Losing It

Although I said I wasn't going to, I did some "curiosity checks" on the scale, and while I was sorta' scared of the number on Monday, by Wednesday it was back to last week's low, so I was really glad about that, and that will tide me over to next week's official weighing.

The last couple days I've had moments where I felt like I ate too much. For example, at Wednesday's lunch outing with SA, but in each case it was primarily vegetables I was eating, and while I feel a little stuffed at the time, I think it's mainly because they are quite voluminous at first but aren't loaded with fat and sugar, all that heavy stuff. As for the Chinese, I pretty much ate the same size portions, etc., as SA, who is as petite as can be. And I have never seen this woman "overeat." And at Chinese I completely skipped the rice and only had one crab rangoon -- no egg rolls, no lo mein, no eclairs from the dessert bar.

I think I'm tending to get a little hard on myself, especially after this weekend. Part of me wants to starve myself to make sure I lose weight fast and get back on the roll I had been on. But I have to remind myself that the main goal here is to not rapidly lose weight, but to find a saner way to deal with food. I know I've been a little too worried about calories, getting all anxious if I don't know what the calorie count of something is, and that bothers me. My big concern needs to be portion sizes and not mindlessly munching and making myself sick by overeating.

Exercise has been going very well. I didn't go Monday because I was just so tired from the weekend, but I've gone the rest of the week for at least an hour each time, and I've increased the time on most of the aerobic exercises (bike, rower, rider). I have not been doing the treadmill in the afternoons, but I do think I will being saving it for non-gym days, so I have at least some exercise 6 to 7 days a week. And if later on I reach a plateau, then I can think about adding it daily to help give me a boost. Because I do think I'm getting a fairly good amount right now -- about 4 hours of gym a week -- actually closer to 5, plus whatever walking, etc., I do at home.

Did I mention I started watching this show on Discovery Health channel called "Losing It"? I'm sort of hooked on it now and tune in to see who the people are, how much they've lost, and how they did it. I tend to compare myself to some, and I always cringe when it's the gastric bypass solution. I'm more impressed/inspired by the ones who do it through healthy eating and exercise, and I do think it gives me some encouragement to keep going. Of course, it also makes me very impatient to see more results, and I realized today that I'm feeling very much like I did when I was going through the adoption process. There's impatience, frustration, excitement, even a little anxiety when I think about what will happen in the future. Silly things like, "I'll have to buy all new clothes;" "what if I have a lot of excess skin?" Because at heart I would really like to join the folks on these shows who lose 100, 150 pounds, which would mean things like new wardrobes and dealing with the after effects on my body. But then I think I'm delusional if I think I could ever get myself down to, say, 140 or 150 pounds. That just seems impossible, beyond comprehension, but I'm afraid that I think that strongly enough I'll have a self-fulfilling prophesy. Whereas, if I let myself believe that I can do it, who knows? Maybe I could.

The truth of the matter is, I'll just keep going until my body tells me what's right -- and I'm sure it will let me know.

Of course, my next big hurdle is Easter, which is just in fact another day. I'll do the best I can and on Monday brush myself off and get back to my routine. I must admit it would be great to lose another five pounds by then -- making it 30 total -- but I'm not going to beat myself up if I'm not.

Actually, from the highest point I was ever weighed, I am now 52 to 53 pounds lighter, which impressed me when I thought about it. Fifty pounds would have most people cheering up and down the street. I just have to make that sense of accomplishment last to get me through this.