Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Non-Emotional Eating

I have a subscription to a clip art program that gives us royalty-free pictures for our church newsletter. I borrow some of these for the blog, because I figure it's still a non-profit publication that doesn't make me a penny. The best part is the edit caption option, which helped me create the clip art here.

I like having pictures or clip art in my blogs. They often illustrate my feelings, depict where I've been or just tickle my fancy.

I've written before how my husband likes to initiate bedtime discussions, and usually I'm too tired to really contribute or state my case. Well, last night I was lying there with my eyes wide open, and when he started, I was ready.

It wasn't an argument, but I was able to talk assertively and not aggressively about an issue that continues to bother me. To add to my good luck, he did not get defensive about it and was able to see my point of view. I don't think anything was resolved, but every time he can understand how I feel, it's one more step in the right direction.

In addition to discussing this issue, I talked about what I wrote here yesterday -- how I'm feeling and how it's probably associated with the medicine I'm taking. It was during this description to him that the light bulb popped up above my head.

I was talking about how I can't seem to hold on to any real emotion and how empty I feel, and I realized that I'm (over)eating because it seems to be the only sensation I can really enjoy. In fact, it's the only thing I can feel, positively or negatively. Part of it's habit, I know, but I can see that over the last couple months the only thing that has brought me anything close to euphoria is the sensation of eating.

Could you call this non-emotional eating? That I'm eating in response to feeling nothing? I'm to the point now that I'd actually prefer being upset or angry or even anxious, because it's better than this bottomless vacuum I'm in now.

This is an important discovery, and I'm glad this came to me before my doctor's appointment tomorrow so I can tell her exactly what's going on. I'm not sure what she's going to do -- switch medicines, add something else, drop everything -- but something has to change. Because if this continues I'll be back where I started four years ago. And that's NOT where I want to be, ever again.

Thanks, my loyal friends, for commenting yesterday. It was so nice to hear from you and get your support. I feel so bad that I haven't been reading your blogs and staying in touch. Like I said yesterday, my focus and attention is terrible right now, and I can't seem to muster the energy to do it. I'm hoping that will soon change. Please be patient with me. Thanks again.

1 comment:

Beula said...

Praying for you and Hubby and Mabel.

A question. How much energy did you use up in taking a stand about the England trip? This may be adding to your sapped feeling. Takes a gob of oomph to disappoint others.