Friday, December 15, 2006

Looking for Help

Holy cow, where did the week go? I've been so freakin' busy this week, I feel like I've been in perpetual motion for eons.

Christmas is in 10 days. We've got 11 days until we plan to start moving all our stuff to the house. In 12 days the movers are coming to move the big stuff (the piano, entertaiment center, etc.). How will I ever be ready?!?

I could go into detail about my gripes and whining -- looking for a "pity party," as Hubby said a few days ago (you don't EVEN want me to get into that!) -- but I don't want to bore you. I have the old feeling I haven't had for a long time; the anxiety that I've gotten in over my head and I'm scrambling to stay afloat. Each time another person puts another task on my pile, I feel the water rise a little more. Up to my eyeballs? You betcha.

I know this will pass. The world won't end if I don't get everything done in 10 or 11 days. I think what bothers me the most is the feeling that I'm not "allowed" to feel overwhelmed and anxious. I'm supposed to be the good little trouper that smiles and happily accepts it as I'm being loaded down like a beast of burden. I don't mind carrying my own weight (there's a fitting pun!), but I guess it comes down to the fact that I feel I'm carrying more than my equal share, and I'm a little resentful of it.

Let's face it. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Fortunately I'm not eating my way through it. But I worry. I worry that once Christmas comes, all of these feelings will snowball into a massive binge that will last from Dec. 23 to Jan. 1.

I told Hubby I worry about overeating over the holidays and how I'd really like to find some ways to prevent that. His response was, "If anyone could do it, it would be you." Which was nice, but he then basically said he can't wait for the holiday and will be eating everything in sight. I suppose it was silly of me to think he'd say something like "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know."

I guess that's what I'm lacking right now -- feeling like I have help and support. But in my life that's always been wishful thinking. If I really, really want something, I've learned I have to do it myself. People have commented how strong and brave I am over certain things I've done in my life. The funny thing is, I've never felt particularly brave or strong -- it was just the realization that no one else was going to do it for me, so I better get off my butt and do it myself.

The truth is, it's exhausting being the strong and brave one. I wish I had the luxury of being the helpless female, fluttering my eyelashes and getting my wishes completed with a combination of charm and manipulation. But honestly, that's not my style. I come from a family of women who had to do everything for themselves because otherwise it wouldn't get done.

I suppose I should work up a weekend game plan. At this point all I know is that we're going to be busy, busy, busy. Hubby's already told me he'll be working at the house all weekend. I want to try to get a lot of boxes moved to the new house's garage while the weather holds out. Of course, I need to fit that in between acrobatics, play practice, and the actual Christmas program on Sunday. While it's good that I'll be busy to sit down and have massive binges, my concern is that my food will be "sloppy" -- eating whatever's around because it's fast and easy.

I'm going to do my best to check in here this weekend with my Week Eleven Weigh In. I'm feeling positive about my food and exercise this week, so I'll do my best to get on here and crow about the results.

1 comment:

Lori said...

I really can't add anything to what you wrote; my mother could have written it at various points in her life and I could say many of these same things and my cousin could too.

None of us are the kind of females who flutter their eyelashes and get what they want. It's been a running discussion with a friend and me. Why do men fall for this and not see us for our own good qualities? And pick up on it and help us out?

I just hope you take care of yourself this weekend and not wait too long between meals. Otherwise, you might DEVOUR things in your path out of hunger, tiredness, etc.