Back on Track

Rough week, both with the level of activity and the eating. There was just so much going on -- dinner with my uncle friends of the family; and adoption day picnic, a neighbor's birthday party, in addition to other meals out. While I did my best to eat healthy and exercise before, during and after all these temptations, I still ate foods I shouldn't have and more than I should have.

Why, you may ask? Well, a good part of it was because I wanted to be part of the gang, not single myself out by saying, "Oh, I can't eat that!" or sound like an idiot. In some instances there just weren't any healthy alternatives -- I wish parents would start offering fruits and veggies at these birthday parties instead of just pizza and potato chips.

Does that sound like a massive cop-out? Do I sound weak-willed and full of excuses? Do I consider it a failure if I don't reach 260 by Saturday? I just can't think that way and hope to succeed at my intentions.

Instead of throwing my hands up in the air and saying "I give up! I'll eat like a fiend all weekend," I tried my darnedest to eat sensibly when I could. Instead of thinking about the upcoming weekend and thinking, "What the hell, I'll just eat this week and start again next week," I instinctively got back to my routine immediately -- anymore it's as basic as brushing my teeth.

Was I disappointed that S.S. didn't make a single reference to my appearance? Yes. Did it bum me out that when I was introduced to a new guy at the party Saturday (and who everyone thought I should be fixed up with) that it left me feeling inadequate and not good enough? Oh yeah. Did these things contribute to my overeating -- not a lot, but more than my regular routine allows? You betcha.

I don't know how anyone could have gotten through all of that without treating themselves some. At least I'm back on track for now, and even after this upcoming weekend I'll get back to it and feel good.

Am I Pretty?

Another milestone -- 270 and 40 pounds -- has blown by this weekend as I hit 268. I almost deducted a day of "abstinence" for yesterday and the Mother's Day Buffet at church, but I don't really feel I fell off the wagon. Yes, I had a big, high-fat, high starch meal, and pretty much ate starches all day, but had set meals and got in some walking during the day. And I think I need to learn how to incorporate these "off days" into my routine without feeling guilt or a need to go "whole hog" the rest of the day.

I don't know if it was wearing one of my new outfits or just the fact that so many people were at the buffet, but I did get more than one compliment about my "new look," and from people I didn't expect would notice. In a way it's nice to get encouragement, but I don't want to be dependent on other people's approval, either. The funniest thing, though, has to be when people ask me for my "secret" -- what I'm eating, how I'm exercising -- as if I'm suddenly become an expert. L.H. was hysterical, telling me how skinny I am, commenting that I'll have to get tuck work done on all the loose skin I'll have. She's probably one of the most supportive people so far, and I may start giving her email updates.

Mom continues to have the mixed messages. She made the comment "You'll soon be thinner than me," and it was real hard not to hear at least a little resentment in it. Or is it just my interpretation?

For example, on Friday I was crossing the parking lot at the Super Mega Mart when some guy yelled out of his pickup, "I wouldn't run over a pretty lady like you!" And the cynical part of me thought, "oh yeah, right." But then I realized, maybe some men actually think I am pretty. I mean, I have lots of old ladies who tell me how pretty I am, but I always consider that a very subjective opinion and nowhere near society's standards. But I'm not doing this to meet our society's approval, am I?

All I know is, I just need to keep on with what I'm doing, because clearly it's working, and as long as I'm patient the milestones will keep passing by.

The Rumors Are True!

Today was a very validating day. I had a bunch of coupons for Fashion Bug that were ready to expire, so I went over to buy some outfits for church/class reunion, etc. Imagine my shock when the 22/24 sizes were too baggy and I got the 18/20 sizes, which weren't even tight!

Then we walked to the B&B this afternoon as the neighbors were ushering their daughter off to the prom, and L.G. made a comment that I'm "shrinking away."

But the final boost was when L.H. showed up, claiming to visit to see if the "rumors" were true. Seems her grandmother told her about my picture in the paper last week and how wonderful I look. And I guess the news of some miraculous diet has spread from my hometown all the way to Cleveland to L.H.

Despite my own doubts, it's obvious that there are big changes going on with me, and even if it's hard for me to see some days, it's clear that not only is my body telling the true tale, but that those around me are definitely taking notice, too.

In A Better Place

I'm at 271 -- only one pound away from a total of 40 since February! I weighed myself Sunday morning because that was the day of the B&B tour and I knew being around all those refreshments would be hard to resist.

I know this is totally redundant, but I can not get over how I can keep losing 4-5 pounds a week, even with less than perfect dieting. Granted, I've been gyming it five days a week, but it's not that strenuous of a workout, although it is at least an hour each day. I guess I must have my metabolism really revved up right now to be burning off as much as I am. Whether it's the exercise, what I'm eating or the green tea pills, I'm not sure, but clearly the combination is working.

While technically I could lose another 20 pounds by my class reunion, 10 is a more realistic goal, and I'd still be happy with that. While I'll never be able to compete with the eternally thin ones, this isn't about competing. As Dr. Dyer says, it isn't about being better than others, it's about being better than you used to be. And I can honestly say that I can't recall ever being at a better place mentally, physically and spiritually. I still have issues and stressors and room for improvement, but I just feel so much more content with my life and at ease with myself and the way my life is going. And I think it's much more than a number on a scale or a clothing tag. I'm feeling more in control, less numbed by the substances that were dulling my senses, and more connected to my body.

The only dark cloud right now is a cryptic email my mom got from my brother-in-law, telling her that my sister is going into the hospital. But there's no explanation why, how serious it is and how the kids are doing. It's hard to keep worst-case scenarios out of my head, but I know too that making myself upset isn't going to help anyone. So I just have to wait and see what the full tale is. I just hope that whatever happens, it eventually turns out for the best.