Seeking Satisfaction

I'm going to address the puppies quickly, because this blog is quickly turning into a Puppy Blog instead of hashing out my weight/exercise/food issues.

Last night Le Poopies (reference: anyone ever see the live-action 102 Dalmatians movie with Gerard Depardieu as Monsieur Le Pelt ?) didn't waken us with their crying/whining. If they did, none of us heard it. There was a little bit of "accidents" on the newspapers, but not much for an entire night. They headed straight for the back door when I came into the kitchen, and when they got outside they quickly did their business. As for the "business," they are quickly focusing on one back corner of our fenced in area to leave their deposits, which is good news.

I also bought them leashes yesterday and put it on them for a few minutes. I'm going to start putting them on every day and get them used to it.

Vickie had lots of good advice in the comments of my previous post. I will definitely take all of it under consideration, talk to the Hubby about it, and most importantly, I will be calling the trainer within the week to get started. Seeing that they're only 6 1/2 weeks old, I'm sure if we get underway by 8 weeks we should prevent any bad habits. They're quickly showing signs of being very intelligent dogs and I don't think we should have any problems training them.

Okay, enough puppy talk. When I walked into Dr. K's office yesterday she commented on how much thinner I was looking. This gave me the perfect intro to tell her how lately when I look at myself I feel fatter than ever. I know this makes no sense at all; I haven't been this small since I was in my late teens. But when I looked at my pictures from the weekend, or when I look in the mirror, I kept thinking I look too "thick" in the middle, that my thighs are huge, and let's not forget about the legendary Tavern Ham Upper Arms.

Part of this, I said to Dr. K, may be due to the fact that I'm shedding my bulky (and pretty loose) winter clothes and starting to wear shorter sleeves and some of my newer and smaller spring clothes. Because these clothes are more revealing, form fitting and snug, it's making me more aware of my body.

The other thing is, I think I'm suffering from fat amnesia. It's been three years since my body was in the 300 range, and in that time I think I've sort of forgotten how it felt and what it was like to be that obese. I've been within a 20 pound weight range for the past year, so I think I've gotten accustomed to this size. The problem is, I'm not satisfied with it. That's either good -- motivation to keep losing-- or bad, in the fact that I'm not accepting of my body as is. I see it as a red flag, because what if I get to 180 and still feel this dissatisfaction? Fine, I keep going (if I can) and aim for155, which is the upper range of the BMI's recommended weight for me. But what if I even get there and I'm still not happy with myself?

This may be just a phase I'm going through; next week I may feel lithe and slim and wonderful. I just don't want to be one of those people who is never content with their body and appearance. I want to be accepting of myself, flaws and all, and not beat myself up or set up goals that are impossible to attain.

The exercise has been going great this week -- each morning I get up and do my 30 minutes each of bike and treadmill. This Fitness Challenge I signed up for is one incentive, and on the form for the eight-week period I wrote down a goal of losing eight pounds. That would mean by May 19 I'd be 196.5 "Ooh, it makes me all goose pimply like a goose with great big pimples!" (Another odd reference: Alice Tinker from "The Vicar of Dibley")

I don't usually make these kind of deadlines for myself anymore. Setting a date and aiming to be a certain weight often backfires on me and I wind up gaining instead! But I think eight pounds is a safe goal -- it's one pound a week, which is about the average of what I lose. Some weeks I stay the same, some I lose half a pound, sometimes if I'm lucky, I lose two or three. This winter was awfully slow, but my exercise really went to pot with all the illnesses and bad weather, not to mention the weekend food-fests. Now that the workouts are getting back to normal and my overeating is calming down, I think the weight loss will pick up, too.