Don't Give Up, Don't Hold Back

We officially own our house. Hooray! The closing went smoothly without any problems.

Then, in true food addict fashion, we had to go out for dinner to "celebrate." And because the in-laws picked Mabel up from school, they came with us. I know this sounds completely ungrateful and nasty. But I guess I'm seeing through the "let's use food for every emotion and event" mentality that's so prevalent not only in our family, but in our society. I'm not saying I don't do it, because believe me I do, but I'm really becoming cognizant of it. Like Adam and Eve when they ate the apple, once you have that awareness, that loss of innocence/ignorance makes it impossible to stay blind to it. I can't go back to mindlessly eating anymore, because I'm instantly analyzing why I'm doing it. And the good thing about this is that I often catch myself and prevent it from happening.

For example. This morning the scale was not good because the meal I had last night, while low fat with lots of veggies, must have had a lot of sodium in it, because I was pretty bloated. And I knew my calorie total for the day was about 1365, so I knew it was water retention. My internal voice said "Crap, it's Thursday and I'm all bloated up. I'll never have a good weigh in on Saturday. I should just throw in the towel this week and not worry about it." Not worry about it in this case meant eating whatever I want, i.e. overeating.

Instantly I scolded myself. So what if this Saturday's weigh-in is high? I knew going in to this week that I would probably encounter this (PMS, time of the month), so it's no surprise. That's no excuse to break my Monday-Friday rule. Because if I do, the Saturday weigh in will be even worse! At least this way, if I stick to my guns, the damage will be minimal.

I reminded myself once again that this lifestyle change isn't all about the number on the scale. It's about ending the compulsive overeating, becoming more active and living a healthier life. Right now this Monday-Friday rule is very important to me; it means the majority of my life is under my control. It means I can enact limits and goals and follow through on them. While ideally it should be seven days a week, at this point in my life I've negotiated the five days with myself, and it's working. So I don't want to blow that. Not now, not after 130 pounds!

So I'm not giving up this week, saying what the hell and starting over on Monday. I'm sticking to it, and on Saturday when I post my weigh in, even if the number isn't good, I can least write that I ate healthy all week and exercised every day. I'll know I did the best I could, and if I keep doing my best, eventually the results will come. Maybe not this week, but maybe in a week or two.

Big breakthrough on the Mabel front. She confided in me yesterday she got in trouble at school for hitting two boys in two different incidents at school earlier this week. She lost two recesses because of this. I'm pretty convinced her stomach ailments were due to nerves because she was afraid to tell Daddy and me about this. She even told us afterwards, "I feel so much better now!"

Coincidentally, earlier this week report cards were sent home, and on the signature page there's a box to mark if you want to have a conference with the teacher, and I had marked yes. This was before the hitting revelation. Pretty timely, huh? We'll have a lot to talk about.

As for our reaction to this, I was really pleased how Hubby and I handled it. We told her she has to be open and honest with us, because we don't want to hear about these things first from a teacher, etc. While she is being punished at home -- four days without computer games (believe me, this hurts) -- we told her she needs to not be afraid to talk to us, and even if she does mess up, we still love her. We also talked to her about controlling her anger -- each incident involved a boy who "annoys" her, she said -- and tried to drive home that hitting and violence isn't allowed.

This morning Hubby agreed with me that her stomach problems do seem to be coming from emotional causes, and it concerns him. I replied that we're already addressing it by teaching her how much better it feels when she talks about her problems instead of holding them in. "I wish I had had that when I was her age," I added. "Because when I was growing up, I never felt like anyone wanted to hear about my problems."

After I said it I realized I deal with this to this very day. And it has a lot to do not only with my weight, but with the depression I've battled since my teen years.

So there are the two big lessons for the day: don't give up, and don't hold back. Good things to remember.