Friday, February 23, 2007

Miss Worst Case Scenario

What a short warm spell we had. We're now back to the nasty weather. Cold, windy, snowy. I'm back in my long johns and two pairs of socks. Schools were cancelled again.

The bad weather coerced me into staying in bed this morning. But I redeemed myself by shoveling snow before I left for work. I'm really hungry this morning, although now that I've eaten my Cocoa Via bar, I feel a little better.

This whole week has been so darn difficult. Nothing was all that terrible; even the little annoyances weren't all that annoying. I just don't feel like I can muster up the enthusiasm for anything. Especially eating healthy. It's typical of my annual winter depression, which I was hoping to avoid, but the best I can hope for is to minimize the effects.

You know, I went for an x-ray on my neck yesterday for my 6-month appointment with my neurology surgeon on Monday, and it reminded me that I never posted on here that my mammography results came back normal. Whatever bumps I have in my lumps (sorry, I channeled the Black Eyed Peas there) don't appear to be of any concern. I'm not sure if anyone reading here even remembered about this, but I didn't want to leave that storyline hanging.

The good thing about having to get these x-rays is that I get to take them with me for the doctor's appointment. I love looking at these pictures, especially now that I've got what looks like a DYI fix-it project in my neck. The first time my hubby ever saw the x-rays he cringed at the big bracket and screws that now keep my head attached to my body. I love telling people, "I went to get my head examined yesterday to see if I have any screws loose!"

I suppose in the grand scheme of things I should be thrilled that I'm walking and shoveling and able to go control my bladder. In the days before the surgery I was terrified of having a fall or car accident and exacerbating the bone spurs in my vertebra, which would have caused spinal cord damage. Not to mention worrying that I wouldn't survive the surgery or have terrible complications from it (just call me Miss Worst Case Scenario). Everything went great, and most days I don't even think about my neck anymore.

What I've been thinking about this week is the bloat I can't seem to get rid of, and the cravings that won't go away. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but I have no confidence at all in tomorrow's weigh in. I would be shocked not to see a gain tomorrow. It's not that I've been binge eating all week; other than Wednesday evening I did well, I think. And it's not that I've been a lazy slug; I exercised four times this week and shoveled snow this morning, on top of the extra housework I'm doing to get ready for our Asian new year party. I know this sounds stupid, but I don't feel like I've lost anything; if anything, I feel fatter than ever.

This makes no sense, and I know that. Because when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look OK. In fact, I think I'm looking pretty good. So why do I feel enormous? Maybe it's all the layers of clothing I'm forced to wear in these bitter temperatures. Maybe it's due to TTOM.

All I know is, it's going to take all my strength to not start slipping up today. With the family home from school and the cold firing up my desire for comfort foods, I can feel my resolve weakening. I really don't want to: I've made this Monday-Friday rule for myself, and I don't like breaking it. Because once I start breaking one rule, then it's a second, third, and before you know it I'm out of control.

Besides, I don't want to screw up tomorrow's weigh in! Because I have to post it here, and I don't want my disappointing results plastered on the Internet. I guess that's a minor reason, but at least it's some kind of accountability I've created for myself.

I have a lot of housecleaning to do today, so I'll do my best to use that to keep me busy. My goal is to stay mindful and really stay in tune with my body. And if I do mess up? I'll just have to face the consequences and learn my lessons from it.


Beula said...

Hang on. I am in the same boat. I want to eat. Husband is not coming home for lunch and I have the day to myself. Always scary for me. If I don't have my routines to adhere to I want to curl up and read, AND EAT. It snowed another five inches and I am feeling trapped by the snow and cold. Would be so easy to say to heck with it and eat all afternoon long. But I don't want to blow it either. Good luck.

Lori said...

I have had the least enthusiasm of anyone in my state. I can understand.

Every so often I will hear this voice in my head and it says stupid things like "Gumdrops!" or "Chinese!" and I just try to ignore it. It's never when I'm stressed out -- I'm aware of my little voice then -- but just when I'm walking down the hall at work. GUMDROP pops up in my head.

Hang in there.

Vickie said...

I TOTALLY understand about your "not feeling" like you lost weight - I can ususally tell that too - and when I get on the scale - I am ususally right. I THINK you when I feel that way it is one of two things - salt/hormone/bloat or "full" GI track. I don't think that "feel" is usually actual weight.