Being Realistic

Still soldiering on. The more research I do, the more I think OA might not be for me. Let me clarify -- while I think the 12 steps would be very beneficial, from what I understand, most groups stress an "abstinence" diet that requires you to measure every meal and eliminate all sugar and flour -- forever. I can tell you right now I could never handle something that regimented and restrictive, and I know I'd never be able to stick to it. I feel I'm doing a pretty good job right now limiting and cutting down on sugar and refined starches, but I know the minute I started thinking it has to be "all or nothing," my perfectionism will take over and I'll be done for.

So, I ordered a book online today that was recommended by a reviewer with a similar viewpoint. The doctor who wrote this book appears to have a more realistic plan but still addresses all the emotional issues I need to work through. I guess you could say I'm chickening out of full abstinence, but I think I'm being realistic.While I'm trying to take one day at a time, I also have to think about what can actually work for me in the very long term. As well as my own food choices, I have to cook for my daughter, too, and I would prefer that she have a well-balanced diet with me than going through life with "her food" and "my food."

This morning when I was waking up this thought went through my head that I wanted to binge, although the phrase that came to me was "fill myself up." It was an interesting insight --clearly I need to find other ways to "fill" myself other than food. I know I'm in a withdrawal phase right now, and thank goodness for the green tea pills -- that's another thing OA frowns upon, I've discovered. But I think they're a godsend right now, helping me to adjust as I reduce portions, starches and sugars. I have very little cravings, and I'm not driven to eat and eat and eat.

I exercised four days this week, my knee is getting stronger, and I hope everything I'm doing works together to reinvent myself to the person I want to be. Not just physically -- more importantly, mentally.