Sunday, April 04, 2004

Feelings and Changes

Went to church today and KB was there looking amazingly trim, and I heard a few days before at the gym that it's due to WLS -- not sure what kind. It's weird: I always feel this sense of loss when I hear someone else has had the surgery -- another person trying the "quick fix" solution. It's a combination of sadness and anger, however. Could it be I feel it's yet another condemnation of fat people -- me -- and that once again I'm being told that I'm not good enough, etc.?

But, what happens if one day I'm no longer a fat person? Hard as that is to believe, if I can make this a permanent lifestyle, it could very well happen. Will I be offended when people come up to me after church to tell me how wonderful I look? "What, I looked like shit before?" Is that what will be stuck in my head? "Oh, my body finally meets your approval?"

Will I be angry and resentful about all the years I've been invisible and sub-par to the general consensus? That's something I definitely need to address in therapy, especially on the miraculous chance that it actually happens. I still teeter on the It's Gonna Happen/It's Impossible seesaw, and I don't think that will change until I've lost considerably more weight.

Last night we had a prime rib dinner for Mom's birthday, and I thought I did really well. I only had half a piece of bread with some pesto and bruschetta topping, saved part of my meat for tonight's dinner, took it easy on the potatoes and ate more of the roasted veggies, and topped it off with a small Caesar salad. As for drinks I had two small ones (1/2 glass each) and had seltzer the rest of the evening. Probably the only thing I ate a little too much of were green olives, and I know I had less than 10, so it wasn't by much. I was able to eat with everyone else, not make a fuss, end the evening not stuffing myself and can enjoy some leftovers tonight.

Mabel told me a few days ago that my "boobies are shrinking," which I guess means even she can notice a change. It's exciting for me to see these changes, but of course, I wish it was faster (don't we all?).

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

This moment with Mabel and my "shrinking boobies" was a big one for me, and I shared it with lots of people, mainly for the humor in it.

The funniest thing is, now when Mabel looks at old pictures of me she's shocked that I was that large. Her little 8 year-old memory has already forgotten that Mommy used to be super-sized, which is a reward in itself.