Sunday, August 05, 2007

Missing In Action

Before I get into my actual post, I have to quote Crazy Aunt Purl, because she totally sums up what I was writing about on Thursday:

"But when you have a Sunday morning to yourself, and it's not hot yet outside and the windows are open and the breeze is nice and you have on some music or maybe a book-on-CD or maybe just silence, and it's just you and a single cleaning project ... well, that's when the act of cleaning becomes more than a to-do list item. It's accomplishment and activity and self-care all in one. This is the same reason I love knitting, because it can be a form of active meditation, too, and I have always loved sewing for the same peaceful freedom from my own thoughts and worries. Intense concentration on one action, one very productive action, is something I just lose myself in.

"I think sometimes I forget to put "cleaning" on the list of activities that zen me out because I often associate it with duty and work. But cleaning, when it's just for the sheer joy of a pretty sink or a sparkling fridge or a single shiny pane of window glass, can be happiness and meditation all in one. (This works particularly well for those of who who find sitting still and meditating a near impossible task.)"

Okay, on to the present.

I've been Missing In Action this past weekend, not only here in Blogland but in my head, too. It was PMS weekend, my first on the new medicine, so maybe that has something to do with it. But every time I'd try to read my usual IE blogs, IE posts or try to post on my own blog, I kept losing focus and concentration and thinking "I can't deal with this right now."

And man did I overeat. Saturday was the worst -- I felt like an empty pit that I couldn't fill no matter how hard I tried. Part of it was being at a birthday party I didn't really want to be at: I was surrounded by tall, thin, perfectly accessorized blonde women and felt like an ogre. So I dove into the food and ate way more than I should have.

The good news is that Saturday was by far the worst day and Sunday I definitely scaled back on the eating. The best part was I didn't do it out of a desire to diet or deprive myself, it just felt natural not to eat as much.

But as we all know, it's more than just the food. I feel very shut off from my emotions right now, and I don't know if it's the Lexapro or PMS or a phase I'm going through. It could very well be hormonal, because as you know last week I was feeling really good, the best I've felt in ages, and suddenly, the three days before my TOTM, I'm in a fog. By the end of this week I could feel great again. I just have to work through it.

Tomorrow I'm starting a yoga class, and I'm hoping that it will help me get more in touch with my body and being conscious in the moment. I've done yoga with tapes before but never had an instructor, and I'm looking forward to have someone make sure I'm using proper form and posture. Let's just hope I'm not in a class full of tall, thin blondes. Not that I have anything against TTBs, but a little more diversity would be nice!


Beula said...

Yoga, doggone it. I am so envious I could spit. I can't even get decent water and you live in a place with real live yoga teachers. Some time before I am dead I am going to live in civilization.

It's hormones. Hang on and this too will pass.

Lori said...

I'm totally understanding how you feel about MIA.

As for yoga, I hope you have a good time.

Beula, I've heard good things about the Just My Size Yoga DVD.

Anne M. said...

Those "tall, thin, perfectly accessorized blonde women" are everywhere and they drive me crazy, too.

Adjusting to new meds of whatever variety takes time and throwing in PMS and life challenges makes it difficult to know whether you're reaction is due to meds or something else. Give it time and take it easy.

Loved the quote from Aunt Purl :)