If It Looks Like a Duck...

I'm sure most of you have heard the idiom, "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck."

The more I think about what's going on and what I've written in the last few days, I realize that "if it looks like depression and feels like depression, then it probably is depression."

Why would I be in denial about being depressed? I've always been very pro-active in getting myself help when I need it.

I suppose it's hard to break the stigma/stereotype of depression being a sign of weakness, laziness, etc. And let's not forget how it ties in with obesity. I guess I'm trying to deny I'm depressed because I equate it with gaining weight and getting fatter. And I don't want any of it.

Yesterday I found myself really thinking about this realization and taking a good hard look at myself and my behavior over the last few years. It's been such a tumultuous time, and my moods have been so up and down, it's no wonder I'm crashing and burning now.

I guess the big thing I'm wondering is if this cycle of anxiety and depression could be a form of bipolar disorder. I have two members of my immediate family that I know have been diagnosed with it, a few more in my extended family that I suspect may have/had it, so it's not out of the question. Now granted, I know my highs and lows aren't quite as extreme as the typical bipolar case, but I would think that like any other disorder that there are different levels of intensity.

All I know is, I have to get this under control. I'm tired of being in this fog, of every little thing feeling like a climb up Everest, of not being able to muster up the energy to enjoy anything. Except food, that is.

That's the worst. I have reached the point that I am so sick of turning to food, yet I can't seem to break that compulsive need. I'm at that scary place that thoughts of weight loss surgery seem like my only option. Of course, I know it's going to take more than a Lap Band or cutting up my digestive system to fix this.

Well, today we'll find out. I'll also face the music with my weight. I took a preliminary reading at home over the weekend, so I basically know that bad news. We'll just have to see how bad the official weight will be. The only positive I can see in it is that it's proof that I'm not doing well with this medicine and that I need help. I just hope my doctor sees it that way, too.