Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Bargain

Tuesday was another gorgeous day, and I took another afternoon walk down the same country road. I went a little bit farther than Monday, trying to build myself back up slowly. I don't know if it's because I'm out of practice or because it's in the afternoon instead of the morning, but I think I get a better workout from walking on real terrain than on the treadmill. I feel like I make a bigger effort and feel more fatigued afterward.

This morning I went back to the lower body stretching/toning/weight resistance with the balance ball. I am definitely feeling the work I did on my upper body yesterday. Wow, I got out of shape fast! But again, I repeat: at least I'm getting back into the regular exercise.

I made an appointment for Mabel for next Monday. The nurse set it up as her annual well child checkup, so the insurance will cover it. And yesterday when she got home from school she seemed fine: she rode her bicycle for an hour after school, ate dinner, did homework and piano and played on the computer and never complained about her stomach. So who knows...

It looks like the dog babysitting thing isn't panning out. The woman who owns the dog is making tons of reasons/excuses why she doesn't want us to watch the dog (it's big and will knock Mabel down; it'll rip up our carpets; we'll be sick of him after one day), so maybe it's for the best. Hubby and I really liked the idea of having a "test run," though. Because we don't want to get a puppy and get all attached and then realize a month into it that Mabel's allergies are out of control, or that I can't stand the aggravation of it. My mom offered to loan us one of her dogs, one of which is a black lab, which is a possibility we may consider. We'll see.

It's been a long time, but we're finally closing on our house today! The owner's ex-wife must have finally been satisfied, because we got the call on Friday that he's ready to close ASAP. So this afternoon we will officially own the house we've been living in since Dec. 27!

Yesterday afternoon I had one of those black moods I detest. I felt stretched too thin by too many demands and I got irritable. I also got all childishly pissy about having to "think too much" about food. When I get this way I just want to be able to grab what I want to eat and not worry about the calories, the fat, the fiber, or if I'm getting the right balance of protein to carbs, fruits and vegetables, etc. Some days it's almost kind of fun, like a game I'm trying to win. But yesterday I got down about the drudgery of it all. I remember thinking, "I just want to be 'normal' and just eat and not think about it."

That sounds great, right? Just be a normal eater. But I don't know what "normal" is; otherwise I wouldn't have climbed up to 338 pounds, right? I'm still trying to learn what normal is, and the cold hard truth is, I may never be able to make it a natural thing. Like a person with food allergies or a diabetic, I may never be able to not think about it. It sounds kind of depressing, but that's only if I think about it in the negative. But realistically, is it such a bad deal? I get to be 130 (or more eventually) pounds less, but the price I have to pay is to be mindful and careful of what I eat. No surgical repercussions, no giving away of my first born child, no selling my soul to the eternal flames of hell. What's the problem here? To quote the Who, "I'd call that a bargain."

I just have to keep a positive attitude about it. I suppose a lot of people get this diet fatigue from time to time. But something tells me a lot of people, when they reach this point of getting tired of watching what they eat, just stop. I know I've dealt with it before. I guess that's what gotten me through three years and 130 pounds lost: I have these feelings, and I may even take a break, but I keep doing it regardless.

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