Sunday, June 06, 2004

Adding Up to Less

257! I weighed myself on Friday just to make sure I was back down to 260, and I was shocked to see another three pounds gone! Part of me can't figure out how it's happening. In the past I could never budge my weight, and now it feels almost effortless. Of course, I know that's not true -- despite my occasional dalliances with unhealthy food, overall I've greatly changed my eating habits. It's just that I've gotten so used to it that it is in fact habit.

The exercise, too. If I don't do at least four days (1.5 hours each) at the gym a week I don't feel complete. And that's not counting all the walking, mowing, cleaning, etc., that I also do every week. It's all adding up -- to less!

I even fell of the wagon yesterday -- B&B leftovers, birthday party and Block Party all conspiring against me -- but I'm shrugging it off. I recorded everything I ate in my food journal, worked hard yesterday cooking, cleaning and straightening up the B&B garage, and today I "busted hump" cleaning my garage at home. It seems like I'm always on the move. I even walked to and from the BB during Sunday school to bring down leftover cookies and pretzels for the kids.

It's rare that I don't have at least one person make a comment about my weight loss every day that I'm out in public. You can't really ignore 53 pounds, can you? It really struck home with me yesterday when I got a glance at a Christmas picture of me with Mabel, and my face was so much fuller. But it's a lot of things: realizing I have "sitting bones" and other re-emerging bones all over my body; feeling colder because I have less insulation covering my body; even being able to stand better because there's less fat on my thighs pushing my legs apart. And I'm sure all the exercise and better eating is helping with all my numbers: cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. I'll be curious to see what they are this fall during my annual exam.

Actually, I've had this reoccurring thought/daydream of walking into my doctors' (general and ob-gyn) offices and for once not walking to the scale like it's the gallows. If I go by my 10-pound a month goal, I should be around 220 to 210 pounds -- possibly 100 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this year! I can't even quite grasp the enormity of that, or if it's even possible for me to do. It does help that I keep my mind focused on the 10 pounds. It's a much easier goal to comprehend and doesn't seem so difficult. But I do sit there (usually on the stationary bike as a motivation), thinking how I'll relish it when I go in there and won't have to withstand another round of "the talk" -- how I should lose weight.

Sometimes I feel like a sell-out to the fat acceptance movement, and when I read the Gab Cafe on I feel like I'm betraying those who've given me so much encouragement in the past. But I know I will never be skinny. I will never be what society deems ideal. I'm taking my body and mind on a journey to discover at what point it feels healthy and at peace, and then we'll start a new phase.

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