Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Does This Mean I'm 12 Percent Evil?
I feel like such a tool. A dope. A weak-willed addict.
I did so well today. I ate intuitively and felt really good about it. Hubby and Mabel went out this evening to the convenience store for an evening snack and I didn't ask for anything because there was nothing I really wanted.
Mabel walked back in to the house licking on an ice cream cone from the soft serve place across the street from the convenience store.
"Hey," I started to say in jest (because even after seeing her cone I really didn't feel hungry), "If I'd known you were going there--"
I was interrupted by my husband putting an Aloha Sundae under my nose.
"Mabel said this was your favorite."
Now, the assertive, intuitive, strong willed, non-compulsive me would have said "Thank you, but I'm not hungry right now, " and I would have thrown it away (because it wasn't the type of dessert that would keep, even in the freezer).
But no -- I'm weak, compulsive, and have it ingrained in my head not to waste food. So I ate it. And because I really wasn't hungry I had no gauge of fullness and ate it all.
I know I'm being hard on myself. I could turn it outward and blame Hubby for sabotaging me (he even said he needs to keep his wife "fat and sassy" --aargh!) but that's a cop-out. It doesn't help that he's now lost almost 40 pounds this summer with the help of Meridia.
I did say to him that he needs to call me next time before buying me food. But of course I've dealt with this behavior from him before, addressed it, and yet it's still happening. Maybe because I'm not getting angry enough. Good pal Lori always says people like my Hubby need the good ole' 2x4 over the head treatment for them to even begin to get the picture.
But it still comes down to me. I need to learn to look at a bowl of ice cream and consider myself and my body's needs more important than the few dollars that bowl of food cost.
Perhaps I need a 2x4 over my own head to finally figure this out.