Eruption

Once again I've been staying away from the computer. The good news is I haven't been binge eating -- the Wellbutrin is doing a fantastic job of quelling my urges to compulsively overeat. For example, last night I went to the store during Mabel's gymnastics class, and even though it was an incredibly emotionally stressful day and I broke down and cried twice, I didn't buy one single binge food. Instead I bought strawberries, oranges, bananas, a high-fiber wheatberry bread and seltzer water. Granted, before I walked into the store I had eaten a handful of mini candy bars (oh the joys of Halloween candy), but this was extremely minimal in comparison to my eating in the last few months. And I still can't get over the fact that I had absolutely no desire to refill my binge food cache. There was no feeling of panic of running out of snacks, no feelings of deprivation -- only a desire to get some more healthy foods back into my body again.

I picked the picture above of an active volcano to illustrate how I'm feeling right now. I'm in the middle of some stormy situations to be sure. While I have erupted and the lava is flowing steadily, it's better than staying dormant and withdrawing emotionally, and I haven't completely exploded like Mount St. Helens into a huge cloud of dirt and firey ash with only a crater left behind. In fact, even though this isn't the most pleasant feeling, I think I actually prefer this middle ground: I'm not shutting down emotionally, which leads me to overeating and depression, and I'm also not going completely psycho and chasing my family around with an axe.


Mentioning axes, I watched a new show yesterday on the Lizzie Borden murders that used modern CSI techniques and psychological profiling to shed new light on the case. It seems more and more certain that Lizzie did in fact give her parents 40 whacks, but she was definitely the O.J. Simpson of the 1800s and managed to escape conviction for it. I find these crime/mystery shows mesmerizing. I guess I'm intrigued by the human mind and how it snaps and leads people to horrific acts. Not that I'm seriously planning any massacres, I swear!




I'm know I'm glossing over what led me to this current state. Once again, it's those little straws that build up until the camel's spine snaps from the burden. This current straw really hit me hard, hence the crying I've been doing. After a couple days of this I realized the only way I was going to get over it was to confront the person who caused it. It was difficult, but I did it, and while at first I felt a sense of weakness in exposing my hurt, by the end I felt stronger for standing up for myself and making sure the person knew they had crossed the line.

The reoccurring problem seems to be, however, that I while I am asserting myself more and more, nothing really changes, and these incidents keep happening. I don't know what the solution is. And that scares me.


I guess I just have to keep asserting myself and hope that eventually it sinks in to the people I'm asserting myself to that they're going to keep getting my confrontations until they change their ways. Or perhaps I'll have to get that axe after all...

Waking Up

I'm close to the end of my two weeks of weaning myself off of Lexapro, and I really feel like I'm reawakening from some deep sleep. No, I'm not calling myself Sleeping Beauty! But maybe one of the scullery maids in her castle who also got put under a magical slumbering spell with the rest of the servants.

I'd rather describe it this way than say I'm feeling "better." The truth is, I wasn't feeling much of anything before, and now I'm beginning to find emotions again. And let's face it -- some emotions are pleasant, and some aren't. But I must say I'd rather be able to feel again than to be a walking -- and eating -- zombie.

The emotion that has been taking precedence the last few days has been anger, but I don't see this as a bad thing, really. It doesn't feel like a destructive anger, but more of a self-assertive strain of anger, one that forces me to take care of myself. It's dawning on me just how much crap I've had to deal with the last few weeks and I'm making a decision to not put up with it anymore.

The overeating problems still aren't solved, but I'm doing my best to do something about it. I managed to pry open Karen Koenig's book "The Rules of Normal Eating" again. Each time I read it I seem to have a different reaction to it: this time I feel like the prodigal daughter seeking forgiveness and redemption for my wayward actions. I just hope I can pick up the pieces and find some way to return to intuitive eating.

Tomorrow I call my doctor and we decide which way to go. Even though I had a bad experience with the Lexapro, I don't think I want to go cold turkey. I talked to my sister this morning and asked her about Wellbutrin (she's actually on the Zyban version of the same drug) and she had nothing but positives to say about it. She started taking it to quit smoking and to handle the stress of a messy divorce, and it's helped with that. But it's also helped her quit mindlessly snacking, as well as getting more organized and motivated in the rest of her life. Seeing that we have the same genetic sources, it would be logical that it might have a similar effect on me.

Looking over this post, it -- actually I -- am sounding more positive than I have the last couple weeks. Thank goodness. I couldn't take much more of the dreariness I was mired in.

Non-Emotional Eating

I have a subscription to a clip art program that gives us royalty-free pictures for our church newsletter. I borrow some of these for the blog, because I figure it's still a non-profit publication that doesn't make me a penny. The best part is the edit caption option, which helped me create the clip art here.

I like having pictures or clip art in my blogs. They often illustrate my feelings, depict where I've been or just tickle my fancy.

I've written before how my husband likes to initiate bedtime discussions, and usually I'm too tired to really contribute or state my case. Well, last night I was lying there with my eyes wide open, and when he started, I was ready.

It wasn't an argument, but I was able to talk assertively and not aggressively about an issue that continues to bother me. To add to my good luck, he did not get defensive about it and was able to see my point of view. I don't think anything was resolved, but every time he can understand how I feel, it's one more step in the right direction.

In addition to discussing this issue, I talked about what I wrote here yesterday -- how I'm feeling and how it's probably associated with the medicine I'm taking. It was during this description to him that the light bulb popped up above my head.

I was talking about how I can't seem to hold on to any real emotion and how empty I feel, and I realized that I'm (over)eating because it seems to be the only sensation I can really enjoy. In fact, it's the only thing I can feel, positively or negatively. Part of it's habit, I know, but I can see that over the last couple months the only thing that has brought me anything close to euphoria is the sensation of eating.

Could you call this non-emotional eating? That I'm eating in response to feeling nothing? I'm to the point now that I'd actually prefer being upset or angry or even anxious, because it's better than this bottomless vacuum I'm in now.

This is an important discovery, and I'm glad this came to me before my doctor's appointment tomorrow so I can tell her exactly what's going on. I'm not sure what she's going to do -- switch medicines, add something else, drop everything -- but something has to change. Because if this continues I'll be back where I started four years ago. And that's NOT where I want to be, ever again.

Thanks, my loyal friends, for commenting yesterday. It was so nice to hear from you and get your support. I feel so bad that I haven't been reading your blogs and staying in touch. Like I said yesterday, my focus and attention is terrible right now, and I can't seem to muster the energy to do it. I'm hoping that will soon change. Please be patient with me. Thanks again.

Torn

Yesterday the tension between Hubby and I grew and grew. It was so uncomfortable, yet I wasn't completely sure if it was completely over this London trip or if had to do with other stressful events that have beset my husband this past week.

Nevertheless, I kept my distance, which wasn't hard since we spent the afternoon at our church picnic. A few of the kids wanted to come to our place to swim, so I watched them while he visited with his parents.

Later that evening, however, things came to a head, and he kind of blew a gasket over this trip. I did my best to stay assertive and not aggressive, or worse yet, shut down and give up. At the end of his tirade I had to leave the room. I truly felt at that moment that I was going to have to give up this trip, because it simply wasn't worth this much strife between us.

But then, after a few minutes, Hubby followed me into the kitchen apologizing for his irrational behavior. I said it was clear I couldn't go, because if I do he'll make my life miserable because he's so upset about it. He told me I should go (which honestly felt like deja vu from Friday) and that he's just going to have to get over his issues. I got some more apologetic emails this morning from him, too. Yet after all of this I'm still not sure if Hubby is okay with it.

So here I am, not sure what I'm supposed to do. My friends want to book our airline tickets tonight; SS is researching B&Bs in London. The time of final decision has arrived.

I've been put in an unpleasant situation. If I say yes I make myself happy, yet my husband won't be. If I say no he'll calm down, yet I'll be full of regret. Is it time to be selfish or selfless? Is it time to assert myself or back down?

You could say I'm torn.