Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Between shlepping my daughter everywhere and packing, I didn't have a lot of down time.
As of Saturday I'm down one pound, to 214. Not a huge surprise, I suppose, since I had the big 4 pound loss last week. My body tends to balance out those big drops with a slow week afterwards. Besides, this follows the same pattern I've had before: big losses on the week of my TOTM and the week immediately following it, then slow moving on the other two weeks.
I had a bad dream last night that I had my metabolic rate scientifically tested, and they came to tell me it was horribly low -- something like 2 calories an hour! Now, I do have PCOS and thyroid problems, which I'm treating with medicine. But I've never used that as an excuse. In fact, when I was finally diagnosed with these conditions (after years of suspecting I did), that's when I was finally able to lose the weight. I suppose once I had concrete proof I had these problems, and more importantly, started receiving medicine to counteract the effects, I was able to rise to the challenge. But that's been the story of my life; I don't really get motivated until I have a specific deadline or challenge to tackle.
So hey, I'm content with the 214. Getting ever closer to the big 2-0-0, and then Onederful Land! If my estimations are correct, and if I can survive the holidays and the post-holiday blues, I think I might be able to reach the Promised Land sometime in February. Of course, I've made these predictions many, many, times, and something always seems to derail me. But I must think positively! I've got this blog and my wonderful visitors to encourage and support me. I've learned important lessons from previous winters, previous weight loss rounds, and I'll be tweaking my program to get the best results.
Wish me and my daughter luck; we're doing our big song at the Christmas program today, and I pray I don't hit any clunkers and mess up Mabel in her first solo debut. After that, I'm loading up all the boxes I have packed and taking them up to the garage of the new house. All that lifting and carrying should get me some decent exercise, I think.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Looking for Help
Holy cow, where did the week go? I've been so freakin' busy this week, I feel like I've been in perpetual motion for eons.
Christmas is in 10 days. We've got 11 days until we plan to start moving all our stuff to the house. In 12 days the movers are coming to move the big stuff (the piano, entertaiment center, etc.). How will I ever be ready?!?
I could go into detail about my gripes and whining -- looking for a "pity party," as Hubby said a few days ago (you don't EVEN want me to get into that!) -- but I don't want to bore you. I have the old feeling I haven't had for a long time; the anxiety that I've gotten in over my head and I'm scrambling to stay afloat. Each time another person puts another task on my pile, I feel the water rise a little more. Up to my eyeballs? You betcha.
I know this will pass. The world won't end if I don't get everything done in 10 or 11 days. I think what bothers me the most is the feeling that I'm not "allowed" to feel overwhelmed and anxious. I'm supposed to be the good little trouper that smiles and happily accepts it as I'm being loaded down like a beast of burden. I don't mind carrying my own weight (there's a fitting pun!), but I guess it comes down to the fact that I feel I'm carrying more than my equal share, and I'm a little resentful of it.
Let's face it. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Fortunately I'm not eating my way through it. But I worry. I worry that once Christmas comes, all of these feelings will snowball into a massive binge that will last from Dec. 23 to Jan. 1.
I told Hubby I worry about overeating over the holidays and how I'd really like to find some ways to prevent that. His response was, "If anyone could do it, it would be you." Which was nice, but he then basically said he can't wait for the holiday and will be eating everything in sight. I suppose it was silly of me to think he'd say something like "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know."
I guess that's what I'm lacking right now -- feeling like I have help and support. But in my life that's always been wishful thinking. If I really, really want something, I've learned I have to do it myself. People have commented how strong and brave I am over certain things I've done in my life. The funny thing is, I've never felt particularly brave or strong -- it was just the realization that no one else was going to do it for me, so I better get off my butt and do it myself.
The truth is, it's exhausting being the strong and brave one. I wish I had the luxury of being the helpless female, fluttering my eyelashes and getting my wishes completed with a combination of charm and manipulation. But honestly, that's not my style. I come from a family of women who had to do everything for themselves because otherwise it wouldn't get done.
I suppose I should work up a weekend game plan. At this point all I know is that we're going to be busy, busy, busy. Hubby's already told me he'll be working at the house all weekend. I want to try to get a lot of boxes moved to the new house's garage while the weather holds out. Of course, I need to fit that in between acrobatics, play practice, and the actual Christmas program on Sunday. While it's good that I'll be busy to sit down and have massive binges, my concern is that my food will be "sloppy" -- eating whatever's around because it's fast and easy.
I'm going to do my best to check in here this weekend with my Week Eleven Weigh In. I'm feeling positive about my food and exercise this week, so I'll do my best to get on here and crow about the results.
Christmas is in 10 days. We've got 11 days until we plan to start moving all our stuff to the house. In 12 days the movers are coming to move the big stuff (the piano, entertaiment center, etc.). How will I ever be ready?!?
I could go into detail about my gripes and whining -- looking for a "pity party," as Hubby said a few days ago (you don't EVEN want me to get into that!) -- but I don't want to bore you. I have the old feeling I haven't had for a long time; the anxiety that I've gotten in over my head and I'm scrambling to stay afloat. Each time another person puts another task on my pile, I feel the water rise a little more. Up to my eyeballs? You betcha.
I know this will pass. The world won't end if I don't get everything done in 10 or 11 days. I think what bothers me the most is the feeling that I'm not "allowed" to feel overwhelmed and anxious. I'm supposed to be the good little trouper that smiles and happily accepts it as I'm being loaded down like a beast of burden. I don't mind carrying my own weight (there's a fitting pun!), but I guess it comes down to the fact that I feel I'm carrying more than my equal share, and I'm a little resentful of it.
Let's face it. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Fortunately I'm not eating my way through it. But I worry. I worry that once Christmas comes, all of these feelings will snowball into a massive binge that will last from Dec. 23 to Jan. 1.
I told Hubby I worry about overeating over the holidays and how I'd really like to find some ways to prevent that. His response was, "If anyone could do it, it would be you." Which was nice, but he then basically said he can't wait for the holiday and will be eating everything in sight. I suppose it was silly of me to think he'd say something like "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know."
I guess that's what I'm lacking right now -- feeling like I have help and support. But in my life that's always been wishful thinking. If I really, really want something, I've learned I have to do it myself. People have commented how strong and brave I am over certain things I've done in my life. The funny thing is, I've never felt particularly brave or strong -- it was just the realization that no one else was going to do it for me, so I better get off my butt and do it myself.
The truth is, it's exhausting being the strong and brave one. I wish I had the luxury of being the helpless female, fluttering my eyelashes and getting my wishes completed with a combination of charm and manipulation. But honestly, that's not my style. I come from a family of women who had to do everything for themselves because otherwise it wouldn't get done.
I suppose I should work up a weekend game plan. At this point all I know is that we're going to be busy, busy, busy. Hubby's already told me he'll be working at the house all weekend. I want to try to get a lot of boxes moved to the new house's garage while the weather holds out. Of course, I need to fit that in between acrobatics, play practice, and the actual Christmas program on Sunday. While it's good that I'll be busy to sit down and have massive binges, my concern is that my food will be "sloppy" -- eating whatever's around because it's fast and easy.
I'm going to do my best to check in here this weekend with my Week Eleven Weigh In. I'm feeling positive about my food and exercise this week, so I'll do my best to get on here and crow about the results.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
See the Changes
I had a close call this afternoon. I managed to cut it off before it developed into anything serious, but if I hadn't peeked at the scale this morning and saw myself down another half pound, I may not have had the fortitude to get past it.
I'm simply overwhelmed. I don't know what to attack first -- packing, cleaning, laundry, dishes, Christmas cards, wrapping presents, you name it. After days of procrastination I finally got a few more boxes packed this afternoon, but in the middle of it -- bang -- I came across the bag of Swedish cookies Hubby bought during our recent trip to 1kea. These shortbread-like sandwich cookies come in wrapped sleeves, and the flavors my husband picked out were the lemon filled and the raspberry filled. That night I bought one roll of the hazelnut chocolate filled, but they pretty much disappeared that same day...
"God I'd love to sit down and eat an entire roll of these things," I announced to my mother, who was sitting at the dining room table reading my newspaper. She didn't comment, but I did my own mothering and shook my head. Nope, I said to myself as I put the back in their hiding place, I don't need any of these today. So I got my head back on straight and got back to work.
Despite this one murky spot, the day has gone very well. The whole week has, really. I'm in that focused state of mind that I yearn for when I'm stumbling and ... well, eating entire sleeves of cookies in one night. It's almost a stubborn determination to eat well and stay away from the emotional eating. When I don't have it I wrack my brain trying to figure out how to get it back. When I do get there I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I am so grateful that I did. I do know that if I could bottle that feeling or else write a book explaining exactly how to achieve and maintain this frame of mind, I'd quickly be the richest woman on the planet. Move over, Queen Elizabeth! Step aside, Oprah!
For example, the last couple days as I'm meandering around the house I've been trying to figure out how I can get through Christmas without bloating up 20 pounds. Last year I was stockpiling and pre-ordering all my goodies in order to eat whatever I wanted at Christmas -- what a different perspective! Of course, Christmas still feels far away to me, even though it's NEXT WEEKEND (holy petit-fours, Batman!)! Once I'm surrounded by all the rich, delicious, aromatic, tantalizing food I only get once a year, it'll probably be a much different story. But right now I'm trying to figure out how to preserve the good work I've done. I'm downright desperate to do whatever it takes to NOT see 225 on the scale New Year's Day!
One thing I have to do is keep my victories fresh in my mind. Today I was walking to Mabel's bus stop and caught a glimpse of myself in a window. WOW. I looked so slim! Granted, I was wearing a flattering outfit, but still, it continues to amaze me how much change there is between 225 and 215. Back in the early days 10 pounds was nothing -- it took a good 30 or 40 pounds for people to really start noticing any change in my appearance. And I remember how psyched I was at 250. But now, I'm really starting to see a body emerging that makes me pretty darn satisfied with myself.
Something tells me the cookie disaster I diverted an hour later might have been due to this huge ego boost that made me feel so good. Whatever it takes, right?
Sounds like Hubby's finally home from working on the house. Better go entertain him. Ciao for now!
I'm simply overwhelmed. I don't know what to attack first -- packing, cleaning, laundry, dishes, Christmas cards, wrapping presents, you name it. After days of procrastination I finally got a few more boxes packed this afternoon, but in the middle of it -- bang -- I came across the bag of Swedish cookies Hubby bought during our recent trip to 1kea. These shortbread-like sandwich cookies come in wrapped sleeves, and the flavors my husband picked out were the lemon filled and the raspberry filled. That night I bought one roll of the hazelnut chocolate filled, but they pretty much disappeared that same day...
"God I'd love to sit down and eat an entire roll of these things," I announced to my mother, who was sitting at the dining room table reading my newspaper. She didn't comment, but I did my own mothering and shook my head. Nope, I said to myself as I put the back in their hiding place, I don't need any of these today. So I got my head back on straight and got back to work.
Despite this one murky spot, the day has gone very well. The whole week has, really. I'm in that focused state of mind that I yearn for when I'm stumbling and ... well, eating entire sleeves of cookies in one night. It's almost a stubborn determination to eat well and stay away from the emotional eating. When I don't have it I wrack my brain trying to figure out how to get it back. When I do get there I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I am so grateful that I did. I do know that if I could bottle that feeling or else write a book explaining exactly how to achieve and maintain this frame of mind, I'd quickly be the richest woman on the planet. Move over, Queen Elizabeth! Step aside, Oprah!
For example, the last couple days as I'm meandering around the house I've been trying to figure out how I can get through Christmas without bloating up 20 pounds. Last year I was stockpiling and pre-ordering all my goodies in order to eat whatever I wanted at Christmas -- what a different perspective! Of course, Christmas still feels far away to me, even though it's NEXT WEEKEND (holy petit-fours, Batman!)! Once I'm surrounded by all the rich, delicious, aromatic, tantalizing food I only get once a year, it'll probably be a much different story. But right now I'm trying to figure out how to preserve the good work I've done. I'm downright desperate to do whatever it takes to NOT see 225 on the scale New Year's Day!
One thing I have to do is keep my victories fresh in my mind. Today I was walking to Mabel's bus stop and caught a glimpse of myself in a window. WOW. I looked so slim! Granted, I was wearing a flattering outfit, but still, it continues to amaze me how much change there is between 225 and 215. Back in the early days 10 pounds was nothing -- it took a good 30 or 40 pounds for people to really start noticing any change in my appearance. And I remember how psyched I was at 250. But now, I'm really starting to see a body emerging that makes me pretty darn satisfied with myself.
Something tells me the cookie disaster I diverted an hour later might have been due to this huge ego boost that made me feel so good. Whatever it takes, right?
Sounds like Hubby's finally home from working on the house. Better go entertain him. Ciao for now!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I Don't Do Mornings
This morning was a flashback to my adolescence. Why? All because I slept in for an hour instead of exercising.
Lately I've been exercising Monday-Friday and taking Saturday and Sundays off. I don't think that's working for me -- mainly because I wind up eating too much on the weekends! So this week I thought I'd take Wednesday off, which would then make me feel like I needed to exercise this weekend since I missed a day. Plus, I've been absolutely exhausted Monday and Tuesday nights, and I thought maybe I needed an extra hour of sleep.
I'm thinking it was a mistake. Besides getting my exercise in for the day, there's an added reason I like getting up before the rest of my family: I am NOT a morning person. In my teens my mother rolled her eyes at how cranky I was in the morning, and she learned to back off.
What I've discovered is that I need time in the morning to fully awaken, to get my brain back together after floating in dreamland. I'm just not ready to be in conversations and get bombarded with a lot of information.
Take this morning, for instance. As soon as I get up, here comes daughter into my room (45 minutes before she usually wakes up) saying she's hungry. She follows me downstairs, where husband's getting ready to go to work and bombarding me with the game plan for the day, what needs to be done, what I need to do. I'm trying to make my breakfast while daughter's making her food requests in one ear while hubby's in the other ear telling me I'd have to cook dinner again and what I should do. Is it any wonder I looked up at him quizzically because I didn't catch half of what he said?
Yes, I got cranky. I was cloudy-headed, my attention was being pulled in several different directions and I just wasn't ready to handle it at that time of the morning. Hubby seemed all put off that I wasn't D0nna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver at 6:30 in the morning. But as the kids say, I just can't handle everybody up in my "grill" that soon after waking up! I start snapping and get frazzled. Not the way I like to start the day.
I realized as everyone got out of my hair that my little Robot from "Lost in Space" was in my head
, swinging his metallic arms and shouting, "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" (I loved "Lost in Space" as a kid. Even then my Gaydar was fully functional, even though I didn't know exactly how to define Dr. Smith, I knew I loved his campiness) We have been in high-stress mode at our house the past three days. Things are starting to come down from the critical mass readings and we can begin to catch our breath. This is my most dangerous time. When I'm in high-stress mode my stomach tightens up and I can't eat; it's when the stress is receding that I begin to be drawn to eating as a consolation.
So I have to be extra vigilant the next few days. I have to find other ways to "treat" myself instead of a box of candy or cinnamon rolls. My official treat for today was allowing myself an extra hour of sleep, and I'm going to keep reminding myself of that as I travel through what looks to be a very hectic day.
It may sound creepy to have a miniature robot in my head. But hey, I'll split into as many personalities as I need to if I can keep from waking up on the kitchen floor with cream cheese frosting all over my face.
Lately I've been exercising Monday-Friday and taking Saturday and Sundays off. I don't think that's working for me -- mainly because I wind up eating too much on the weekends! So this week I thought I'd take Wednesday off, which would then make me feel like I needed to exercise this weekend since I missed a day. Plus, I've been absolutely exhausted Monday and Tuesday nights, and I thought maybe I needed an extra hour of sleep.
I'm thinking it was a mistake. Besides getting my exercise in for the day, there's an added reason I like getting up before the rest of my family: I am NOT a morning person. In my teens my mother rolled her eyes at how cranky I was in the morning, and she learned to back off.
What I've discovered is that I need time in the morning to fully awaken, to get my brain back together after floating in dreamland. I'm just not ready to be in conversations and get bombarded with a lot of information.
Take this morning, for instance. As soon as I get up, here comes daughter into my room (45 minutes before she usually wakes up) saying she's hungry. She follows me downstairs, where husband's getting ready to go to work and bombarding me with the game plan for the day, what needs to be done, what I need to do. I'm trying to make my breakfast while daughter's making her food requests in one ear while hubby's in the other ear telling me I'd have to cook dinner again and what I should do. Is it any wonder I looked up at him quizzically because I didn't catch half of what he said?
Yes, I got cranky. I was cloudy-headed, my attention was being pulled in several different directions and I just wasn't ready to handle it at that time of the morning. Hubby seemed all put off that I wasn't D0nna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver at 6:30 in the morning. But as the kids say, I just can't handle everybody up in my "grill" that soon after waking up! I start snapping and get frazzled. Not the way I like to start the day.
I realized as everyone got out of my hair that my little Robot from "Lost in Space" was in my head
, swinging his metallic arms and shouting, "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" (I loved "Lost in Space" as a kid. Even then my Gaydar was fully functional, even though I didn't know exactly how to define Dr. Smith, I knew I loved his campiness) We have been in high-stress mode at our house the past three days. Things are starting to come down from the critical mass readings and we can begin to catch our breath. This is my most dangerous time. When I'm in high-stress mode my stomach tightens up and I can't eat; it's when the stress is receding that I begin to be drawn to eating as a consolation.So I have to be extra vigilant the next few days. I have to find other ways to "treat" myself instead of a box of candy or cinnamon rolls. My official treat for today was allowing myself an extra hour of sleep, and I'm going to keep reminding myself of that as I travel through what looks to be a very hectic day.
It may sound creepy to have a miniature robot in my head. But hey, I'll split into as many personalities as I need to if I can keep from waking up on the kitchen floor with cream cheese frosting all over my face.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Hi, Skinny!
"Hi, Skinny!"
A guy I know said this to me today. He volunteers a lot at the church and stopped by the office to pick up something.
I'm never sure quite how to react to a greeting like that. I am by no means "skinny" according to the most widely accepted concept of the word. A lot of people at my weight have reached their all-time heaviest; it's the worst they've felt and looked their entire lives. It's the depressing, embarrassing before photo in their weight loss story. Yet for me, it's the smallest I've been in years. I don't doubt I'm currently the most physically fit I've ever been (not to say there isn't room for improvement). How can one weight be so drastically different?
On Monday another member of the congregation called the office and after taking care of business asked how I was feeling. I assumed she meant after my neck surgery, but she was unaware I had it. "I just noticed you've lost so much weight..." she replied hesitantly.
My bizarre reply: "Oh, that was just exercising and watching what I eat."
JUST?!?! What the heck is that? That's like the Chinese saying "Oh, we just threw a couple rocks together" when talking about building the Great Wall of China. Why do I downplay my accomplishments? It's not like I'm Amish and prohibited from demonstrating any kind of pride.
But after this phone call I had to laugh to myself that this woman had assumed I must have been very ill for me to lose so much weight. Because five years ago I was pretty much convinced the only way I was ever going to get below 290 again was if I caught some kind of "wasting" disease that prevented me from absorbing any nutrients out of my food. Ever read the Stephen King book "Thinner?" How many of you had the fleeting thought, "maybe I can tick off some gypsy woman so she can curse me to lose weight!"
So here I am, 15 pounds away from the 199-200 threshold. So how come most of the time I don't feel any differently than I did at 315? Now, as soon as I type this I know it's not entirely true. There are so many reminders every day that I am no longer that size. Just a few off the top of my head that I noticed today:
Visible veins and tendons in my hands and feet
Noticeable jaw line and cheekbones
My "fat" clothes are now my 18/20s, not the 30/32s
Initiating a running race with my daughter (she still won, but I had to stop and turn around because my favorite butterscotch flavored lip balm fell out of my pocket!)
But still, I look at myself and see enormity, flabby and floppy parts that you aren't ever going to see on "America's T0p M0del" or whatever it's called.
Basically, I look at myself and think, "There's still so much fat there. I've lost over 100 pounds, but..."
That's the story of my life, really. Never seeming to do quite enough. Like the report card I brought home. Almost every grade was an A, but the comment I received? "What about this B+ on here?" I learned at an early age that no matter how well I did, my faults would always overshadow my accomplishments.
For a long time (let's face it, most of my life) the most obvious fault was being fat. "She's so smart, so funny, so efficient, so nice, such a beautiful face, but." No matter how many A's I achieved, that B+ was hanging off my bones for the world to gawk at.
And I admit, the quest to be perfect was (and still is) exhausting. The perfect respite? Cookie dough! Pizzas! Bowls of gnocchi with Alfredo! It was my comfort, my rebellion, my all-in-all.
It's been hard learning that I can't be perfect and to accept my flaws. Even harder to understand that people will still like me despite my imperfections. It's part of that gradual shift in my life to stand up for myself, to give myself credit for what I can do, and to find new ways to console and fortify myself.
The last three days have been so amazingly stressful. While I did overeat a little Sunday, it was minimal to previous episodes, and since then I've been able to navigate the daily bouts of nerves and anxiety without running to the store and buying the tube of cookie dough. Writing here has helped a lot -- expressing my feelings and analyzing them has become the most sure-fire method of preventing a binge. It takes the urgency away, the almost animal-like instinct to rip into a hunk of meat and gnaw on it.
Now it's time to go make me supper. Anyone who has read some previous posts on my cooking adventures knows I face a review from my husband, the expert, award-winning cook (no joke). Hopefully I can fill Hubby's belly and get a thumb's up! But if I don't? What do I expect? No one ever trusts a "skinny" cook!
A guy I know said this to me today. He volunteers a lot at the church and stopped by the office to pick up something.
I'm never sure quite how to react to a greeting like that. I am by no means "skinny" according to the most widely accepted concept of the word. A lot of people at my weight have reached their all-time heaviest; it's the worst they've felt and looked their entire lives. It's the depressing, embarrassing before photo in their weight loss story. Yet for me, it's the smallest I've been in years. I don't doubt I'm currently the most physically fit I've ever been (not to say there isn't room for improvement). How can one weight be so drastically different?
On Monday another member of the congregation called the office and after taking care of business asked how I was feeling. I assumed she meant after my neck surgery, but she was unaware I had it. "I just noticed you've lost so much weight..." she replied hesitantly.
My bizarre reply: "Oh, that was just exercising and watching what I eat."
JUST?!?! What the heck is that? That's like the Chinese saying "Oh, we just threw a couple rocks together" when talking about building the Great Wall of China. Why do I downplay my accomplishments? It's not like I'm Amish and prohibited from demonstrating any kind of pride.
But after this phone call I had to laugh to myself that this woman had assumed I must have been very ill for me to lose so much weight. Because five years ago I was pretty much convinced the only way I was ever going to get below 290 again was if I caught some kind of "wasting" disease that prevented me from absorbing any nutrients out of my food. Ever read the Stephen King book "Thinner?" How many of you had the fleeting thought, "maybe I can tick off some gypsy woman so she can curse me to lose weight!"
So here I am, 15 pounds away from the 199-200 threshold. So how come most of the time I don't feel any differently than I did at 315? Now, as soon as I type this I know it's not entirely true. There are so many reminders every day that I am no longer that size. Just a few off the top of my head that I noticed today:
Visible veins and tendons in my hands and feet
Noticeable jaw line and cheekbones
My "fat" clothes are now my 18/20s, not the 30/32s
Initiating a running race with my daughter (she still won, but I had to stop and turn around because my favorite butterscotch flavored lip balm fell out of my pocket!)
But still, I look at myself and see enormity, flabby and floppy parts that you aren't ever going to see on "America's T0p M0del" or whatever it's called.
Basically, I look at myself and think, "There's still so much fat there. I've lost over 100 pounds, but..."
That's the story of my life, really. Never seeming to do quite enough. Like the report card I brought home. Almost every grade was an A, but the comment I received? "What about this B+ on here?" I learned at an early age that no matter how well I did, my faults would always overshadow my accomplishments.
For a long time (let's face it, most of my life) the most obvious fault was being fat. "She's so smart, so funny, so efficient, so nice, such a beautiful face, but." No matter how many A's I achieved, that B+ was hanging off my bones for the world to gawk at.
And I admit, the quest to be perfect was (and still is) exhausting. The perfect respite? Cookie dough! Pizzas! Bowls of gnocchi with Alfredo! It was my comfort, my rebellion, my all-in-all.
It's been hard learning that I can't be perfect and to accept my flaws. Even harder to understand that people will still like me despite my imperfections. It's part of that gradual shift in my life to stand up for myself, to give myself credit for what I can do, and to find new ways to console and fortify myself.
The last three days have been so amazingly stressful. While I did overeat a little Sunday, it was minimal to previous episodes, and since then I've been able to navigate the daily bouts of nerves and anxiety without running to the store and buying the tube of cookie dough. Writing here has helped a lot -- expressing my feelings and analyzing them has become the most sure-fire method of preventing a binge. It takes the urgency away, the almost animal-like instinct to rip into a hunk of meat and gnaw on it.
Now it's time to go make me supper. Anyone who has read some previous posts on my cooking adventures knows I face a review from my husband, the expert, award-winning cook (no joke). Hopefully I can fill Hubby's belly and get a thumb's up! But if I don't? What do I expect? No one ever trusts a "skinny" cook!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fair to Middling
Had a close call today. Got home, made myself my measured out lunch, then found myself opening up the foil with yesterday's leftover pizza inside. I looked at it, and looked at it, then took out the smallest piece. As I warmed it up I deliberately packed up the rest and put it back in the refrigerator.
Some might say, "Shame on you. You paused, yet you still ate it. You had a chance to put it back, or even throw it away. But you ate it."
But I can't put myself in that perfectionist mode right now. I'm happy I picked out the smallest piece. I'm glad I put the rest away. And I'm relieved the rest of the day went without incident. Eating the one piece didn't give me the WANTS and drive me to eat everything in the house. Instead I seemed pacified with the morsel I allowed myself. I wasn't jonesing at supper time, and I had a portioned, planned snack this evening. And I feel satisfied that I didn't "ruin" the day with one piece of cheese pizza.
Yep, I'm not perfect, but under the circumstances, I'm okay with "fair to middling." It's what's going to get me through the next few stressful weeks. And from what I'm reading, this is what helps keep the big weight gains off in the long run. No one can live in "diet" mode forever; studies have shown it causes rebounding binge eating and changes personality. It's the lifestyle changes, the behavioral changes and emotional coping skills that get to the root of the problem.
I'll have to post more about this tomorrow. I got my Oprah magazine today and there are some pretty interesting articles in there about this subject. But it's time to get the pipsqueak to bed and finish up my chores for the evening.
Some might say, "Shame on you. You paused, yet you still ate it. You had a chance to put it back, or even throw it away. But you ate it."
But I can't put myself in that perfectionist mode right now. I'm happy I picked out the smallest piece. I'm glad I put the rest away. And I'm relieved the rest of the day went without incident. Eating the one piece didn't give me the WANTS and drive me to eat everything in the house. Instead I seemed pacified with the morsel I allowed myself. I wasn't jonesing at supper time, and I had a portioned, planned snack this evening. And I feel satisfied that I didn't "ruin" the day with one piece of cheese pizza.
Yep, I'm not perfect, but under the circumstances, I'm okay with "fair to middling." It's what's going to get me through the next few stressful weeks. And from what I'm reading, this is what helps keep the big weight gains off in the long run. No one can live in "diet" mode forever; studies have shown it causes rebounding binge eating and changes personality. It's the lifestyle changes, the behavioral changes and emotional coping skills that get to the root of the problem.
I'll have to post more about this tomorrow. I got my Oprah magazine today and there are some pretty interesting articles in there about this subject. But it's time to get the pipsqueak to bed and finish up my chores for the evening.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Disaster Strikes
What a day. Chaos and anxiety to the extreme!
I got home from church, changed into "work" clothes and headed over to the new house to see how much work Hubby and his Dad had accomplished that morning. Little did I know I was walking into the House of Horrors.
The coupler (don't ask me for an explanation of this device) went out on the gas furnace sometime during the past five days... five days of brutal winter weather and at least one evening low of around 10 degrees F. The house was like a meat locker; all the pipes were frozen; the water in the downstairs toilet was frozen solid; three of our hot water radiators burst from the ice inside of them; as the house thaws we're waiting to see how the plumbing held out, but so far so good.
Since we haven't officially taken possession of the house yet (the sales agreement is signed, but the official closing/transfer of the deed isn't taking place until 2007), we're hoping the current owner's home owner's insurance will cover the cost of two repairmen working there on a Sunday. Plus replacement of radiators and pipes. EEK! I don't want to think about it.
Forget about food plans and counting calories. We were too busy gathering towels, hairdryers, electric heaters, mops and pans to catch dripping water. Our good friends live three doors down from the new house and were gracious enough to let Mabel hang out while we were trying to assess the damage. We basically grabbed what food we could get quickly and easily -- a piece of candy as I drove on my endless trips for more supplies; some cookies sent over from the neighbors; delivered pizza because we had no time for a sit down meal.
So yeah, my eating has not been spectacular today. Pretty lousy, actually. But I was hungry and I ate what was available. I wasn't about to stop in the middle of mopping the kitchen floor to tell the guys I was going home to make a salad.
I can't tell whether the queasy feeling in my stomach is from the crappy food I ate or all the anxiety I've been through today. Probably a little of both. I'm just grateful that it wasn't worse: all of the downstairs radiators seem to have escaped breakage; the furnace just shut down instead of catching fire or exploding; nothing of any sentimental value was damaged. It's all just things. Things can be replaced.
I guess something similar could be said about the eating. So I ate some less than ideal food for a day. Sometimes circumstances force you to fall short of your initial plans. But there's always another day to get it right. Things will be calmer tomorrow. Probably not very much fun, but less chaotic. This too shall pass.
I got home from church, changed into "work" clothes and headed over to the new house to see how much work Hubby and his Dad had accomplished that morning. Little did I know I was walking into the House of Horrors.
The coupler (don't ask me for an explanation of this device) went out on the gas furnace sometime during the past five days... five days of brutal winter weather and at least one evening low of around 10 degrees F. The house was like a meat locker; all the pipes were frozen; the water in the downstairs toilet was frozen solid; three of our hot water radiators burst from the ice inside of them; as the house thaws we're waiting to see how the plumbing held out, but so far so good.
Since we haven't officially taken possession of the house yet (the sales agreement is signed, but the official closing/transfer of the deed isn't taking place until 2007), we're hoping the current owner's home owner's insurance will cover the cost of two repairmen working there on a Sunday. Plus replacement of radiators and pipes. EEK! I don't want to think about it.
Forget about food plans and counting calories. We were too busy gathering towels, hairdryers, electric heaters, mops and pans to catch dripping water. Our good friends live three doors down from the new house and were gracious enough to let Mabel hang out while we were trying to assess the damage. We basically grabbed what food we could get quickly and easily -- a piece of candy as I drove on my endless trips for more supplies; some cookies sent over from the neighbors; delivered pizza because we had no time for a sit down meal.
So yeah, my eating has not been spectacular today. Pretty lousy, actually. But I was hungry and I ate what was available. I wasn't about to stop in the middle of mopping the kitchen floor to tell the guys I was going home to make a salad.
I can't tell whether the queasy feeling in my stomach is from the crappy food I ate or all the anxiety I've been through today. Probably a little of both. I'm just grateful that it wasn't worse: all of the downstairs radiators seem to have escaped breakage; the furnace just shut down instead of catching fire or exploding; nothing of any sentimental value was damaged. It's all just things. Things can be replaced.
I guess something similar could be said about the eating. So I ate some less than ideal food for a day. Sometimes circumstances force you to fall short of your initial plans. But there's always another day to get it right. Things will be calmer tomorrow. Probably not very much fun, but less chaotic. This too shall pass.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Week Ten Weigh In
Wow have I been cranky! I've been biting heads off, irritable and foul.
There's a lot of things attributing to this: holiday preparations at home and work (this is a very busy time of year for a church secretary!), moving, family stuff, and this weight loss odyssey. There's a hell of a lot going on, the stress is climbing, and I'm feeling it. Oh, and expressing it.
That's a big deal for me, to express my emotions. It's taken me a lot of time to learn that it's okay to be angry. It took me until my 20s to figure out that if I get mad at somebody and chew them out, they won't hate me forever and the relationship is over. I'll never forget flipping out on my best friend from my college days; I was depending on her for something and she let me down, so for once I let her know about it. I was sure the friendship was over, but instead she sent me flowers the next day! I was shocked, and I learned for the first time what the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" really meant. How can anyone know what you want or what upsets you unless you tell them?
The problem is, in the family I grew up in, you could risk severing a relationship permanently by saying or revealing the wrong things. My father and his older brother haven't been on speaking terms for the majority of my life; this same uncle disowned himself from the entire family not long ago. And my father's relationship with his baby brother isn't much better.
I once came fairly close to the ax myself. One evening I looked at my father the wrong way after he did something totally repugnant to one of my other family members right in front of me. I proceeded to get a drunken tirade consisting of "how dare you disapprove of me" and "there's things you've done I don't approve of," blah blah blah. I walked out of the house that night and didn't talk to the man for months. And that was just because I looked at him funny! So you can sort of see why I've had a hard time expressing myself to others.
It doesn't help that my Hubby sends me totally mixed messages. He's always after me to talk to him more about what I'm feeling, to express myself instead of holding everything in. But God forbid if I'm cranky! I get lectured about being so irritable, then told "maybe I should just cancel buying this house if it's going to stress you out so much." One day I'm told not to hold things in, then I'm scolded if I let myself get crabby. I can't win!
Granted, biting other people's heads off isn't the best way to get my needs met. But as I've also learned over the years, sometimes you need to smack a mule over the head with a 2x4 to get its attention (my apologies to those animal rights people out there, I don't really hit beasts of burden with lumber!). I can be Miss Polite, Queen of Tact, nicely asking someone time and time again to "please not do that again," but I tend to be ignored. However, if I flip my lid and holler about it, suddenly everyone looks around dazedly and says, "Gee, I didn't know it bothered you so much!"
Like last night. Hubby gets home from his trip with a load of stuff from $am'$ Club. In he walks with the giant barrel of cheese balls, and I can't help but make a face. "What?" he queries innocently, "I thought you didn't like them."
"I don't like them because if they're around I can't stop eating them!"
"But I thought I did good by getting something that wouldn't tempt you," he replied.
So we go out for dinner. Half of the reason I was cranky was because I have really learned to detest eating out. If I want to eat healthy my options are so limited, and even then I usually have to make special requests. The restaurant we went to offers a vegetarian chili, but serves it on a bed of (white) rice. So I had to ask to have the rice on the side so I could give it to my daughter. Yes, it wasn't an elaborate crazy request, but I'm just the type of person who has always tried to be low-maintenance and has always rolled my eyes at the people who order their food with a million instructions attached.
Then we went to the grocery store. I was so glad we went after the meal so I wasn't ravenously hungry and compelled to buy lots of trigger foods. However. To get to the meat section from the produce section you're pretty much forced to go by the bakery. Hubby walks up to a display table of pies and says, "Which one of these would be the least likely to tempt you?"
If looks could kill... I quickly snapped, "None of them!" I guess he got the hint, because we left without a trace of pie in our cart.
I hate getting angry about this, but he has been told nicely time and time again to please not drag a bunch of junk food home. I don't care what he eats (I mean I do, but I'm not his mother and I'm not going to order him to only eat carrot sticks), but please don't rub my nose in it. And don't leave enough lying around for me to get into when I'm alone! I now have this barrel (and I do mean it -- the thing's huge) sitting in my house, taunting me. I can almost hear it going "neener-neener-neener" at me as I walk by. That's hard enough. But if I had 3/4 of a pie sitting on the kitchen counter winking it's flaky, buttery crust at me, too? Forget it. This afternoon you'd find me in the corner like Little Jack Horner.
But folks, the crankiness paid off! This morning I was thrilled and amazed to see 215 on the scale! Yippee! A four-pound loss from last week! I could hardly believe it. But I had been spectacularly good all week, with food and exercise. It's so nice when it you get rewarded like that.
Now I don't expect any more big losses like that anytime soon. I know I was still coming off the Thanksgiving blow-out, so there was more to p*ss away, so to speak. I'm sure I'll go back to the 1.5, 2 pound losses now. And with Christmas just around the bend? My goal for Jan. 1 is to still be in the teens -- even if it's 219.5 -- and I'm going to do my darndest to achieve it.
Time to go -- Mabel's the Fourth Angel in our church's Christmas play and they have practice this afternoon. My little diva also volunteered to sing "The First Noel" as a solo and somehow got me suckered in to play piano for her! Wish me and my little singing sensation good luck!
There's a lot of things attributing to this: holiday preparations at home and work (this is a very busy time of year for a church secretary!), moving, family stuff, and this weight loss odyssey. There's a hell of a lot going on, the stress is climbing, and I'm feeling it. Oh, and expressing it.
That's a big deal for me, to express my emotions. It's taken me a lot of time to learn that it's okay to be angry. It took me until my 20s to figure out that if I get mad at somebody and chew them out, they won't hate me forever and the relationship is over. I'll never forget flipping out on my best friend from my college days; I was depending on her for something and she let me down, so for once I let her know about it. I was sure the friendship was over, but instead she sent me flowers the next day! I was shocked, and I learned for the first time what the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" really meant. How can anyone know what you want or what upsets you unless you tell them?
The problem is, in the family I grew up in, you could risk severing a relationship permanently by saying or revealing the wrong things. My father and his older brother haven't been on speaking terms for the majority of my life; this same uncle disowned himself from the entire family not long ago. And my father's relationship with his baby brother isn't much better.
I once came fairly close to the ax myself. One evening I looked at my father the wrong way after he did something totally repugnant to one of my other family members right in front of me. I proceeded to get a drunken tirade consisting of "how dare you disapprove of me" and "there's things you've done I don't approve of," blah blah blah. I walked out of the house that night and didn't talk to the man for months. And that was just because I looked at him funny! So you can sort of see why I've had a hard time expressing myself to others.
It doesn't help that my Hubby sends me totally mixed messages. He's always after me to talk to him more about what I'm feeling, to express myself instead of holding everything in. But God forbid if I'm cranky! I get lectured about being so irritable, then told "maybe I should just cancel buying this house if it's going to stress you out so much." One day I'm told not to hold things in, then I'm scolded if I let myself get crabby. I can't win!
Granted, biting other people's heads off isn't the best way to get my needs met. But as I've also learned over the years, sometimes you need to smack a mule over the head with a 2x4 to get its attention (my apologies to those animal rights people out there, I don't really hit beasts of burden with lumber!). I can be Miss Polite, Queen of Tact, nicely asking someone time and time again to "please not do that again," but I tend to be ignored. However, if I flip my lid and holler about it, suddenly everyone looks around dazedly and says, "Gee, I didn't know it bothered you so much!"
Like last night. Hubby gets home from his trip with a load of stuff from $am'$ Club. In he walks with the giant barrel of cheese balls, and I can't help but make a face. "What?" he queries innocently, "I thought you didn't like them."
"I don't like them because if they're around I can't stop eating them!"
"But I thought I did good by getting something that wouldn't tempt you," he replied.
So we go out for dinner. Half of the reason I was cranky was because I have really learned to detest eating out. If I want to eat healthy my options are so limited, and even then I usually have to make special requests. The restaurant we went to offers a vegetarian chili, but serves it on a bed of (white) rice. So I had to ask to have the rice on the side so I could give it to my daughter. Yes, it wasn't an elaborate crazy request, but I'm just the type of person who has always tried to be low-maintenance and has always rolled my eyes at the people who order their food with a million instructions attached.
Then we went to the grocery store. I was so glad we went after the meal so I wasn't ravenously hungry and compelled to buy lots of trigger foods. However. To get to the meat section from the produce section you're pretty much forced to go by the bakery. Hubby walks up to a display table of pies and says, "Which one of these would be the least likely to tempt you?"
If looks could kill... I quickly snapped, "None of them!" I guess he got the hint, because we left without a trace of pie in our cart.
I hate getting angry about this, but he has been told nicely time and time again to please not drag a bunch of junk food home. I don't care what he eats (I mean I do, but I'm not his mother and I'm not going to order him to only eat carrot sticks), but please don't rub my nose in it. And don't leave enough lying around for me to get into when I'm alone! I now have this barrel (and I do mean it -- the thing's huge) sitting in my house, taunting me. I can almost hear it going "neener-neener-neener" at me as I walk by. That's hard enough. But if I had 3/4 of a pie sitting on the kitchen counter winking it's flaky, buttery crust at me, too? Forget it. This afternoon you'd find me in the corner like Little Jack Horner.
But folks, the crankiness paid off! This morning I was thrilled and amazed to see 215 on the scale! Yippee! A four-pound loss from last week! I could hardly believe it. But I had been spectacularly good all week, with food and exercise. It's so nice when it you get rewarded like that.
Now I don't expect any more big losses like that anytime soon. I know I was still coming off the Thanksgiving blow-out, so there was more to p*ss away, so to speak. I'm sure I'll go back to the 1.5, 2 pound losses now. And with Christmas just around the bend? My goal for Jan. 1 is to still be in the teens -- even if it's 219.5 -- and I'm going to do my darndest to achieve it.
Time to go -- Mabel's the Fourth Angel in our church's Christmas play and they have practice this afternoon. My little diva also volunteered to sing "The First Noel" as a solo and somehow got me suckered in to play piano for her! Wish me and my little singing sensation good luck!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Vote for Diet Girl!
I just found out one of my favorite blogs, The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl!, has been nominated in the Best Medical/Health Issues Blog category of the 2006 Weblog Awards.
I said I'd do my part and get my loyal readers (all two or three of you, bless your hearts!) to vote for her, too. So please click below
Digging Myself Out
Well, we didn't get as much snow as the weatherman predicted, but we still got enough to shovel. Which is what I did this afternoon.
Shoveling snow is similar to mowing grass -- while I don't look forward to doing it, there's a sense of accomplishment when you stop and look at the work you've done. Plus, it's extra physical activity, which is an added benefit. These kind of tasks often work muscles you don't use regularly, and today I could feel it in my obliques and lower back as I cleared my sidewalks. If the snow keeps up, which the Farmer's Almanac is predicting, I could get myself even more toned by spring!
There's also something to be said to getting some physical activity in the afternoons. That tends to be my "slump" time and I get tired and lazy. It's hard for me to get the motivation to exercise that time of day, but maybe I can start incorporating snow shoveling. If it's getting some house maintenance done while I'm exercising, maybe I'll be more prone to do it. I do love to multitask.
Another Friday has arrived, which means another Weekend Game Plan. I know these haven't been hugely successful so far, but I've at least made attempts, and I think a few things are starting to work. It's better than making no plan at all, right?
Hubby just called from the Pennsylvania Turnpike, telling me when he gets home in 45 minutes we might go out to eat. I guess I should have had a meal made for when he came home, but this morning when he left he wasn't sure if he'd even be home for supper. I was just going to do something very simple for myself and Mabel -- a little soup, maybe a sandwich -- but Hubby is from the old school of "meat and potatoes," a formal sit-down supper. So I'll have to hop through this little obstacle course to find a healthy meal.
The weekend isn't too dangerous -- yet. Hubby's got his last day of deer season tomorrow, so he'll be hunting all day. Mabel's got acrobatics at 11, so I thought the two of us would go shopping after that and get any last minute gifts we haven't bought yet. Supper's a crap shoot, so it's up to me to make it a healthy one. Sunday has no major events, which probably means the in-laws will want to go out for lunch. Again. Sigh... I escaped this last Sunday, so I doubt I'll be able to find some excuses to opt out this weekend. Of course, I did terribly last Sunday night, so maybe I'd be better off if I was around others so I wouldn't feel like overeating.
My goal is to avoid any binges this weekend. I plan to exercise at least Saturday, possibly Sunday, too. I plan to eat healthy breakfasts and make the best choices I can for lunches and dinner. Fortunately I don't have any "danger" foods in the house right now, so I think with a little forethought and determination I can get to Monday without any major derailments.
Not very positive about the weigh-in tomorrow. The unofficial scale readings this week have been pretty stagnant, so I'm not anticipating a big loss. However, I'm not expecting a gain, either, so I'll take what I can get.
Shoveling snow is similar to mowing grass -- while I don't look forward to doing it, there's a sense of accomplishment when you stop and look at the work you've done. Plus, it's extra physical activity, which is an added benefit. These kind of tasks often work muscles you don't use regularly, and today I could feel it in my obliques and lower back as I cleared my sidewalks. If the snow keeps up, which the Farmer's Almanac is predicting, I could get myself even more toned by spring!
There's also something to be said to getting some physical activity in the afternoons. That tends to be my "slump" time and I get tired and lazy. It's hard for me to get the motivation to exercise that time of day, but maybe I can start incorporating snow shoveling. If it's getting some house maintenance done while I'm exercising, maybe I'll be more prone to do it. I do love to multitask.
Another Friday has arrived, which means another Weekend Game Plan. I know these haven't been hugely successful so far, but I've at least made attempts, and I think a few things are starting to work. It's better than making no plan at all, right?
Hubby just called from the Pennsylvania Turnpike, telling me when he gets home in 45 minutes we might go out to eat. I guess I should have had a meal made for when he came home, but this morning when he left he wasn't sure if he'd even be home for supper. I was just going to do something very simple for myself and Mabel -- a little soup, maybe a sandwich -- but Hubby is from the old school of "meat and potatoes," a formal sit-down supper. So I'll have to hop through this little obstacle course to find a healthy meal.
The weekend isn't too dangerous -- yet. Hubby's got his last day of deer season tomorrow, so he'll be hunting all day. Mabel's got acrobatics at 11, so I thought the two of us would go shopping after that and get any last minute gifts we haven't bought yet. Supper's a crap shoot, so it's up to me to make it a healthy one. Sunday has no major events, which probably means the in-laws will want to go out for lunch. Again. Sigh... I escaped this last Sunday, so I doubt I'll be able to find some excuses to opt out this weekend. Of course, I did terribly last Sunday night, so maybe I'd be better off if I was around others so I wouldn't feel like overeating.
My goal is to avoid any binges this weekend. I plan to exercise at least Saturday, possibly Sunday, too. I plan to eat healthy breakfasts and make the best choices I can for lunches and dinner. Fortunately I don't have any "danger" foods in the house right now, so I think with a little forethought and determination I can get to Monday without any major derailments.
Not very positive about the weigh-in tomorrow. The unofficial scale readings this week have been pretty stagnant, so I'm not anticipating a big loss. However, I'm not expecting a gain, either, so I'll take what I can get.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Am I Bored? Or procrastinating?
Yes, I got bored. Plus I got sick of Blogger pestering me about switching to Beta. So I did it. I picked a new template and added some new things.
I think I like the lighter background. The old one was kind of dark, and since this time of year I'm easily drawn into depression, I figured I'd brighten things up a bit.
I'm also adding links to some of my favorite blogs -- I'm sure I'll add more as I remember them or find new ones.
I'm debating about putting a section with my current statistics, goals, etc. Another future project.
I suppose I could have been wrapping presents, cleaning my house, all kinds of nice, housewifey things. But I had to release my inner computer geek. It's also called procrastination. Hey, at least I'm not eating!
By the way, so far it's another "low drama" day. Could it be that sitting in front of that sunshine stimulator for five hours a day at work is boosting my serotonin levels? Hey, even if it's in my mind, I'm good with that. Placebo effect? Count me in! Whatever keeps me from the winter malaise, followed by the cold weather binge eating.
Gotta' go get the kid. I'm taking the car because it's snowing like a "mofo" out there, and I'm a big scaredy cat about slipping and dislocating my knee for the 40th time!
I think I like the lighter background. The old one was kind of dark, and since this time of year I'm easily drawn into depression, I figured I'd brighten things up a bit.
I'm also adding links to some of my favorite blogs -- I'm sure I'll add more as I remember them or find new ones.
I'm debating about putting a section with my current statistics, goals, etc. Another future project.
I suppose I could have been wrapping presents, cleaning my house, all kinds of nice, housewifey things. But I had to release my inner computer geek. It's also called procrastination. Hey, at least I'm not eating!
By the way, so far it's another "low drama" day. Could it be that sitting in front of that sunshine stimulator for five hours a day at work is boosting my serotonin levels? Hey, even if it's in my mind, I'm good with that. Placebo effect? Count me in! Whatever keeps me from the winter malaise, followed by the cold weather binge eating.
Gotta' go get the kid. I'm taking the car because it's snowing like a "mofo" out there, and I'm a big scaredy cat about slipping and dislocating my knee for the 40th time!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Where's the Drama, Mama?
Not a lot to post today. Things are going smoothly with food and exercise, I've been kept busy with work and the new house. We finally have a signed sales agreement, so we can finally say we are definitely buying the house -- good thing, since I've already packed a huge chunk of our belongings!
Wish I had more to say. I'm not really stressed, or depressed, I'm just kind of "here." No pressing thoughts or ideas, no major cravings or issues. I suppose that's a good thing, huh? It's kind of nice to not have any major drama, at least for a day.
Wish I had more to say. I'm not really stressed, or depressed, I'm just kind of "here." No pressing thoughts or ideas, no major cravings or issues. I suppose that's a good thing, huh? It's kind of nice to not have any major drama, at least for a day.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
To Substitute or Abstain?
One of my regular commenters, Vickie, has been giving me great advice, opinions and perspectives. In response to yesterday's post about making cookies, she queried:
"Do eating the healthier cookies REALLY solve the problem? - you truly can eat just a couple and NOT turn ON the WANTS and have the WANTS spill into the rest of your eating, later that day, the next day or even later in the week?...I can't figure out if you guys all really CAN - or if you just THINK you can and then when you (you all not you personally) have 'food problems' later in the week it is cause and effect."
What a good question. It's definitely something that crosses my mind.
This losing weight thing has been a huge collection of trial and error, tweaking and adjusting -- Jonathan writes about it so well today:
"...I think the same is true for my weight management behaviors. There are so many things that worked quite well for a period of time and then just stopped. And every time that I tried to force myself to go back to them, I would feel both frustrated (‘damn, why did this work last time and not now?’) and bored.
"Some foods that I liked and which were satisfying and tasty for a while, either became boring or else turned into trigger foods. For almost a year I ate a Clif bar every day on my way to the gym to boost my energy and fill me up. Now I hardly ever have one at all, and am more likely to drink water before working out."
In my experience, if I pre-plan, if I have a variety of food available that is healthy and most importantly tastes good, I'm more likely to eat sensibly. When I haven't planned ahead, when there's nothing healthy or "safe" to eat, then I fall into trouble. And I've figured out I get the WANTS the most when I feel deprived, when I tell myself certain things are completely off limits. No more desserts? Then that's the thing I want the most, and like a petulant, rebellious child I will go for the fattiest, most sugar-laden thing I can find.
Throughout my late teens and 20s one of the few ways I knew how to comfort myself was to make myself a "treat" -- apple crisp, strawberry shortcake, cupcakes, chocolate chip cookie dough. I truly think half the reason this made me feel better was the fact I was making the time to do something for myself. I've always been guilty of being a people pleaser, often to my own detriment, and this was a time I put myself first.
It's hard to put away all those old methods, so I've tried to adjust it to make it less fattening. Early on in the journey I made myself a lot of sugar free gelatin or sugar-free fat-free pudding, or had lots of the 100 calorie-snack packs in the house. That worked great for a while, but the more I looked at the ingredient lists, I wasn't that impressed with what I was putting in my body.
So now I've moved on to these fiber-rich treats. Yesterday I made both batches, and they did not send me into an eating frenzy. I ate two of the Krispymallow bars in the afternoon (about 80 calories total), had a very good and healthy supper, then that evening I ate one of the Chocolate Haystacks (about 75 calories). While they tasted great, I wasn't driven to eat more and they weren't calling my name. I wasn't tempted to finish the whole container like I am when there's a box of "regular" candy or cookies in the house.
In fact, when I go to the "trouble" of making myself these treats, I find myself rationing them out so they last longer. Is it because I want the effort I made to do something for myself last as long as possible? Maybe.
Maybe Vickie's right and I'm kidding myself; by substituting "healthy" cookies for the regular ones, am I like an alcoholic who drinks "non-alcoholic" beer (which I think still contains a minute amount of alcohol)? It comes down to the choice of substitution or abstinence.
This leads to the debate over food addiction. I've read a lot about this, and there are experts on both sides of the issue who either agree or disagree that food (mainly sugar) can be an addictive substance. I don't know where I stand on this issue, but I think in my situation it's more about the emotions and behavior behind the eating and not the actual type of food. Because I can overeat with almost anything, depending on my mood and location.
I don't think I have an absolute answer to this, but I thank Vickie for bringing it to my attention, and I'll keep an eye on this.
Yesterday went great, by the way. Exercise and food were both right on target. And I'm doubly impressed because I wound up being in an "intense discussion" (not an argument) with Hubby last night over reoccuring issues that came to a head. We talked it out and made some progress, which is good. I'm even happier that I initiated this discussion rather than suppressing my frustration and anger, and I didn't stuff it down or make myself feel better with food.
Today's also starting with a postive outlook, so with any luck, I've got smooth sailing for the next few days and can get back on track before Christmas rears its massive sugar frosted head.
"Do eating the healthier cookies REALLY solve the problem? - you truly can eat just a couple and NOT turn ON the WANTS and have the WANTS spill into the rest of your eating, later that day, the next day or even later in the week?...I can't figure out if you guys all really CAN - or if you just THINK you can and then when you (you all not you personally) have 'food problems' later in the week it is cause and effect."
What a good question. It's definitely something that crosses my mind.
This losing weight thing has been a huge collection of trial and error, tweaking and adjusting -- Jonathan writes about it so well today:
"...I think the same is true for my weight management behaviors. There are so many things that worked quite well for a period of time and then just stopped. And every time that I tried to force myself to go back to them, I would feel both frustrated (‘damn, why did this work last time and not now?’) and bored.
"Some foods that I liked and which were satisfying and tasty for a while, either became boring or else turned into trigger foods. For almost a year I ate a Clif bar every day on my way to the gym to boost my energy and fill me up. Now I hardly ever have one at all, and am more likely to drink water before working out."
In my experience, if I pre-plan, if I have a variety of food available that is healthy and most importantly tastes good, I'm more likely to eat sensibly. When I haven't planned ahead, when there's nothing healthy or "safe" to eat, then I fall into trouble. And I've figured out I get the WANTS the most when I feel deprived, when I tell myself certain things are completely off limits. No more desserts? Then that's the thing I want the most, and like a petulant, rebellious child I will go for the fattiest, most sugar-laden thing I can find.
Throughout my late teens and 20s one of the few ways I knew how to comfort myself was to make myself a "treat" -- apple crisp, strawberry shortcake, cupcakes, chocolate chip cookie dough. I truly think half the reason this made me feel better was the fact I was making the time to do something for myself. I've always been guilty of being a people pleaser, often to my own detriment, and this was a time I put myself first.
It's hard to put away all those old methods, so I've tried to adjust it to make it less fattening. Early on in the journey I made myself a lot of sugar free gelatin or sugar-free fat-free pudding, or had lots of the 100 calorie-snack packs in the house. That worked great for a while, but the more I looked at the ingredient lists, I wasn't that impressed with what I was putting in my body.
So now I've moved on to these fiber-rich treats. Yesterday I made both batches, and they did not send me into an eating frenzy. I ate two of the Krispymallow bars in the afternoon (about 80 calories total), had a very good and healthy supper, then that evening I ate one of the Chocolate Haystacks (about 75 calories). While they tasted great, I wasn't driven to eat more and they weren't calling my name. I wasn't tempted to finish the whole container like I am when there's a box of "regular" candy or cookies in the house.
In fact, when I go to the "trouble" of making myself these treats, I find myself rationing them out so they last longer. Is it because I want the effort I made to do something for myself last as long as possible? Maybe.
Maybe Vickie's right and I'm kidding myself; by substituting "healthy" cookies for the regular ones, am I like an alcoholic who drinks "non-alcoholic" beer (which I think still contains a minute amount of alcohol)? It comes down to the choice of substitution or abstinence.
This leads to the debate over food addiction. I've read a lot about this, and there are experts on both sides of the issue who either agree or disagree that food (mainly sugar) can be an addictive substance. I don't know where I stand on this issue, but I think in my situation it's more about the emotions and behavior behind the eating and not the actual type of food. Because I can overeat with almost anything, depending on my mood and location.
I don't think I have an absolute answer to this, but I thank Vickie for bringing it to my attention, and I'll keep an eye on this.
Yesterday went great, by the way. Exercise and food were both right on target. And I'm doubly impressed because I wound up being in an "intense discussion" (not an argument) with Hubby last night over reoccuring issues that came to a head. We talked it out and made some progress, which is good. I'm even happier that I initiated this discussion rather than suppressing my frustration and anger, and I didn't stuff it down or make myself feel better with food.
Today's also starting with a postive outlook, so with any luck, I've got smooth sailing for the next few days and can get back on track before Christmas rears its massive sugar frosted head.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Time for Holiday Baking
I thank Vickie for her reply to my previous post recommending I start taking containers of my own food along to restaurants, meals out, etc. In the past I have in fact taken low calorie dressing along to a restaurant that I know doesn't carry any (since then I've started requesting salsa for my salads, which most restaurants carry nowadays), but I'm not sure if I'd have the balls to bring actual food. My need to not stick out is pretty strong.
I have pondered in the past, "Wouldn't it be cool to get hypnotized to be convinced that I was fatally allergic to trans fat, high fructose corn syrup, white bread and pasta (amongst other things) so I wouldn't eat them?" Then it wouldn't be so hard to turn away from them.
But truth be told, Saturday night I had every chance to not overeat; I've eaten with these friends at this very restaurant before and steered clear of all the fatty, carb-laden foods; ordered a salad or baked fish and survived without incident. But as I've learned, some days I've got the strength to fight the good fight, and other days I get weak and succumb to peer pressure.
(I can hear the Diet Blog Mother scolding me, "If your friends ate shards of glass would you do that, too?" I'd sigh and whine, "But, Maaaa, you just don't understand!")
Anyway, Sunday I had no "I was in bad company" excuses for my behavior, and I still did crappy. Oh, breakfast and lunch were fine -- hubby even made me his version of Skinny Soup for lunch before he and my daughter left for the afternoon to go Christmas shopping for me. During the afternoon I packed boxes and made good progress on the moving project. Then I started to eat.
I'm one of those people who can check off almost every box in the eating disorder questionnaire: Do you eat too much when you're with friends? Check. Do you eat too much when you're alone? Check. Do you eat too much when you're happy? Check. Do you eat too much when you're under stress? Check. Do you eat when you're bored? You get the picture.
At first I tried my best to fight the urge. I drank a big glass of water and forced myself to keep packing for another hour. I told myself if I was still hungry after that, I would eat. Well, I managed to do all right for another couple hours, actually. Then supper time came. Hubby called to say they were getting a bite to eat before they came home and asked if I wanted them to bring me something. I declined, knowing they were most likely stopping at a fast food restaurant. But then I went and hit the freezer like a teen hitting the liquor cabinet while the parents are away.
I didn't eat until I was stuffed, or sick, but it was still too much, and the wrong things. (I know, the experts say you shouldn't label food as "good" or "bad", but we all know an individual chicken pot pie is NOT healthy eating. Have you looked at the nutritional information on those things?) It tasted good, but at the end of the evening I questioned if it was really worth it.
As for today? Again, I'm back to my weekday routines. My Weekend Game Plans don't seem to be working too well, although in my defense I've been making some progress with the healthy breakfast and lunch and exercise part of it. Hopefully in following weeks I'll be able to expand on that -- without expanding my waistline!
Of course, I'm now cankle-high into the Christmas season; at Sunday School the kids had Christmas cookies for snack, and at the bank this morning the homemade cookies and candy were out for the pickin'. I abstained, went back to the office and ate my planned snack and lunch.
As you can see from previous posts, it's after lunch that the usual problem arises. This morning I emailed my friend and said I probably wouldn't have time to make Christmas cookies this year. I am the keeper of the family cookie recipes; the Gingerbread Men and Sand Tarts recipes that my grandmother got from her mother, my mother's favorite rum balls, and the classic Peanut Butter Blossoms with the Hershey kisses on top. Of course there's my favorite underdog, the Toll House bars with pecans and butterscotch chips. These cookies tend to slide under the radar with all the fancier ones around, so I wind up getting plenty of my butter pecan fix.
This afternoon as I walked into the house, I had a brainstorm. I quickly grabbed my box of Fiber One Cereal and proceeded to whip up two recipes I recently found on Hungry Girl.
Hershey Bar Haystacks actually come from aimeesadventures.com, which I finally browsed through last week, andI thought was a very nice website. But she had already won my heart with this recipe, which completely satisfies my chocolate/peanut butter addiction without making me gain 20 pounds:
(1 Stack - 71 calories, 4g fat, 12 carbs, 5g fiber, 2g protein - 1 WW point)
1 Cup Fiber One Cereal
1 (1.5 oz.) Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar
1 Tbsp. reduced fat peanut butter, smooth or chunky
Directions:Melt bar and peanut butter in microwave until smooth, at 30-second intervals. Be careful not to burn or overcook. Stir chocolate and peanut butter mixture. Add cereal and gently toss till coated. Drop onto wax paper, making 6 stacks. Refrigerate until chocolate hardens (about 30 minutes). Serves 6.
Krispymallow Treats seems to be an HG originial, and the first recipe I ever made from this website. My 8 year old daughter loves them and begs me to take them in her lunchbox. I will tell you I started adding apple pie spice (mainly cinnamon) to them, which I think makes them even better:
(1 square: 47 calories, <1g fat, 32mg sodium, 11g carbs, 2.5g fiber, 3g sugars, <1g protein = 1/2 Point)
Ingredients:
3 tbsp. Smart Balance 37% Light Buttery Spread
3 cups miniature marshmallows
2 cups Fiber One cereal
5 cups Kashi 7 Whole Grain Puffs or puffed wheat cereal
Directions:
Melt butter spread in a large saucepan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat. Add both cereals. Stir until well coated. Using a spatula, press mixture evenly into a baking pan coated with nonstick cooking spray. Allow to cool. Cut into 25 squares.
These treats taste great to me, and unlike the usual holiday fare, the fiber in them causes you to actually get satisfied from just eating one or two. There both no-bake recipes, so they're quick and easy to make and clean up after, and you aren't burning your fingers on the cookie sheets.
So now I can say I did my "holiday baking." If my husband decides to make a bunch of fattening, refined sugar and flour timebombs, I'll be able to resist without being deprived, grab one of my haystacks or krispymallow bars and still enjoy myself.
I have pondered in the past, "Wouldn't it be cool to get hypnotized to be convinced that I was fatally allergic to trans fat, high fructose corn syrup, white bread and pasta (amongst other things) so I wouldn't eat them?" Then it wouldn't be so hard to turn away from them.
But truth be told, Saturday night I had every chance to not overeat; I've eaten with these friends at this very restaurant before and steered clear of all the fatty, carb-laden foods; ordered a salad or baked fish and survived without incident. But as I've learned, some days I've got the strength to fight the good fight, and other days I get weak and succumb to peer pressure.
(I can hear the Diet Blog Mother scolding me, "If your friends ate shards of glass would you do that, too?" I'd sigh and whine, "But, Maaaa, you just don't understand!")
Anyway, Sunday I had no "I was in bad company" excuses for my behavior, and I still did crappy. Oh, breakfast and lunch were fine -- hubby even made me his version of Skinny Soup for lunch before he and my daughter left for the afternoon to go Christmas shopping for me. During the afternoon I packed boxes and made good progress on the moving project. Then I started to eat.
I'm one of those people who can check off almost every box in the eating disorder questionnaire: Do you eat too much when you're with friends? Check. Do you eat too much when you're alone? Check. Do you eat too much when you're happy? Check. Do you eat too much when you're under stress? Check. Do you eat when you're bored? You get the picture.
At first I tried my best to fight the urge. I drank a big glass of water and forced myself to keep packing for another hour. I told myself if I was still hungry after that, I would eat. Well, I managed to do all right for another couple hours, actually. Then supper time came. Hubby called to say they were getting a bite to eat before they came home and asked if I wanted them to bring me something. I declined, knowing they were most likely stopping at a fast food restaurant. But then I went and hit the freezer like a teen hitting the liquor cabinet while the parents are away.
I didn't eat until I was stuffed, or sick, but it was still too much, and the wrong things. (I know, the experts say you shouldn't label food as "good" or "bad", but we all know an individual chicken pot pie is NOT healthy eating. Have you looked at the nutritional information on those things?) It tasted good, but at the end of the evening I questioned if it was really worth it.
As for today? Again, I'm back to my weekday routines. My Weekend Game Plans don't seem to be working too well, although in my defense I've been making some progress with the healthy breakfast and lunch and exercise part of it. Hopefully in following weeks I'll be able to expand on that -- without expanding my waistline!
Of course, I'm now cankle-high into the Christmas season; at Sunday School the kids had Christmas cookies for snack, and at the bank this morning the homemade cookies and candy were out for the pickin'. I abstained, went back to the office and ate my planned snack and lunch.
As you can see from previous posts, it's after lunch that the usual problem arises. This morning I emailed my friend and said I probably wouldn't have time to make Christmas cookies this year. I am the keeper of the family cookie recipes; the Gingerbread Men and Sand Tarts recipes that my grandmother got from her mother, my mother's favorite rum balls, and the classic Peanut Butter Blossoms with the Hershey kisses on top. Of course there's my favorite underdog, the Toll House bars with pecans and butterscotch chips. These cookies tend to slide under the radar with all the fancier ones around, so I wind up getting plenty of my butter pecan fix.
This afternoon as I walked into the house, I had a brainstorm. I quickly grabbed my box of Fiber One Cereal and proceeded to whip up two recipes I recently found on Hungry Girl.
Hershey Bar Haystacks actually come from aimeesadventures.com, which I finally browsed through last week, andI thought was a very nice website. But she had already won my heart with this recipe, which completely satisfies my chocolate/peanut butter addiction without making me gain 20 pounds:
(1 Stack - 71 calories, 4g fat, 12 carbs, 5g fiber, 2g protein - 1 WW point)
1 Cup Fiber One Cereal
1 (1.5 oz.) Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar
1 Tbsp. reduced fat peanut butter, smooth or chunky
Directions:Melt bar and peanut butter in microwave until smooth, at 30-second intervals. Be careful not to burn or overcook. Stir chocolate and peanut butter mixture. Add cereal and gently toss till coated. Drop onto wax paper, making 6 stacks. Refrigerate until chocolate hardens (about 30 minutes). Serves 6.
Krispymallow Treats seems to be an HG originial, and the first recipe I ever made from this website. My 8 year old daughter loves them and begs me to take them in her lunchbox. I will tell you I started adding apple pie spice (mainly cinnamon) to them, which I think makes them even better:
(1 square: 47 calories, <1g fat, 32mg sodium, 11g carbs, 2.5g fiber, 3g sugars, <1g protein = 1/2 Point)
Ingredients:
3 tbsp. Smart Balance 37% Light Buttery Spread
3 cups miniature marshmallows
2 cups Fiber One cereal
5 cups Kashi 7 Whole Grain Puffs or puffed wheat cereal
Directions:
Melt butter spread in a large saucepan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat. Add both cereals. Stir until well coated. Using a spatula, press mixture evenly into a baking pan coated with nonstick cooking spray. Allow to cool. Cut into 25 squares.
These treats taste great to me, and unlike the usual holiday fare, the fiber in them causes you to actually get satisfied from just eating one or two. There both no-bake recipes, so they're quick and easy to make and clean up after, and you aren't burning your fingers on the cookie sheets.
So now I can say I did my "holiday baking." If my husband decides to make a bunch of fattening, refined sugar and flour timebombs, I'll be able to resist without being deprived, grab one of my haystacks or krispymallow bars and still enjoy myself.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Saturday Night Shanghai
I got Shanghaied Saturday night. My husband, brother, sister-in-law and another couple we're friends with all wanted to go out for dinner. And they wanted wings. And cheese fries with Old Bay Seasoning. And buffalo chicken bleu cheese pizza. And deep fried cauliflower. And then they wanted ice cream for dessert.
Let's face it. Any diet guru (Dr. Ph1l spells it out pretty clearly in his manifesto) would tell me that my family and friends are foodies, and if I really want to lose weight I should be avoiding them and their sabotaging, carb-loving ways. But in the real world, am I going to divorce my husband and break off the majority of my friendships because they like deep fried food and peanut butter sundaes?
This is the hardest part of weight loss. When I started knocking off the poundage I pretty much had no social life. I stayed at home, raised my daughter, and worked on recovering from the job from hell. I had lots of time to spend 90 minutes a day at the gym, plan my meals and avoid dangerous food situations. If I did ever go out, it was a special occasion and rare. It's no wonder I was able to knock off 80 pounds within 6 months -- I was the girl in the plastic bubble!
Then I met the man who became my husband, my best friend since 3rd grade moved back to town and married my hubby's brother, and we developed a close-knit group of friends who love spending time together. I wound up in my job at the church, and as anyone knows, we Lutherans love to eat. And suddenly my social and work calendar was full -- and full of food. Dinner parties, nights on the town, holiday meals, church luncheons and banquets. Every birthday and anniversary has to be celebrated with a big decadent meal. I even have the weekly telephone call from the church quilting ladies inviting me down to their lunches!
It's no damn wonder I proceeded to gain back 50 of the pounds I had lost. I was like one of those Amish teens who get thrust out into the world of the "English" before deciding whether to become an official adult member of the Community. Everywhere I turned there was "sin" and "excess": all-you-can-eat buffets, pot luck dinners, picnics and reunions, bridal shower hors d'oeuvres and wedding receptions. It was pretty hard to resist.
But so far I've managed to get that 50 pounds back off, plus another 10-15 (depending on the day). It's been difficult, but somehow I've managed to maneuver around these constant hazards and prevent another major weight gain.
That doesn't mean I still don't get frustrated after a situation like last night. The most frustrating thing was, I actually managed to not become the pig in the trough while I was out with the group. I ordered 6 wings and only ate 3 of them; picked very lightly at the appetizers, and to the horror of my friends and husband through half of my ice cream away. Sounds great, right?
Then I got home. I ate 1.5 slices of the pizza and finished off a small bag of trail mix. Not a full-on binge, but bad enough. What compels us, those of us with eating issues, to come home after successfully getting through a difficult food event and then blowing it by compulsively eating? Is it some form of rebellion from being so "good" earlier? Is it some kind of rebound effect? Is there some pill I can take, some rubber band I can put around my wrist, some hypnosis tape I can listen to, so I can stop doing this? Someday I hope to learn the secret.
Need to wrap this up and head to church. Back on track so far today, although instead of the usual exercise this morning I packed, lifted and carried boxes to our storage shed for about an hour. There's more of that to come this afternoon as I try to get ready for our move in three weeks! Eeek!
Let's face it. Any diet guru (Dr. Ph1l spells it out pretty clearly in his manifesto) would tell me that my family and friends are foodies, and if I really want to lose weight I should be avoiding them and their sabotaging, carb-loving ways. But in the real world, am I going to divorce my husband and break off the majority of my friendships because they like deep fried food and peanut butter sundaes?
This is the hardest part of weight loss. When I started knocking off the poundage I pretty much had no social life. I stayed at home, raised my daughter, and worked on recovering from the job from hell. I had lots of time to spend 90 minutes a day at the gym, plan my meals and avoid dangerous food situations. If I did ever go out, it was a special occasion and rare. It's no wonder I was able to knock off 80 pounds within 6 months -- I was the girl in the plastic bubble!
Then I met the man who became my husband, my best friend since 3rd grade moved back to town and married my hubby's brother, and we developed a close-knit group of friends who love spending time together. I wound up in my job at the church, and as anyone knows, we Lutherans love to eat. And suddenly my social and work calendar was full -- and full of food. Dinner parties, nights on the town, holiday meals, church luncheons and banquets. Every birthday and anniversary has to be celebrated with a big decadent meal. I even have the weekly telephone call from the church quilting ladies inviting me down to their lunches!
It's no damn wonder I proceeded to gain back 50 of the pounds I had lost. I was like one of those Amish teens who get thrust out into the world of the "English" before deciding whether to become an official adult member of the Community. Everywhere I turned there was "sin" and "excess": all-you-can-eat buffets, pot luck dinners, picnics and reunions, bridal shower hors d'oeuvres and wedding receptions. It was pretty hard to resist.
But so far I've managed to get that 50 pounds back off, plus another 10-15 (depending on the day). It's been difficult, but somehow I've managed to maneuver around these constant hazards and prevent another major weight gain.
That doesn't mean I still don't get frustrated after a situation like last night. The most frustrating thing was, I actually managed to not become the pig in the trough while I was out with the group. I ordered 6 wings and only ate 3 of them; picked very lightly at the appetizers, and to the horror of my friends and husband through half of my ice cream away. Sounds great, right?
Then I got home. I ate 1.5 slices of the pizza and finished off a small bag of trail mix. Not a full-on binge, but bad enough. What compels us, those of us with eating issues, to come home after successfully getting through a difficult food event and then blowing it by compulsively eating? Is it some form of rebellion from being so "good" earlier? Is it some kind of rebound effect? Is there some pill I can take, some rubber band I can put around my wrist, some hypnosis tape I can listen to, so I can stop doing this? Someday I hope to learn the secret.
Need to wrap this up and head to church. Back on track so far today, although instead of the usual exercise this morning I packed, lifted and carried boxes to our storage shed for about an hour. There's more of that to come this afternoon as I try to get ready for our move in three weeks! Eeek!
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Week Nine Weigh In
Well, there's bad news and not-so-bad news.
My weight this morning was 219. Yes, it's bad that I've gained 2.5 pounds. But it could have been a LOT worse. Even though my attempts at getting back on track this past week were a little dodgy, each day I got a little better, and each day I got rid of more of the holiday bloat. A few more days and I think I'll have the rest gone, too.
I'm taking pride in the fact that I didn't say "what the hell" and continue to overeat. I made the effort to get back to routine. Despite my goof-ups I managed to stay in the "teens." According to my journals I am 26 pounds less than I was last year at Thanksgiving. All reasons to celebrate.
I did pretty well at the buffet last night. I definitely ate what I wanted, but I was surprised that I just didn't want that much. Nothing looked amazingly appealing to me. If I picked something out that I wasn't thrilled with, I didn't finish it. I took tiny little servings on my plate, telling myself if I wanted more, I'd get it. I did go for seconds, but again, tiny amounts. And I got the piece of cake I wanted, but after eating about half I got sick of it and pushed it away. I felt surprisingly satisfied. Is it weird to feel abnormal eating in a "normal" way?
I have to run, but before I go I have to say I love the feeling when I'm on the treadmill and I'm listening to a song that has just the right tempo for the pace I'm walking. At 4 miles an hour Mad0nna's "Ray of Light" is absolutely perfect; I hit a groove and was on a major endorphin high for a good 10 minutes. Of course, all good things must pass, and now my foot's flaring up. But I'll rest it today and do the bike tomorrow to give it a break.
Time to go take Mabel to dance class; I'm taking along my Christmas cards to address while I wait for her. I love killing two birds with one stone; I even typed this post while talking to my Mom on the phone! I am the Queen of Multitasking!
My weight this morning was 219. Yes, it's bad that I've gained 2.5 pounds. But it could have been a LOT worse. Even though my attempts at getting back on track this past week were a little dodgy, each day I got a little better, and each day I got rid of more of the holiday bloat. A few more days and I think I'll have the rest gone, too.
I'm taking pride in the fact that I didn't say "what the hell" and continue to overeat. I made the effort to get back to routine. Despite my goof-ups I managed to stay in the "teens." According to my journals I am 26 pounds less than I was last year at Thanksgiving. All reasons to celebrate.
I did pretty well at the buffet last night. I definitely ate what I wanted, but I was surprised that I just didn't want that much. Nothing looked amazingly appealing to me. If I picked something out that I wasn't thrilled with, I didn't finish it. I took tiny little servings on my plate, telling myself if I wanted more, I'd get it. I did go for seconds, but again, tiny amounts. And I got the piece of cake I wanted, but after eating about half I got sick of it and pushed it away. I felt surprisingly satisfied. Is it weird to feel abnormal eating in a "normal" way?
I have to run, but before I go I have to say I love the feeling when I'm on the treadmill and I'm listening to a song that has just the right tempo for the pace I'm walking. At 4 miles an hour Mad0nna's "Ray of Light" is absolutely perfect; I hit a groove and was on a major endorphin high for a good 10 minutes. Of course, all good things must pass, and now my foot's flaring up. But I'll rest it today and do the bike tomorrow to give it a break.
Time to go take Mabel to dance class; I'm taking along my Christmas cards to address while I wait for her. I love killing two birds with one stone; I even typed this post while talking to my Mom on the phone! I am the Queen of Multitasking!
Friday, December 01, 2006
2006 Overview
Well, December's here. One month left in 2006, the beginning of the Christmas season, when the "year in review" shows and magazines come out. A time for tying up loose ends, analyzing our 12-month progress, and getting ready to start the whole thing all over again.
I have to be honest and say I'm not thrilled with 2006. I had all kinds of goals and hopes of reaching an "ideal" weight by June, then October, then realizing it just wasn't gonna' happen. I've managed to lose and gain the same 15-20 pounds all year long, which can feel awfully frustrating and discouraging.
On the other hand, I could also look at this as maintaining a weight loss in the neighborhood of 100-120 pounds for the year. That should certainly qualify as some kind of success, right?
In other yearly achievements, I completed my first 5K, I bought (and wore!) my first size 12/14 clothes since junior high, and survived neck surgery. I exercise at least 5 days a week, raise a child, run a household, and made it through the first year of marriage without any signs of divorce (so there, P@m Anderson and Kid R0ck!). I have a job I find truly satisfying and get more validation from than any job I've had so far.
And there's this blog. I started out skulking around everyone else's blogs, envying their determination, commiserating with their down times, and rooting for them when they succeed. Then I decided to join them, and it's been a wonderful experience. I feel like I've made new friends, even if I've never heard their voices or seen their faces. They've become my cheerleaders, my support group, and it's helped a lot when I feel like I'm faltering.
All of this introspection comes as I near my Week Nine Weigh-In (Week Eight was my by-week, so I'm not stopping or pausing time here). The sad fact is, it would take a miracle (or massive diuretics and laxatives) for me to get back to my Week Seven weight of 216.5 pounds by tomorrow morning. I've done what I could this week to make up for the damage I did over the Thanksgiving blow-out, but the truth is I didn't do my best, and the consequences of my actions are right there on the digital screen.
Part of me wants to chicken out and not post my weight on here tomorrow. But the whole point of this blog is to make me more accountable, right? What's the point of doing all of this if I'm not honest with myself? I'm fighting my perfectionist, all or nothing thinking: "If I don't lose weight -- if I fail -- then I should just give up."
Is it really the end of the world if I gain weight one week? It happens to everyone. This isn't about trying to be perfect. The point is to keep going.
Before I go, it is Friday, which means time for my Weekend Game Plan. Tonight we're going out for dinner as we go out to Christmas shop and look for new bathroom fixtures for our house. Hubby wants to go to Ryan's, which is one of those all-you-can-eat buffets. On Saturday Hubby's deer hunting, so I don't see any food hazards there. Sunday is my church's Advent dinner, a Lutheran covered-dish carb fest that has "diet sabotage" written all over it. I still haven't decided for sure if we're going to this event, because I don't know if I really want to tempt myself more than I have to. We'll have to wait and see.
My game plan? Again, I'm aiming for healthy breakfasts and lunches, EXERCISE, and try my best to eat mindfully in the hazardous situations. Again, I'll try and do my best.
I have to be honest and say I'm not thrilled with 2006. I had all kinds of goals and hopes of reaching an "ideal" weight by June, then October, then realizing it just wasn't gonna' happen. I've managed to lose and gain the same 15-20 pounds all year long, which can feel awfully frustrating and discouraging.
On the other hand, I could also look at this as maintaining a weight loss in the neighborhood of 100-120 pounds for the year. That should certainly qualify as some kind of success, right?
In other yearly achievements, I completed my first 5K, I bought (and wore!) my first size 12/14 clothes since junior high, and survived neck surgery. I exercise at least 5 days a week, raise a child, run a household, and made it through the first year of marriage without any signs of divorce (so there, P@m Anderson and Kid R0ck!). I have a job I find truly satisfying and get more validation from than any job I've had so far.
And there's this blog. I started out skulking around everyone else's blogs, envying their determination, commiserating with their down times, and rooting for them when they succeed. Then I decided to join them, and it's been a wonderful experience. I feel like I've made new friends, even if I've never heard their voices or seen their faces. They've become my cheerleaders, my support group, and it's helped a lot when I feel like I'm faltering.
All of this introspection comes as I near my Week Nine Weigh-In (Week Eight was my by-week, so I'm not stopping or pausing time here). The sad fact is, it would take a miracle (or massive diuretics and laxatives) for me to get back to my Week Seven weight of 216.5 pounds by tomorrow morning. I've done what I could this week to make up for the damage I did over the Thanksgiving blow-out, but the truth is I didn't do my best, and the consequences of my actions are right there on the digital screen.
Part of me wants to chicken out and not post my weight on here tomorrow. But the whole point of this blog is to make me more accountable, right? What's the point of doing all of this if I'm not honest with myself? I'm fighting my perfectionist, all or nothing thinking: "If I don't lose weight -- if I fail -- then I should just give up."
Is it really the end of the world if I gain weight one week? It happens to everyone. This isn't about trying to be perfect. The point is to keep going.
Before I go, it is Friday, which means time for my Weekend Game Plan. Tonight we're going out for dinner as we go out to Christmas shop and look for new bathroom fixtures for our house. Hubby wants to go to Ryan's, which is one of those all-you-can-eat buffets. On Saturday Hubby's deer hunting, so I don't see any food hazards there. Sunday is my church's Advent dinner, a Lutheran covered-dish carb fest that has "diet sabotage" written all over it. I still haven't decided for sure if we're going to this event, because I don't know if I really want to tempt myself more than I have to. We'll have to wait and see.
My game plan? Again, I'm aiming for healthy breakfasts and lunches, EXERCISE, and try my best to eat mindfully in the hazardous situations. Again, I'll try and do my best.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Enough is Enough
Enough is enough, now. I've been Miss Half-Assed all week with my eating, and the time has come to straighten up and fly right!
Okay, now that I've gotten that outburst out of the way, can I tell you how much better I've done today? Mainly in my attitude; I'm starting to wean myself off of the "what forbidden goodies am I going to eat today" thoughts and getting back to my healthier mind set. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about food, but if I can obsess on getting the right balance of protein vs. carbs, getting the recommended amounts of fruits and/or vegetables and keeping myself properly hydrated, it reduces the time I can think about what fatty, sugary drug-like foods I can seek out and consume.
I just came back from my haircut, and my stylist was really gushing about how much weight I've lost and how much smaller my butt looks! I find this funny, because I really don't think I've lost that much the last two months, and today I'm still carrying around a considerable amount of bloat. But apparently I'm looking thinner, so maybe I'm getting more toned.
The last couple weeks I've implemented the balance ball into my morning exercise routine. I bought the thing months ago, but almost simultaneously my Summer o' Neck Pain began and I left the thing go until I was recovered from my surgery. I still have a little problem with the abdominal crunches (I'm half tempted to put on my neck brace for this part to try to force my abs to take the brunt of this exercise instead of my neck and shoulders), but otherwise it's going well. I definitely felt sore the first few days I used it, because it had been months since I targeted my abs and butt, and I think the claims that the ball helps you tone your "core" are true. I can see why some people use the balls for their office/computer chair, because all that balancing would have to have some kind of effect.
I've also started adding on to my arms/shoulder work. I've got a whole routine of stretches and resistance-band exercises I learned in physical therapy that I do five days a week, and now I'm adding on some dumbell reps to it about three days a week.
I've always focused on the lower body exercising because I lean towards the pear-shaped body type, but at the same time I've always felt that my upper body strength isn't what I'd like it to be. This is very subjective, however. Both my husband and my physical therapist are actually quite impressed with my upper body strength, but I've got a 63 year-old mother who still throws bales of hay and carries around 50-pound bags of animal feed daily.
WAY back in the very beginning of my self-improvement journey I joined a guy's gym (not a Curves or girls-only gym) and the manager gave me a great routine of exercises to do with the weight machines and free weights. I was astounded at the biceps, triceps and forearm muscles that began popping out of my flab. While I've tried to keep up some kind of upper-body workout, I haven't been able to recreate that "woah" feeling again.
However...the other day I took a sideways glance at myself in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw. While the lower part of my upper arm is forever saddled with loose skin and some lingering flab, the shoulder and upper section of the arm looked surprisingly lean and toned. And a few days ago I was on the exercise ball getting ready to do my obliques, which involves crossing my arms across my chest. As I came up in my crunch, my hand had hold of some seriously developed pecs!
Is it just me, or is my mood improving? I'm a little torn about the specific reason why: detoxing from the eating fest, the end of PMS? Or maybe it's the fact that I got a new full spectrum light for my office (for a fantastic price at Big Lots!) and have been leaving it on for 4-5 hours in the beginning of the work day. Whatever the cause, I'm glad it's happening, because I'm feeling more optimistic that I can finish this year weighing less than I did last year.
Still not sure if I'll be able to fully "liquidate" in time for Saturday's weigh-in. It is just a number, after all; what really matters is keeping up the healthy behaviors.
Okay, now that I've gotten that outburst out of the way, can I tell you how much better I've done today? Mainly in my attitude; I'm starting to wean myself off of the "what forbidden goodies am I going to eat today" thoughts and getting back to my healthier mind set. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about food, but if I can obsess on getting the right balance of protein vs. carbs, getting the recommended amounts of fruits and/or vegetables and keeping myself properly hydrated, it reduces the time I can think about what fatty, sugary drug-like foods I can seek out and consume.
I just came back from my haircut, and my stylist was really gushing about how much weight I've lost and how much smaller my butt looks! I find this funny, because I really don't think I've lost that much the last two months, and today I'm still carrying around a considerable amount of bloat. But apparently I'm looking thinner, so maybe I'm getting more toned.
The last couple weeks I've implemented the balance ball into my morning exercise routine. I bought the thing months ago, but almost simultaneously my Summer o' Neck Pain began and I left the thing go until I was recovered from my surgery. I still have a little problem with the abdominal crunches (I'm half tempted to put on my neck brace for this part to try to force my abs to take the brunt of this exercise instead of my neck and shoulders), but otherwise it's going well. I definitely felt sore the first few days I used it, because it had been months since I targeted my abs and butt, and I think the claims that the ball helps you tone your "core" are true. I can see why some people use the balls for their office/computer chair, because all that balancing would have to have some kind of effect.
I've also started adding on to my arms/shoulder work. I've got a whole routine of stretches and resistance-band exercises I learned in physical therapy that I do five days a week, and now I'm adding on some dumbell reps to it about three days a week.
I've always focused on the lower body exercising because I lean towards the pear-shaped body type, but at the same time I've always felt that my upper body strength isn't what I'd like it to be. This is very subjective, however. Both my husband and my physical therapist are actually quite impressed with my upper body strength, but I've got a 63 year-old mother who still throws bales of hay and carries around 50-pound bags of animal feed daily.
WAY back in the very beginning of my self-improvement journey I joined a guy's gym (not a Curves or girls-only gym) and the manager gave me a great routine of exercises to do with the weight machines and free weights. I was astounded at the biceps, triceps and forearm muscles that began popping out of my flab. While I've tried to keep up some kind of upper-body workout, I haven't been able to recreate that "woah" feeling again.
However...the other day I took a sideways glance at myself in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw. While the lower part of my upper arm is forever saddled with loose skin and some lingering flab, the shoulder and upper section of the arm looked surprisingly lean and toned. And a few days ago I was on the exercise ball getting ready to do my obliques, which involves crossing my arms across my chest. As I came up in my crunch, my hand had hold of some seriously developed pecs!
Is it just me, or is my mood improving? I'm a little torn about the specific reason why: detoxing from the eating fest, the end of PMS? Or maybe it's the fact that I got a new full spectrum light for my office (for a fantastic price at Big Lots!) and have been leaving it on for 4-5 hours in the beginning of the work day. Whatever the cause, I'm glad it's happening, because I'm feeling more optimistic that I can finish this year weighing less than I did last year.
Still not sure if I'll be able to fully "liquidate" in time for Saturday's weigh-in. It is just a number, after all; what really matters is keeping up the healthy behaviors.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Struggle Continues
Despite the fact that I didn't think I did well yesterday, I had another nice plunge on the scale this morning, so the post-holiday de-bloating continues. A major factor in this situation is that during the eating days I was in PMS mode, when I absorb fluids better than the world's best sponge. This morning began the TOTM, when I typically lose this water retention. This is a monthly thing no matter what I eat.
Why don't I think I did well?
1. My daughter wanted to go to Wendy's for lunch, and instead of ordering a salad or chili, I got the jalapeno cheddar melt sandwich I saw on TV and have been coveting
2. I snacked on danger foods in the afternoon-- mainly, nuts. And I had much more than I should have.
3. At supper I didn't measure anything, ate full fat salad dressing and 1.5 pieces of garlic bread
In my defense, here's the things I did right:
1. I exercised
2. Ate a healthy breakfast and morning snack
3. At Wendy's I opted for the 1/4 pound burger instead of the 1/2 pound, I passed on the french fries and drank water
4. I realized the nuts were driving me into a binge situation, and I forced myself to stop before it went too far. I put the nuts in a high, hard-to-reach, out of sight location and told myself "no more". I drank a big glass of water to try to flush out the salt from the nuts and went on with my day.
5. Although I didn't measure my supper, without even thinking about it I cut the steak in half and left the rest on the serving plate. Although I did eat the garlic bread, the meal mainly consisted of veggies: salad, asparagus, and roasted winter veggies (onion, carrot and rutabaga!).
Last night I took my daughter up for her bath. After brushing my teeth (which always announces to me that eating is done for the day) I found my old journal from last year and looked and those holiday entries. It's funny how similar my life is: I try to prevent overeating, do it anyway, then climb back on the horse and keep on riding. I do tend to have some doubts that I can get back on track, but as long as I rough it out I have managed to keep going. While it was a little discouraging to see that I seem to repeat the same mistakes, it was encouraging that I do have a record of eventual success.
While I would have liked to have been the epitome of model behavior since Monday, at least I'm slowly moving back towards my healthy habits as the week progresses. Yes, I'm struggling, but at least there is a struggle going on instead of complete surrender to the cravings and the urges. And as long as I don't give up, I'll still have a chance of reaching my goals.
Why don't I think I did well?
1. My daughter wanted to go to Wendy's for lunch, and instead of ordering a salad or chili, I got the jalapeno cheddar melt sandwich I saw on TV and have been coveting
2. I snacked on danger foods in the afternoon-- mainly, nuts. And I had much more than I should have.
3. At supper I didn't measure anything, ate full fat salad dressing and 1.5 pieces of garlic bread
In my defense, here's the things I did right:
1. I exercised
2. Ate a healthy breakfast and morning snack
3. At Wendy's I opted for the 1/4 pound burger instead of the 1/2 pound, I passed on the french fries and drank water
4. I realized the nuts were driving me into a binge situation, and I forced myself to stop before it went too far. I put the nuts in a high, hard-to-reach, out of sight location and told myself "no more". I drank a big glass of water to try to flush out the salt from the nuts and went on with my day.
5. Although I didn't measure my supper, without even thinking about it I cut the steak in half and left the rest on the serving plate. Although I did eat the garlic bread, the meal mainly consisted of veggies: salad, asparagus, and roasted winter veggies (onion, carrot and rutabaga!).
Last night I took my daughter up for her bath. After brushing my teeth (which always announces to me that eating is done for the day) I found my old journal from last year and looked and those holiday entries. It's funny how similar my life is: I try to prevent overeating, do it anyway, then climb back on the horse and keep on riding. I do tend to have some doubts that I can get back on track, but as long as I rough it out I have managed to keep going. While it was a little discouraging to see that I seem to repeat the same mistakes, it was encouraging that I do have a record of eventual success.
While I would have liked to have been the epitome of model behavior since Monday, at least I'm slowly moving back towards my healthy habits as the week progresses. Yes, I'm struggling, but at least there is a struggle going on instead of complete surrender to the cravings and the urges. And as long as I don't give up, I'll still have a chance of reaching my goals.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Transition
Back to work today, and so far I'm back to the "old" routine: exercised for an hour this morning, ate my usual breakfast (Egg Beaters, soy cheese and low-cal wheat bread), and drinking lots of water. I'm already starting to feel better!
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back on track, but it was more of a transition day. I didn't sit and eat all day until I foundered myself because I was too busy, but I didn't make the healthiest food choices, either. I was definitely active, though: I packed and lifted boxes all day long, in addition to putting up our Christmas tree. I know, it seems crazy to be putting up decorations when I'm trying to pack to move, but I just can't go without a tree and our stockings hanging on the mantle with an 8 year-old in the house. Besides,looking at the tree last night cheered the 8 year-old in me, too. Now to make sure I don't start craving Christmas cookies to go along with the tree!
Even though I wasn't stellar in my eating yesterday, I already saw some improvement on the scale this morning. The Post-Holiday De-Bloating has begun, thank goodness!
My wedding ring has become my water retention barometer, and today it's getting looser as I travel back and forth to the bathroom to expel the fluids I've absorbed.
A few minutes ago a lady stopped by and gave me a gift as a thank you for all the help I gave her and her family for her grandson's baptism yesterday (I'm a church secretary, if I haven't mentioned it before). I told her it wasn't necessary, but she insisted, so I accepted it with gratitude. It was a copy of the book "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential" by Joel Osteen. After glancing through the sleeve summary, I figure it couldn't hurt to check it out. Goodness knows I'd like to reach my full potential! Who wouldn't?
Here's the 7 Steps:
One: Enlarge your vision
Two: Develop a healthy self-image
Three: Discover the power of your thoughts and words
Four: Let go of the past
Five: Find strength through adversity
Six: Live to give
Seven: Choose to be happy
Doesn't sound too bad. I'll let you know what I think of it.
There's a part of me that dreads this week's weigh-in because I don't know if I can get back to my pre-holiday weight by Saturday. I feel like I've let my blog readers down by my holiday indulgences. While the accountability aspect was what drew me to starting a blog, I have to realize that the people reading it are not in some position of authority over me. The rational part of me says that I'm not here to please some people on the Internet; I'm not being graded on my performance; I won't get fired if I've gained a pound or two over Thanksgiving. I won't be fined late fees if I don't reach 200 pounds by December 31. But it's hard to break that "need to please" mentality. As an adult I've figured out that trying to be perfect will not get me love and acceptance from others, but it's still hard to break those habits we form in childhood.
So bear with me as I pick up the pieces from this past weekend. I've never really had an audience before, so it's a whole new experience for me. I do appreciate everyone's caring words and advice.
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back on track, but it was more of a transition day. I didn't sit and eat all day until I foundered myself because I was too busy, but I didn't make the healthiest food choices, either. I was definitely active, though: I packed and lifted boxes all day long, in addition to putting up our Christmas tree. I know, it seems crazy to be putting up decorations when I'm trying to pack to move, but I just can't go without a tree and our stockings hanging on the mantle with an 8 year-old in the house. Besides,looking at the tree last night cheered the 8 year-old in me, too. Now to make sure I don't start craving Christmas cookies to go along with the tree!
Even though I wasn't stellar in my eating yesterday, I already saw some improvement on the scale this morning. The Post-Holiday De-Bloating has begun, thank goodness!
My wedding ring has become my water retention barometer, and today it's getting looser as I travel back and forth to the bathroom to expel the fluids I've absorbed.
A few minutes ago a lady stopped by and gave me a gift as a thank you for all the help I gave her and her family for her grandson's baptism yesterday (I'm a church secretary, if I haven't mentioned it before). I told her it wasn't necessary, but she insisted, so I accepted it with gratitude. It was a copy of the book "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential" by Joel Osteen. After glancing through the sleeve summary, I figure it couldn't hurt to check it out. Goodness knows I'd like to reach my full potential! Who wouldn't?
Here's the 7 Steps:
One: Enlarge your vision
Two: Develop a healthy self-image
Three: Discover the power of your thoughts and words
Four: Let go of the past
Five: Find strength through adversity
Six: Live to give
Seven: Choose to be happy
Doesn't sound too bad. I'll let you know what I think of it.
There's a part of me that dreads this week's weigh-in because I don't know if I can get back to my pre-holiday weight by Saturday. I feel like I've let my blog readers down by my holiday indulgences. While the accountability aspect was what drew me to starting a blog, I have to realize that the people reading it are not in some position of authority over me. The rational part of me says that I'm not here to please some people on the Internet; I'm not being graded on my performance; I won't get fired if I've gained a pound or two over Thanksgiving. I won't be fined late fees if I don't reach 200 pounds by December 31. But it's hard to break that "need to please" mentality. As an adult I've figured out that trying to be perfect will not get me love and acceptance from others, but it's still hard to break those habits we form in childhood.
So bear with me as I pick up the pieces from this past weekend. I've never really had an audience before, so it's a whole new experience for me. I do appreciate everyone's caring words and advice.
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