Changing Goals

Vickie, in her own blog, referred me and a few other people to this other blog by Fatslayer, which had a great post about changing goals.

It was good to hear that I'm not the only one who gets wrapped up in this spiral of self-loathing that occurs when you don't meet your weight loss goals.

Funnily enough, I'm feeling a wee bit better right at this moment. Yesterday was really tough, and when I first woke up this morning that dark cloud was still lingering. I don't know if my morning activities -- Pilates, snow shoveling (six inches on April 16 -- aargh!), and a healthy breakfast from my regular food plan -- rebooted my brain, but I felt a little glimmer of hope even as I trudged through the slushy sidewalk to my office. (Of course, my TOTM started this morning, too, so maybe it's the PMS ending)

The phrase "Fake it Till You Make It" ran through my head this morning as I was feeding our family fish, Swimmy John (my daughter's invention). If you keep going through the motions, there's a good chance the results you want will follow. As low as I get, as much junk as I can consume, the next morning I keep falling into that New Me routine/rut I've created, and the hope is one of these days the rest of the day-- hopefully today-- will fall into place.

I also have a new external motivator to get my butt into gear -- yesterday I had to call the doctor's office because my prescriptions are running out, which means it's time for my annual exam. It's scheduled for next Monday, the 23rd. So now the thought of getting on that office scale is propelling me away from the urge to buy a frozen coconut cake and eat it all before it fully thaws. The last time I was at the doctor I think I weighed in around 211, 213. So I'm hoping I can de-bloat myself to that range by Monday.

The other good thing about this appointment is that it is on a Monday, which means I have a real and pressing reason not to compulsively overeat over this upcoming weekend.

I know, all the experts say you need to have internal motivators to succeed -- you have to do it for yourself -- and this doctor's visit is an external event/deadline. And I realize I'm basically going against what Fatslayer's blog so marvelously points out. But at this point my immediate goal isn't reaching 199; it's staying far, far away from 299. My intention for this specific deadline is not to lose weight, but to have something to snap me out of this compulsive eating I've fallen into.

I've had a couple people comment that I seem tired -- exhausted. And you know what? I think they're right. I am wiped out, emotionally and physically. The daily pressures, the family mini-dramas, the illnesses, have all worn me down. I think I needed outside people to tell me this, because I need that validation to let me know it's not laziness or a crappy attitude.

My concern now is keeping this exhaustion from evolving into full-blown depression. I've been down that road before and I don't want to go there again. I'm sticking with the exercise, the therapy, the blogging, the light therapy too, hoping all of this will help keep it to a minimum. And hey, if during this week I do fall to pieces (even though that is NOT my intention), the doctor's visit will be the perfect opportunity to explain my concerns and symptoms to my doctor, and if it is depression, I can discuss pharmaceutical options to get me over this rough patch. But if my current mood is any indication, if it lasts, I think that I'll keep myself together.