Friday, October 06, 2006

What's in a number? The week one weigh-in

Although technically it's only Day 5 since I've been on the blog, I have Friday as my regular weigh-in day, so this will be Week One.

Since starting this blog, and actually while I was even thinking about it, the big debate in my head was whether I should print my actual weight on the blog. Different bloggers definitely have different methods: I know the Shrinking Knitter lets everyone know how much she's lost, but not her actual weight, and I can understand keeping that bit of privacy. Jonathan only states that he's maintained a 50-pound weight loss and doesn't discuss the actual number on the scale; of course, his blog is more about maintenance than weight loss. Then there's DietGirl, who has every statistic right on the sidebar of her blog. I admire her bravery to lay it out for all to see.

Weight is such a personal issue, yet it's the one thing about us that is most readily visible to those around us. In my self-help reading over the years I realize I definitely become the perfectionist in other parts of my life because my "failure" -- my fat -- is openly displayed to the public. It's a hard life to live and I've done my best to change those feelings.

While I know everyone realizes I've lost a lot of weight, I still find myself faltering when it comes to telling people how much I've lost or what my current weight is now. For example, when I admitted to someone that I had lost over 100 pounds, the person's first reaction was, "You've lost a whole person!" (That moment alone could provide an entire posting!) And when I last went to the doctor, who always requires I get on the scale (grrr), she frankly told me that by looking at me she expected me to weigh 40 pounds less than I actually am. Which led me to think, "Wow, if I look 40 pounds less, why in the world would I tell people my actual weight? Better to let them underestimate then tell them the ugly truth."

Ugly. Why use this word? I grapple with the overwhelming notion in our society that fat is ugly. I want to love myself and be happy with my body, but it's tough when fat-hating is the last fully-accepted prejudice in this country. For example, pay attention to how many fat jokes you hear in a single day, especially on television. If one substituted the word "black," "Jew," "gay," etc., into some of these jokes, you'd have a public outcry. And if you substituted "Muslim," you'd have worldwide protests. But fat people? They deserve it, right? Those lazy, weak, stupid fatties did this to themselves.

Anyway, this all leads me to the decision I have to make on this blog. Do I or don't I reveal the number on my scale? Do I only tell how much I've lost, or do I come out of the "weight closet?"

So here goes. Last Friday I weighed 233 pounds. Today, I weigh 228.5, which means a loss of 4.5 pounds. I'm pretty happy about that, since it means I'm 29 pounds away from being in the "onderfuls" (yes, 199.5 counts!)

As for yesterday's summary, the eating went fantastically well, and the knee felt pretty much back to normal. This morning I got back on the treadmill but cut my speed back and only did 30 minutes. I figured I better be smart and start slow and build myself back up again.

Now for the challenge: can I get through the weekend without overeating? Tonight's obstacle #1, date night with my hubby, which is looking like dinner and a movie. Saturday shouldn't be too bad -- I'm not going to the festival since I desperately need to clean my house. But then there's Sunday, my daughter's birthday party, and there will be the usual cake, ice cream and potato chips. I'll have to whip up a small veggie tray and nibble on that. Who knows, maybe my daughter or one of her friends may even try it.

This will be my first weekend as a blogger, so I'm not sure how well I'll do on posting, since I normally don't get around the computer much on the weekends. But I will do my best. Happy Weekend!


Lori said...

I find it very hard to love myself, not just because of the fat. The fat just makes it easy to criticize myself (using the word dumb is another favorite word).

It's true that being fat is one of the okay things to mock. It's easy to say "just control your portions and exercise more." It is the way to lose weight but it's not the way to keep it off, that's for sure. And that's the hang-up; keeping it off. I will always be fighting this.

As for loving myself, I want to. Right now, I look great. I have on a new pair of plaid pants, gray sweater, navy jacket, necklace and earrings. I even have on make-up too. I like myself. I do! But at 5:30; I'll be in my swimsuit, and yes, it is an improvement over what I was and I don't expect to be suddenly thing either, but yet the sight of my cottage-cheese thighs, very white legs, fat arms depresses me. So which one is me?

I've debated about putting actual numbers up on my blog but haven't, really only because of my ex-BF's GF who has only found my original blog. She hasn't found AFG or my other one but I don't need to give her material to make fun of me and lord it over even if I never hear from her.

I never really told anyone my top weight unless I knew them quite well (i.e., had dirt on them) but I am working on a time line with photos eventually.

Good post!

Vickie said...

As happens frequently with me - your post got me thinking and my LONG reply that started here will be on my blog as my posting tomorrow morning - thanks for inspiring me to think about something that I NEVER DID think about before!

Vickie said...

PS- did you NOTICE that Debbi doesn't give her weight on Shrinking Knitter - or was it her note to me? I had NEVER noticed!

Jonathan said...

I don't keep my weight & stats posted permanently on the blog because I'm a guy.

What I mean by that is, some people think that BECAUSE I'm a guy, it's "easier for me" and others think that a guy would not be sensitive to criticsm. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I'll never forget how crushed I was when the first WW leader I went to, prefaced giving me a 10 lbs loss award by saying to the entire group "Now don't be jealous. Men lose weight faster." How was that supposed to make me feel? (I quit her meeting after that).

I do have a close-knit circle of friends amongst whom we all share our weight on a regular basis. I find that keeps me honest, and I know that, up or down, I won't be judged.


Anonymous said...

I applaud you for being courageous and honest enough to post your weight. I don't know if I'll ever be that comfortable.

And that's what it comes down to, really. If you're comfortable and it doesn't cause any extra anguish, by all means post away. I'm not there yet. Might not ever get there. I'm probably the only person who reads the Shrinking Knitter who gives a rat's ass, but since I'm also the only one who writes there, I get to make the rules! Heh.