Friday, April 16, 2004

You're My Obsession

Man, what a hard week it's been! For some reason it's been really hard to fight the urges to binge, and although I thought I did really well last night when I went to the pizza place with JB, I've just felt all week like I'm faltering, and a lot of that is because the scale hasn't dropped at all.

I think one reason this week hasn't gone well for me mentally was because it's been a hectic one, and although it hasn't been extremely stressful, it's still more than I've had lately, and it's really clear that without my unchecked eating to comfort me, I'm definitely feeling the strain.

I may also be hitting my first real plateau, and it may be time to kick up the exercise another notch, because I don't really want to decrease my current food intake any more than I am right now. My average day falls between 1300-1500 calories, which is just enough to keep me from feeling really deprived. And I should not be having a major anxiety attack over eating four bites of Mabel's soft pretzel at the school musical tonight! This is ridiculous, and I really think I'm getting way too obsessive about all of this. It's unrealistic to think I'm going to keep losing weight as fast as I was, and I'm getting perilously close to the old feelings of "poor me" and that this is all a punishment. Clearly this is a major crossroads time for me, and what happens in the next few days -- which contain several temptations -- will determine if I can continue into the long term.

And I think part of that long term and its success is taking some of the pressure off of me. I think the first step is to stop weighing myself so often. I've been doing it daily, and it's definitely controlling my mood, usually in a bad way. I need to literally hide the damn scale in a closet and out of sight so I quit judging myself by what it says. I also think I need to forbid myself to calculate calorie totals in my head, because I'm getting way too worked up over my daily totals and if I'm over or under. I know what healthy foods and portion sizes are, and I need to focus on that instead of numbers and forbidding "bad" foods.

While these steps will probably wind up slowing down my weight loss, I have to realize that it's the only way it's going to actually happen. Better that it take two years than never.

The new plan is to focus more on the exercise -- commit to more walking yoga and even swimming. I also need to quit obsessing about this, because in the meantime my housework and B&B chores are suffering. So I need to buckle down with FlyLady and try to re-establish my missions and weekly home blessings.

The sad thing is, I want to get to a lower weight on the scale before I take a "break" and not use it daily. Is that pathetic or what? Maybe tomorrow I'll get lucky, but what if I don't? I wish I could find better ways of validating myself and measuring my success.

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

Poor child. I wasn't used to the post-sugar binge withdrawal week. The week that you crave it all twice as hard because you're still trying to get it out of your system.

I still deal with these feelings of scale obsession and going overboard with the calorie counting. My original goal was to break free from the compulsive and binge eating, and the weight loss was secondary. And dieting was never the primary objective, since the diet mentality often leads straight to the binge mentality. I still find myself trying to remember that sometimes.