Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Emerging from the Puddle

I've talked before about my favorite show, The Vicar of Dibley. In my favorite episode, Autumn, the Vicar is walking down a lovely country lane with her new beau. They come up to a series of puddles and at first she playfully splashes around in one. Then she goes to splash in the next one and plunges in over her head. The first time I saw it I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face.

Today I feel like I'm bobbing up from that muddy water, wondering what in the hell happened.
As you may notice, I haven't said I've dragged myself out of it yet. But I'm getting there.

It started this morning with an hour on the bike (10 miles), my green tea, and right now I'm sipping at a ginormous mug of water. My food still isn't perfect, but today is the first real day since Thursday that I am craving the need to portion and control my intake. Going to exercise wasn't like pulling teeth this morning, it was just something I wanted to do. I'm taking these as good signs.

So yeah, although I am fairly disgusted with the tumble I've taken, I'm aware that this is incredibly brief compared to even last year. I mean, now I can't go a whole week without the New Me tapping on the inside of my skull and saying, "Yoo-hoo, it's me. Enough of this silliness. It's time to start getting back on track now."

I guess I understand deep down that this compulsive eating is no longer the Normal Operating Procedure. While it's easy to go back to (too damn easy, unfortunately), it doesn't feel right any more. After a few days of it I feel myself wanting to return to the new way I've learned to live.

I am incredibly bloated right now. I won't even say how much because I don't think anyone would believe me. The only way I can figure that this can happen is that all my depleted fat cells fill with this water retention, because I don't know where else this massive amount of weight gain can be coming from. Yes, I've been weighing myself daily, even though I wasn't going to. But I think I needed to do that to keep me grounded and not in denial about what I was doing.

So I'm going to mark my successes for the immediate future by recording my exercise and celebrating each day that I can prevent compulsive overeating. I'm not going to worry about the calories, I'm more concerned about limiting my portions and listening to my body. I guess this is called intuitive eating, which I should really read more about.

Thanks for the support, commenters. I'm feeling kind of fragile right now and knowing you're out there helps so much. I know this blog is one of the big reasons this stumble has not become a complete crash and that I'm picking up the pieces so quickly. So don't worry, I'll be here.


Grumpy Chair said...

Your not alone. I appreciate this timely post, since I am feeling somewhat shameful of my behavior last week. (my eating wasn't binging - more controlled, ie., the 1 piece of candy thing - but the sugar drives me insane - I have to eat something salty after something sweet to get the taste out).

Yesterday, I noticed the bloat and how my clothes felt tighter (which are normally too lose!).

Unlike you, (I'm gutless) I wasn't able to weigh daily - nor will I weigh again until end of the week - to process the damage.

And I totally get "craving the need to portion and control my intake".

Shauna said...

Ooooh I love that episode. Just a classic show :)

Hang in there comrade...

Beula said...

Yes, yes, yes. I loved this post. I know salt causes water retention but I didn't realize sugar did the same thing. Some sort of osmotic thing. I just read this the other day. How did I not know this in my head when my body shouts it so clearly? Is a mystery.

"Normal Operating Procedure" is a Onderful phrase. I am here too. I had two blueberry muffins last eve after a good eating day. As I was eating them my brain said to my mouth, "I will sure be glad when this Holiday food is gone and we can get back to normal." Back to normal, two blueberry muffins after a full supper is no longer normal. And I am grateful.

Hand in there we are rapidly moving "back to normal." Thank Heaven

Beula said...

Hang in there. Not hand.

Helen said...

I was "bad" last weekend too and amazed at how the scale went up in such a short time. Weird. But mine is on its way back down and sounds like yours is too. It's so great that you kept weighing -- something about that does keep these things from getting out of hand. My weight got out of hand when I stopped getting on the scale. You are brave to keep it up when the impulse to run away from Nasty Mr. Scale must be strong! ;-)

Vickie said...

I don't think it is JUST the salt or just the sugar - I think it might be all of those things listed on ingredient labels - where we don't know WHAT they are. My mother - all 118 lbs of her - ate two meals at the hospital - a month or so ago - right after her husband's surgery - they were foods that she COULD eat - but cooked there - not at home - she swelled up like a balloon - hurt - and the scale was up 4 lbs. She couldn't believe it - and let me tell you - 4 lbs on 118 lb person is a LOT. So, I don't think it is something weird about our bodies or our fat cells or our metabolism - because she has NEVER had any excess weight - but she eats healthy now - and doesn't eat processed - and when she does - she reacts just like the rest of us and feels sick (flu like symptoms) and hurts and feels bloated - just like us.