Thursday, April 19, 2007

Fear of Clothes Shopping

Busy day. Trying to get my church newsletter done, which involves a lot of copying, folding and labeling. I also have to get a memorial bulletin done on top of my usual Sunday bulletin. Plus, I had to write up a press release and send a photo I took last night to the area newspapers for a rummage sale/fund raiser we're holding. The busy life of a church secretary.

It's a good thing I'm on the upswing moodwise this week. It's one of those hectic weeks with lots of appointments and errands, plus the house really needed some cleaning. I don't know how I would have handled all of this if I had been in last week's PMS/ foul mood.

In fact, I told Hubby last night I feel almost a little manic. My mind and body seem to be in constant motion; I keep thinking of things to do, and instead of procrastinating, I'm just doing it. And since there's always a million things to do, there's no end to it.

There's a family history of bipolar disorder in my background, although up to this point none of my long list of therapists have ever diagnosed me with it. I've always been firmly in the depression side of things. But my father's first major episode didn't happen until he was in his late 30s, so you never know when this can start.

So am I worried? ("Do I look bovvered?" -- sorry, channeling Catherine Tate again) Not really. Hubby's reply to my comment was, "I just thought you were starting to feel better again," and I suppose I have to agree with that. But that Eeyore in me has to spend a sunny day looking over my shoulder to see if any black clouds are sneaking up behind me.

This morning I walked my three miles to a pre-recorded episode of "The Closer." I really like detective/whodunit shows, and Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson (played by Kyra Sedgwick) is an interesting and quirky character. I like the fact that this character has food issues -- she is a stress eater and can be found secretly scarfing down candy bars or snack cakes when she's at her wit's end. While I think Sedgwick does a terrific job, I think it would have been interesting if the producers had selected an actress who was heavier (I'd say fatter but I'm not sure if you could actually find many fat lead actresses in Hollywood). On the other hand, maybe it isn't such a bad thing; it doesn't feed into the stereotype that all fat people have out of control eating disorders. But I wouldn't be surprised if some viewers assume that if she's eating that much, she must be vomiting it up later offscreen. In one episode she was running, so maybe she's into excessive exercise to burn off the binge foods. Just an observation.

A few days ago I realized my favorite spring jacket has a bunch of tears in it and has to be thrown away. It's got a vinyl outer layer, so there's no sewing it without it looking very strange. It was a long black trench-type jacket which was great for dressing up a little and had a really slimming effect. Now I have to start looking for something new, which I really dread.

In fact, clothes shopping in general has been something I haven't enjoyed lately. I am in such clothing limbo -- I'm right in between the plus size and regular sizes. About a month ago I went to Lane Bryant and saw some clothes I really liked, but I couldn't find any 14/16s, because the 18/20s are simply too big. But when I went to a "regular" store a few weeks ago and tried on the size 16 jeans, they were way too tight.

I know, at every store, and sometimes even the brands within those stores, the fit of sizes can vary widely. But I've got this crappy attitude right now that I'm tired of going to the plus size section, yet I've got this pathological fear of rejection if I go to the regular section. So I don't want to shop at all! Hopefully this mood too will pass as Spring finally seems to be pushing its way out of Winter's fierce grip.

I'd love to go on, but I have so much to do! I'll check in with y'all later.


Anonymous said...

I'm in that limbo, too; a little too big for the misses section, a little too small for the women's section. It's frustrating. Most women are thrilled to be out of Lane Bryant, but it's my comfort zone. I knew that I could go and there would be cute clothes (they've been carrying some nice stuff the last few years) in my size. Now I have to go to Macy's and hope that the XL will go around my enormous bust. I still haven't worked up the nerve to go into Target. I'm either a huge coward or a huge creature of habit.


Lori said...

You touched on something that's on my mind. Not that I'm complaining about getting smaller but it's a bit scary to think about going somewhere other than Plus sizes eventually. (I'm still there and probably will be for a while but that's okay.)

Deirdre's right; it's my comfort zone. I still sometimes reach for the 2x and 3x blouses and that's just crazy. They hang on me now. But it's second nature.

Now I've been shopping at Talbot's whenever I can find something insanely reduced or on ebay. That's my new comfort zone.

Tonight's Clatterford; a nice ending for the week. Maybe you're not as manic as you think; maybe this burst of energy surprises you because of how you felt last week. It's hard to figure out what is normal, isn't it?