Today I took my scale and chucked it in the closet. I am just tired of feeling frustrated and discouraged, especially by a number. Optimally I'd like to wait a month until I check again, but at the very minimum I'd like to go at least a full week, hopefully two.
The weekend was sort of hard, with hoagies [subs] and pizzas and birthday cake in my environment. I did fine until Sunday evening, when I ate more pizza than I should have, but I left one piece behind and didn't just mindlessly binge. I also justified it because I ate very little throughout the day.
It's such a "make or break" time with me right now. I feel like I need to cut myself a little slack, but I'm afraid a little will turn into a lot, and then I'll be done for. Finding that balance of healthy (and that means physically and mentally) eating has always been nearly impossible for me, although I do find the food journal helps keep me accountable and aware of what I'm choosing.
I've decided to add an exercise part to the food journal, so I can record what kinds and how much exercise I'm getting on a daily basis. That way I can also see what I've accomplished on that front, because that's also important.
I have to realize that I'm not sure where my body will decide to settle. It may be 200, it might be more or less. All I can guarantee is my daily behavior -- my level of activity and food choices -- and the results of that are beyond my control.
I've never been able to lose more than 40 pounds during a single diet, so I know the feelings I'm experiencing now, and I admit it makes me a little anxious. Because I don't want this to be another diet -- I want to permanently improve my behaviors and not lead myself to another rebound. Along the road I've slowly picked up the knowledge of healthy eating and exercise from different resources and at different times. The trick now is to incorporate it all into one lifestyle that I can be happy with. I'll never be able to avoid all temptations and won't always be able to find alternatives to overeating. But like a little kid learning to ride a bike, I need to pick myself up when I fall and get right back on the bike, not sit there crying and full of self pity.
I think I mentioned this before, but I'm definitely feeling some of the same emotions I did during the adoption. I'm at the point where I've laid all the groundwork, and now I just have to wait for the end result. As much as I want that to come quickly, it just won't, and I have to find the patience and perseverance to see it through --without going crazy!
But I have to remember: even though it seemingly took forever, the big day did eventually arrive, and as long as I stick with the program, the results will eventually come with this, too.
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I was really struggling here, like the caterpillar in its cocoon. And like that insect, I needed to do this difficult work myself to make the changes that would last. I still go through these little growing pains once in a while, and while it's miserable while I'm in the thick of it, I know it's making me stronger and pushing me closer to where I want to be.
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