Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Last Straw?

What a miserable day yesterday. I had terrible cramps and spent the late afternoon and evening in bed waiting for my Ibuprofen to kick in. So it makes you wonder if yesterday's rant was mainly hormonally motivated.

But let's face it, there's more to it than that.

Lori made an interesting comment in yesterday's post that from my blog entries I seemed okay until this England trip saga. This morning I looked back over my blog and I could see her point. But I know it's not the whole story, and the truth lies in the gaps between the posts.

In truth, I feel like I've been on a slow free-fall since April. I've done my best to grasp at whatever lifelines I could -- intuitive eating, conscious living, medication and therapy -- and at times I did feel better. But underneath I always felt right on the brink of breaking down or burning out.

Yes, I do think the negative brouhaha over the England trip seemed to be the final straw that propelled me into a true depressive state, but I know there were a lot more straws that were already weighing me down. I've tried to cope with these issues, and over the summer I feel I've made some progress with some of them with some really productive conversations with my husband.
Yet I can't seem to unload myself from the feelings -- or the avoidance of those feelings -- that these issues have caused, and I can't seem to move on.
The worst part is, I know what I need to do, or at least know of positive things I can do to improve my life. But everything just seems to hard. It all seems like too much effort and I can't seem to push myself anymore. It's burnout to the extreme. Or else chronic laziness and sloth.
Today I see my therapist and I hope I can find some solutions there. I really need help to get myself out of this funk, and I hope I can find some soon.


Lori said...

I know that there were a lot of crazy things going on this summer and you're right. Perhaps the England trip combined all of the stuff from the summer into one big ball of mess.

You know, Beula made a funny but true comment about receiving blessings and she wished her husband would get a few of them instead of her. It's hard work to receive "blessings" and it's hard work in general to get our lives on track. It seems daunting. It is hard. I'm glad you're getting some help and I hope you know you are a wonderful wife, mom, friend, and all round good scout. You are not your weight. You are not lazy.

Joc said...

I dont believe it is chronic laziness and sloth. I think that life is so much harder these days, often we make it harder for ourselves, we spend so much time trying to be everything to everyone, and little by little we stifle our own desires without even realising it, then one day we wake up and think how miserable our lives have become. Then we teeter on the edge or fall into depression as our reality surrounds us and it is less than we thought it should be.

I wish I could help you, give you some answers, but I think we all have to find those for ourselves. All I can say is you are not alone, and I am thinking of you.

Jenny said...

I haven't 'checked' up on you for a while........I swear sometimes bloglines goes on holidays. Sorry......:( Last time I read you had made up your mind that you were indeed going to England but Dh was not very happy about it.

You have a lot going on in your life at the moment, all those things would contribute to your depressed state. I have just gone back on my antidepressants after a failed attempt of no longer being on them, so I know where all the thoughts of failure can stem from. On the upside you are seeking help and that is a good thing. I hope that one, or a combination of your strategies can set you back on the track of filling happy and fulfilled again. When you feel brighter, everything seems easier to cope with. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to feel dreadful - take the guilt out of it - that only makes things so much worse.

Take care of yourself.