Monday, February 19, 2007

Give Me a Break

Yesterday was a day of snowing and blowing, and fortunately we were able to stay home and not be in it. But today there was no escaping it; for once there were no delays or cancellations, so I got everyone off to school and myself to work.

I'm sad to say I didn't work out this morning at all. Nothing. Na-da. And the shoveling I did was very minimal. I'm going to try to redeem myself by going after work and getting on the bike for 30 minutes. I've got extra motivation, too: I have to watch the last half hour of last week's episode of "Heroes" because the new one is on tonight.

I'm not really all that proud of myself right now. Sunday was just one big day of eating, and today just started off wrong. Not food wise; I didn't even eat breakfast until I got truly hungry for it, which was about 10 a.m. (a banana and a high fiber blueberry muffin). But I'm off kilter, I was disorganized and not ready to go this morning. I didn't realize Mabel had homework until 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave, and between that and my messing around with last minute things we wound up later than usual. I was in a foul mood, grumbling and cursing and being generally nasty. Fortunately Mabel wasn't traumatized by this, but then I was in control enough to not take it out on her; she even giggled at me when in the car I took a breath and said, "Gee, can you tell Mom's in a bad mood today?"

Oh yeah, did I mention this week is TTOM? I wonder if that has something to do with both my foul mood this morning and my need to feed on Sunday. I certainly won't use it as an excuse for any of my behavior, but seeing that this is my first complete cycle on the new pills, it's interesting to note.

I guess it comes down to the fact that although I try to not beat myself up about my weekend eating, deep down I'm torn about it. It's not rational, but I have this wish I was perfect and could go through life never overeating, never indulging in candy or fried food. And when I'm not perfect I have a hard time not feeling disappointed in myself. I need to be realistic. I can certainly give myself goals and work hard at being my best. But I have to remember I'm not perfect, no one is perfect, and there is no shame in that.

I also see myself so close to my big goal -- 9 more pounds until 199 -- and get frustrated how slow it's going. Then I start to criticize myself. "If I'd put more importance on losing weight than on 'treating myself' on weekends, I'd be there by now." Or "This weight would be coming off a lot faster if I'd be more vigilant with this exercise. I should be working out 90 minutes a day, and I'm not doing enough."

Then I get jolted with a different perspective. I had two -- 2!-- comments on my Saturday post calling me an inspiration. ME?!? The wildest part is that the two people who said this are people I look up to immensely for their dedication to exercise and weight loss. How in the world can they see me as an inspiration? They obviously are not focusing on my flaws and are looking at
my overall accomplishments. I need to learn how to do that better.

Because yes, I can criticize myself all day that three years later I'm not at goal and still struggling with food and exercise. But could I have even imagined that I would still be at it three years later? Losing 129 pounds just isn't done by a lot of people, especially a person without surgery, without a paid membership to some weight loss group, without a personal trainer, chef or nutritionist. It's slow, but at least it is. Because the alternative would have me shooting back up and orbiting around 300 pounds, with health problems heading right for me like a meteor shower.

Okay, now that I've talked myself "off the ledge," I feel a little better about the whole thing. These mood swings are normal, especially at TTOM, and I just have to brace myself and work through them.


Lori said...

If we can figure out some ways that WE ourselves can look beyond what we perceive our flaws and see ourselves the way others do, it's worth all of the struggles we go through.

I just keeping thinking that I've really fooled people and it's something I need to work on in myself.

You write very thoughtful, introspective journals and you are an inspiration. This may sound like a slam but it isn't -- I just don't put people up on a pedastal; I hope that I see them warts and all and understand or can emphasize with them. (I should apply this to the people on the road when I blow my horn at them or say bad words...)

I agree, give yourself a break! Keep up the good work.

Andrew & Dawn said...

Very good writing. Funny, but I'm feeling the same way about not getting myself to my -25 goal and then into the 180s! I've been piddling around for too long. ((( hugs ))) If it helps, I think I'll be struggling w/ food for the rest of my life - it's who I am. I hope that the weight isn't who I am though. D