Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Chip Away the Excess

It's been a strange week. For the past couple days I've had these moments of anxiety, and while they eventually pass, I'm not sure what the specific cause is. Part of it is feeling like I'm alone, that I don't have anyone to talk to. But I think that's mainly about this "recovery" I'm going through. I don't like talking about it to Mom, because then I feel like she has expectations for me, plus it's difficult to get good feedback or advice from her because she's one of the most compulsive people I know. As for J., SS or SA, I just don't think they could even begin to relate to what I'm going through. There is LG, who took me to my first OA meeting many years ago, but I don't know what her stand is on it now or what place she's in mentally about her size. That leaves Dr. K., who is on vacation, and I don't see her until next week. I guess that's why this journal is so important -- to give me a risk-free place to vent.

The thing is, this is the biggest thing going on in my life right now, so I feel kind of tongue-tied even talking to people, because I don't want them going away thinking I'm on a diet. This is soooo much more complicated, intense, emotional, whatever you want to call it, because I'm trying to change my behavior and my mindset, as well as trying to change my relationship with food.

For example, the past couple nights I've been anxious because I think to myself, "What am I going to do with myself for all those hours?" I've been filling my days with chores at the house and B&B, my meals and snacks are all pre-planned, and I feel like I'm at loose ends. Before I'd stuff myself silly at supper and then lie around in a stupor the rest of the evening. Now I don't have overeating and its effects as a pastime, so I guess I'm feeling a little ... lost? Exposed? Left with nothing but my thoughts? Dr. Dyer quoted Michelangelo, saying his statue of David was always in the block of marble, he just had to "chip away the excess." I feel I'm doing that to myself right now -- chipping away my excess to expose the true me.

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

I'm really starting to get to the nitty gritty here, and it's so exciting for me to read it now. I look back at the 2004 version of me like admiring my little sister, and I think to myself, "You go, girl! I am so proud of you!" What a great feeling.