See-saws and Greed

This morning I had another "dilemma" -- I was overcome once again with feelings of being fat, worrying that I was gaining weight, that the food I've been eating has not been healthy. Diet mentality all over the place. And I have to confess here that I broke my rule (I'll get back to that) about weighing once a month and got on the scale.

Instead of being devastated to see I've gained five more pounds, I discovered I lost two.

I laughed at myself. How incredibly silly to get myself so worked up! I need to have more faith in myself and in this IE method! I shook my head and got back to my morning routine.

During my shower I thought about Linda Moran's latest posting and realized how much this incident related to it:

"You're learning normal eating, but you still see-saw between extremes. You don't know which side of the see-saw to land on. Maybe you'll recognize one of these:
...4. Weighing myself every day is what makes me crazy vs. weighing myself is how to stay accountable...
Here's a suggestion. Identify your see-saw. Then surrender to the fact that it may never go away. You might learn normal eating, and still struggle with the see-saw. Then demote your see-saw in its importance."

Obviously I'm struggling with the craziness of weighing myself two or three times a day and the occasional weighing in just to provide a status report. I have a see-saw that has "don't weigh" on one side and "weigh myself" on the other.

I'm pretty sure part of the anxiety I was feeling before was the fact that I made a RULE about weighing myself once a month. While the thought behind it was good -- to get myself away from focusing on a number -- I was fighting against the strictness of making it a set number of days.

Linda wraps up her post with some good advice for me: "Today when you get caught on your see-saw, laugh at yourself, and then ask and answer 'How important is it really for me to resolve this once and for all? Not important enough.' Then decide for the moment where to land. Tomorrow you can decide again. Keep laughing. See-saws are fun. Don't try and get it right once and for all. It's just not important enough."

This is such good advice for me -- definitely pushing away from the all-or-nothing, absolutist thinking. Today I landed on the "weigh myself" side of the see-saw. Tomorrow I will probably land on the "don't weigh" side. This issue is minor for me in the grand scheme of this IE journey, so there's really no point in obsessing and getting so upset about it.

Yesterday's big challenge was the Greed Factor, and I did pretty well with it. At lunch I split a sandwich and onion rings with Hubby, which went well, because I didn't feel deprived because I was only getting half of a meal. I was actually quite satisfied getting the foods I wanted, but getting reasonable portions.

Then in the evening we went to our town's Block Party -- a week-long carnival to benefit our volunteer fire department. For our supper I got a hamburger and split one order of fries with Mabel. In previous years I would have ordered a burger for me, two orders of fries, and I would have ordered a hot dog for Mabel, knowing she would eat very little of it and I could then eat the rest -- GREED. This year I didn't stuff myself and felt quite content. As for Mabel's meal, she had a big, well balanced lunch, so I felt it balanced out over the whole day.


Mabel then went to the rides, and I found myself left to my own devices, since I get such bad motion sickness on most carnival rides. There were lots of temptations -- slices of pie from the Women's Auxiliary, funnel cakes, candy apples -- but I wasn't hungry and knew I'd be back later in the week and could eat one of them then. I wound up walking laps around the carnival, people watching and keeping an eye on Mabel as she cavorted with her friends (all boys, I noticed!).

I ran into some friends and acquaintances and chatted, and later my B&SIL showed up and I sat with them for a while. They ordered a big funnel cake and offered me some. For a second the diet mentality sprang up -- "Don't eat that! BAD FOOD!" -- but I decided to try one bite. I did, and it was good, but not fantastic, and I wasn't interested in having any more. If I had resisted I could have very well set off Deprivation Mode, snuck off before I left, bought my own and scarfed down the whole thing.

Now that I think about it, each day in this IE journey is like a see-saw -- balancing between hunger and fullness, my thoughts about food and dieting and weight, and navigating my emotions and the thoughts and beliefs behind them. Who needs carnival rides when you've got this constant adventure?