Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The Last Straw?
What a miserable day yesterday. I had terrible cramps and spent the late afternoon and evening in bed waiting for my Ibuprofen to kick in. So it makes you wonder if yesterday's rant was mainly hormonally motivated.
But let's face it, there's more to it than that.
Lori made an interesting comment in yesterday's post that from my blog entries I seemed okay until this England trip saga. This morning I looked back over my blog and I could see her point. But I know it's not the whole story, and the truth lies in the gaps between the posts.
In truth, I feel like I've been on a slow free-fall since April. I've done my best to grasp at whatever lifelines I could -- intuitive eating, conscious living, medication and therapy -- and at times I did feel better. But underneath I always felt right on the brink of breaking down or burning out.
Yes, I do think the negative brouhaha over the England trip seemed to be the final straw that propelled me into a true depressive state, but I know there were a lot more straws that were already weighing me down. I've tried to cope with these issues, and over the summer I feel I've made some progress with some of them with some really productive conversations with my husband.
Yet I can't seem to unload myself from the feelings -- or the avoidance of those feelings -- that these issues have caused, and I can't seem to move on.
The worst part is, I know what I need to do, or at least know of positive things I can do to improve my life. But everything just seems to hard. It all seems like too much effort and I can't seem to push myself anymore. It's burnout to the extreme. Or else chronic laziness and sloth.
Today I see my therapist and I hope I can find some solutions there. I really need help to get myself out of this funk, and I hope I can find some soon.