Week Five Weigh-In

You know how I said I dreaded the weekends? Well, there's one part I've been enjoying the past month: the weigh-in mornings.

This morning I was thrilled to see I was a "teen" again! I'm now at 218.5, a three-pound loss from last Friday's weigh-in. This victory seems exceptionally sweet this morning: I managed to recover from the damage of the DC weekend, leap through a series of PMS hurdles, and even survived my dinner at Red Lobster to fly past the 220 milestone.

Each 10-pound marker means a lot to me, and back in June when I managed to get below 220 I was really tickled with myself, too. It was equally heartbreaking to go back over that weight this summer when I was in my pre-surgery eating mode, and I was very afraid I'd never be able to achieve that again.

But here I am, a teenager again. Since starting this journey I've read a lot about people who've lost weight and the changes they go through. When people make the comment (and I've received them) "You've lost a whole person," it makes me think about the person I was when I weighed over 300 pounds and how I've changed. Some people say you become emotionally arrested at the age you begin gaining weight; for me that would be about age 9. But when I think about the changes a teenager goes through, I do feel like I'm going through a new kind of adolescence. My body is changing in ways that astound me; my moods are all over the place and these emotions bubble out of recesses I didn't realize I had. I'm grappling with what I'm going to be when I grow up (or down, in my case) and uncertain of my place and identity in the world.

Now I know my world isn't going to drastically change when I reach 200 pounds. There won't be any parades in my honor, no plaques or giant checks or speeches or newspaper articles. I'll still be in my life; there will just be a little less of my fat in it. But at the same time, parts of my identity have changed; people look at me differently already. Some people have just recently noticed that I actually exist! And when I meet new people, they have no clue that I used to be over 100 pounds heavier. That's a whole lot of mental baggage that I carry around when I'm in public -- no wonder I get so stressed out in party-type situations!

Anyway, my arrival into the teens made me feel so good this morning I turned away from the burnt sugar gobs and had some oatmeal instead. I just knew if I ate that refined sugar bomb this early in the morning it would not agree with me. But part of me was so happy to be under 220 that the thought of eating it felt like a letdown (hooray for progress!) So I'm waiting until later in the day to enjoy my big treat.

And having 218.5 dancing in my head will make facing tonight's meal out a little easier, I predict. It's not so hard to turn down butter and deep-fried food when you have such a great victory so fresh in your mind.