscotch pudding. No "I had bad food for lunch, let's just go nuts the rest of the day and start over tomorrow/Monday/next month." I even came home and did some more snow blowing!

A big temptation coming up, however, is the Maple Festival [I was on the board of directors for the festival and was in charge of children's activities; I was normally there every single day of the seven-day festival] -- those yummy deep fried veggies, the mouth-watering steak sandwiches, the curly fries, maple cookies, burnt sugar gobs and (dear God) those enormous apple dumplings! Last year I had them all -- more than once! I know to keep my sanity I'm going to have to get a few things -- I'll be all resentful and prone to relapsing if I don't. My game plan is to #1 take salads, fruit and other healthy snacks along to fill up on; #2 not take a lot of money with me so I can't buy all those things; and #3 if I can't resist a certain treat, either try to share it with someone or save half of it for later. Because of course it's ingrained in me not to throw food away. At least I got a month of abstinence under my belt and my impressive weight loss as added incentive not to go crazy and eat like a hog every day of the festival. And I do need to learn how to deal with some of these "trigger" foods and learn how to have a saner relationship with them.

I think one of the biggest revelations for me is really thinking about portion sizes and realizing just how much I was overeating. I'm probably eating a good third of what I was before, which would clearly explain why I've been losing weight so quickly.

Now at dinner tonight I had a moment where I considered eating more -- granted, it was broccoli, not a very "dangerous" food. But I figured out that it was mainly out of emotional reasons rather than hunger, and I made myself get up from the table, telling myself that if I was still hungry when the dishes were washed, I'd eat some more. Guess what-- as I finished the last of the dishes, I actually felt kind of full! I gave my body time to feel, and I saved myself from compulsive eating. Of course, I still wonder how much of it is the pills, and what will happen when I quit taking them. But something tells me the groundwork is being laid; the new habits formed, and it won't be so bad.