Monday, November 27, 2006

Homeward Through the Haze

First rain of winter
First fall from grace
It's my first hollow echo
In the halls of praise
How could Samson
I thought he was blind as a bat
How cold he have torn down
The temples like that
And how could little Caesar
How could he know where of he spoke
When all of his wheels are turning him into a joke

Cause the blind are leading the blind
And I am amazed at how they stumble
Homeward through the haze

Got the soul of a ragpicker
Got the mind of a slug
I keep sweeping problems
Under my rug
And all of my fine
My fine fair weather friends,
Yeah, Will have no more time
To make their amends

Cause the blind are leading the blind
And I am amazed at how they stumble
Homeward through the haze
[words and music by David Crosby├é© 1975 Staysail Music (BMI)]

That's me. Crawling back through the fog of the past five days. Feeling a little bloated, a little foolish, a little remorseful.

"Am I ever going to learn to not do this to myself?" I asked my husband and my mother. They didn't really have an answer for me.

I know a lot of it has to do with the Feast or Famine, Diet and Binge mentality. "If I'm eating, eat it ALL. NOW."

There are a lot of books out there that preach the "no diet" mentality, saying it stops this vicious cycle of restriction and the rebounding overconsumption. One of these days I really have to pursue that method, because I worry about the future and gaining all my weight back. I can't be on a diet forever. I know the biggest challenge won't be getting to a goal weight; it'll be maintaining it.

So here I am, Monday morning. A new week, a chance to put the past behind me and get on with the tasks I've set for myself. I'm still off work (around here deer hunting season is a crucially important holiday, and the schools are closed Monday and Tuesday due to an unused snow day), but I've told myself the bingeing stops. My plan for the day is to hit the packing hard; I've got less than a month now until moving week, so it's time to get serious.

Fortunately the Christmas shopping is pretty much done, so I'm free to get cracking on this. Yesterday as I walked through the kitchen, I thought, "Wow, I won't have any time this year to make Christmas cookies... GOOD." Although I have the feeling Hubby will make the time, I'm going to devote myself to the move and steer clear of the gingerbread men and the Sand Tarts (a cinnamon-sugar covered shortbread type cookie that is a Christmas must in my German-American family). It won't be the end of the world if I forgo this one year.

I can't guarantee I won't repeat this Thanksgiving weekend's mistakes over Christmas. But I know I can keep myself from making it one big, month-long binge. I couldn't have said this a few years ago. So I know there's been some progress.

I can tell you one thing: I'm actually looking forward to not overeating; that's definitely another change I've experienced since this weight loss journey started. I've learned that I feel better when I'm eating right and exercising. I just wish I could learn not to let myself get so far off track. Maybe one of these days that Food Haze will be a thing of the past.


Lori said...

I'm wondering if we don't seek perfection in everything we do. The world's best little dieter over Thanksgiving vs. the best little binger in the world.

As long as you have a game plan for today and the rest of the week, all this past weekend means is that you delayed getting into the onderfuls.

I don't think I'll ever stop overeating. It will always be around. The trick is can I see that I slipped up, stop, and get back on track? And that's my fear. I'll suddenly go off the rails and wake up 3 or 5 months and be back at 275, 300, or more.

I have no idea how I did poundage wise over the weekend. I made some mistakes but I know it's Thanksgiving and I was with the parents and then by myself a bit too much.

But this is how I'm going to have to live to maintain the weight I have now. If I want to lose more, I'm going to have dig deeper AND exercise more. I need to get into the habit of doing more physically while I can; I have no idea what the future will be like.

I guess I'm saying, don't beat yourself up too much. You fell into the Food Haze (I like that phrase a lot!) but the fog's lifting.

Lori said...

I hope you are doing better today. I am thinking about you.