Monday, April 16, 2007

Pardon My (Lack of) Sanity

PMS, get it? Boy I'm clever. Heh-heh.

If only I was a little more clever about getting through what I'm mired in right now. My weekend plan didn't go as planned -- mindful just wasn't happening. On Sunday I was in an utterly foul mood, and this morning I was worse.

It would be easy to write this off as PMS, but what about last week, and the week before that? The last I heard PMS isn't a three-week phenomenon.

I could blame it on the weather -- it's mid-April and we're dealing with a Nor'easter that's giving us cold and snow and winds up to 50 mph. But what about all the nasty weather in January, February and March, when I managed to stick to my Monday-Friday plan and even lost a few pounds?

Of course, I could point the finger at the puppies. This weekend they found a little tear in our kitchen linoleum and have now chewed the Black Hole of Calcutta into our floor. Yes, they are stressful at times. But what about the massive stress of moving a few months ago, or the distress of my car accident, or fretting over my daughter's surgery? I stuck to my guns then. Why not now?

So what's so bad now that I'm falling to pieces? Why am I either near tears or bellowing a couple times a day? I am finishing up the third month of my new birth control pills -- perhaps I'm not reacting well to it? But the first two months I seemed okay.

Of course, if I had the answer and solution to why people fall in and out of the weight loss groove, I'd be a billionaire.

Perhaps it's just a combination of everything. I am constantly trying to balance everything in my life like one of those circus people holding the stacks of plates, and maybe all it takes is one off-kilter dish to make the whole thing come crashing to the ground.

I was really struck by Beula's post today. She's wondering if 181 could be the weight she should stay at, and she's debating whether that's the sensible thing or settling. She talks a lot about perfectionism and not appreciating the accomplishments she has made. She's lost 65 pounds, but yet that doesn't seem good enough because she hasn't gotten to her goal weight of 145.

And here I am, I've lost more than 120 pounds, yet I'm scowling at myself because I can't seem to break through the 200 threshold. The thought of "settling" somewhere around 210 feels like giving up, of falling short, even though I've gotten farther than I ever dreamed that I could.

Despite this malaise I'm feeling, I'm stubbornly clinging to the notion that this will pass. I will fight my way through this low point and emerge on the other side with a brighter viewpoint and renewed motivation. I just hope it doesn't take too long.


Mari said...

I've not commented before and have just started reading your blog.

I think you're just exhausted. I think that you've had so much that you've had to keep an even keel on, that you just don't have an ounce of strength left right now.

And maybe that's ok. Just let it go. If I've learned anything in my life it's that beating myself up only makes things worse.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that this feeling passes soon for you.

Beula said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm not even exactly sure what for. For getting it I guess.

I have a friend who has lost a major amount of weight like you. She is still over 200. She looks fantastic and is healthy. Says she can maintain where she is without effort, and has for three years. Has quit stressing about "looking like anyone other than me." She smiles modestly when someone compliments her on the weight loss and when someone says she is fat she says "I have lost 130 pounds in addition to all my other accomplishments, what have you done?" Shuts them right up. Even silences her inner critic. I am not there yet but I'm closing in.

I want to eat healthy for the rest of my life and maintain an exercise regimen but I am sick of my weight always being a component of my day. I want to be un-self conscious for a while. Not sugary unconscious, just free of always being hyper aware of my body.

Thanks for letting me rant. Here's to us and our blessings at our current weight.

Lori said...

I think Mari's right in that you are tired; I'm trying to remember if you really even recovered from your illnesses before you got the puppies.

It doesn't matter, you're doing what you need to do which is put one foot in front of the other and doing the best you can do.

And, don't beat yourself up!