Waking Up

I'm close to the end of my two weeks of weaning myself off of Lexapro, and I really feel like I'm reawakening from some deep sleep. No, I'm not calling myself Sleeping Beauty! But maybe one of the scullery maids in her castle who also got put under a magical slumbering spell with the rest of the servants.

I'd rather describe it this way than say I'm feeling "better." The truth is, I wasn't feeling much of anything before, and now I'm beginning to find emotions again. And let's face it -- some emotions are pleasant, and some aren't. But I must say I'd rather be able to feel again than to be a walking -- and eating -- zombie.

The emotion that has been taking precedence the last few days has been anger, but I don't see this as a bad thing, really. It doesn't feel like a destructive anger, but more of a self-assertive strain of anger, one that forces me to take care of myself. It's dawning on me just how much crap I've had to deal with the last few weeks and I'm making a decision to not put up with it anymore.

The overeating problems still aren't solved, but I'm doing my best to do something about it. I managed to pry open Karen Koenig's book "The Rules of Normal Eating" again. Each time I read it I seem to have a different reaction to it: this time I feel like the prodigal daughter seeking forgiveness and redemption for my wayward actions. I just hope I can pick up the pieces and find some way to return to intuitive eating.

Tomorrow I call my doctor and we decide which way to go. Even though I had a bad experience with the Lexapro, I don't think I want to go cold turkey. I talked to my sister this morning and asked her about Wellbutrin (she's actually on the Zyban version of the same drug) and she had nothing but positives to say about it. She started taking it to quit smoking and to handle the stress of a messy divorce, and it's helped with that. But it's also helped her quit mindlessly snacking, as well as getting more organized and motivated in the rest of her life. Seeing that we have the same genetic sources, it would be logical that it might have a similar effect on me.

Looking over this post, it -- actually I -- am sounding more positive than I have the last couple weeks. Thank goodness. I couldn't take much more of the dreariness I was mired in.