Sunday, February 29, 2004

Somebody Noticed!

Yesterday J.B. asked me if I'd lost weight. I was kind of surprised that anyone would notice anything at this point. As for the day, while I did have some foods that weren't the healthiest in the world (2 maple goodies from the tree tapping ceremony and a ham and cheese roll for supper) I didn't overeat or eat compulsively during the day. I sidestepped a lot of temptations yesterday and I'm not considering it a "backslide" at all.

This evening I made Mabel macaroni and cheese, and it was very hard for me to abstain from the very high-fat, low quality but very tempting comfort food. But instead I ate my leftover vegetable dishes and was able to go without it. I did tell myself that if I was still hungry after the veggies that I'd allow myself some (a measured serving size), because I don't want to make any foods forbidden. I'd rather try to make healthy alternatives first, and like I've said before, watch my portion sizes. I know, it sounds like a diet, but I really feel that for the first month of so I truly need to go through a "detox" phase. Although I certainly haven't totally eliminated anything, so it's not a true detoxification.

But truth be told, I would like to lose weight. I know that smacks in the face of all I've done with size acceptance and what I've learned about the diet industry and the media's influence. Maybe I'm succumbing to to the overwhelming pressure, maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking #1 it'll ever happen, #2 it'll change anything in my life, especially in the romance department. But maybe, just maybe, I've come to the point in my life that I don't need food anymore, I don't need to medicate, comfort and numb myself anymore. More importantly, maybe I'm ready to give up the insulation and the invisibility of the fat. That's a major, somewhat terrifying concept for me to wrap my head around, Most people never change -- the ones who do, do it with a strength and determination and courage that's admirable. Do I have that within me? This doesn't mean becoming skinny -- it means getting to a place where I'm truly comfortable with my body. I don't know where that will be, but we'll find out when I get there.

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

What a wonderful journal entry. I was definitely starting to dig into the core issues of my overeating and being fat, how I used them to my advantage as well as their negative attributes.

I didn't have a ton of faith in myself, though. There's always so much self-doubt in these entries of "can I do it?" and "do I have what it takes?" But the overall tone is one of a cheerleader, urging me to keep trying. Yea for me!